Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by Roozette
Summary: Title is self-explanitory. With a Harry/Draco twist. I am bored.
1. Number 11

DISCLAIMER: Nope, not JK Rowling. I am just an obsessed fangirl with a sad unhealthy obsession with Harry and Draco.

THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO AT HOGWARTS - Number 11: If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

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Harry hunched lower over Ron's arm, completely intent upon his drawing.

Nobody had, as yet, noticed his current level of distraction; allowing Harry to draw without fear of too many mishaps. Of course, the fact that his fellow Gryffindors were lazing about in exhausted stupor while Binns droned on and on in his customarily droll way helped. Several of them had followed in Ron's footsteps and passed out rather than even pretend to pay attention. The Slytherins were doing whatever it was Slytherins did while not paying attention in class, with Hermione being the only student in the classroom both alert and furiously scribbling notes. Harry, being only pleasantly lethargic, had decided to forgo his usual nap in favor of revenge. Against Ron. For thinking it would be frightfully clever and humorous to vanish Harry's pants while walking in the hall last week.

Nearly finished, Harry groaned when Hermione gave a loud gasp, capturing the attention of the students not already asleep. "Harry James Potter!"

Harry sighed. It figured that she wouldn't wait to notice anything besides the ghostly figure of his teacher until _after_ he had completed his revenge. Without looking up, Harry lifted his wand from Ron's arm and pointed it at his bushy haired friend. "Silencio." Several people giggled, but Harry ignored them as well. Finally, pleased with the results, he straightened up to critically admire his handy work. There, wiggling around on Ron's left forearm, was the Dark Mark. Harry looked into Hermione's furious and slightly horrified face and grinned before canceling the spell. "Come on, Mione," he coaxed. "It's just a bit of fun between friends."

"Harry that's the Dark Mark!"

Several students gasped again; more than a few Slytherins looked up in interest. Harry nodded patiently. "Well, not an exact replica." He studied his drawing critically. "But close enough to the real thing that Ron won't notice." He shrugged, ready to move onto the next stage of his plan. "Oi, Gryffindors! When I wake Ron up, nobody look at him or acknowledge him in any way."

"Why not?" Seamus Finnegan didn't look like he really cared about opposing Harry, but seemed moderately curious about the answer.

Harry smiled wickedly. "Let's just say that I am an investor in Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. It would be quite easy to tell my business partners that I had a few guinea pigs to test out inventions on." The class shuddered collectively.

"What about, you know, _them_?" Neville Longbottom nervously jerked his thumb towards the now wide awake and alert Slytherins.

"Well, for one," Harry grinned, "they're Slytherins. They could tell Ron the sky was blue and he would argue with them. And secondly," his grin turned into a smirk. "Do you think any of them will pass up on an opportunity to embarrass Ron?"

"Harry," Hermione started sternly.

"It's just a bit of fun, yeah?" Without waiting for a response, Harry got up and crossed the room.

Gray eyes narrowed as Harry walked right up to his desk, knelt on the floor before him, and held his writs out towards the blond. "What are you on about, Potter?"

"I need you to bind my wrists, Malfoy."

"Bind your wrists?"

"Yep. Oh, err… and play along if you wouldn't mind."

Cautiously withdrawing his wand, Draco held it out before Harry; watching the green eyed boy warily. Harry smiled patiently, making no more to draw his own wand. Draco shook his head, more than a little confused, but obligingly tapped Harry's wrists with his wand and murmured, "Incarcerous." Harry tested the ropes to make sure they remained secure, and then nodded his head at Hermione. Biting her lip, twirling one strand of hair nervously around her finger, Hermione kicked Ron sharply in the shin before hastily picking up her quill and resuming writing down the lecture. True to form, Binns hadn't been aware of his class enough to realize students were paying even less attention than usual.

Ron came awake with a snort, opening and closing his mouth a few times as he lazily stretched his arms over his head. He looked around blearily, noticing the empty desk next to him. "Psst! Hermione," he stage whispered. "Where'd Harry get off to?" Hermione didn't look away from her parchment, continuing to methodically write down notes as Binns droned on and on. "Hermione?" Frustrated at the lack of response, Ron looked at the table in front of him. "Oi, Seamus! You seen Harry?" The Irish boy's shoulders shook in silent laughter as he refused to turn around or answer. Truly bewildered, Ron twisted in his seat to address the table behind him. "Hey Nev, you seen…" he trailed off as he caught sight of Harry kneeling by Draco Malfoy's feet.

"What in the bloody hell are you doing!"

Harry looked up, glaring at the red head. "Like you don't know," he snarled angrily. Draco's hand came down and began petting his head. Harry jumped, startled, but quickly relaxed and resumed looking at the floor.

Ron looked around for someone to tell him what was wrong or what, precisely, was going on, but no one was looking at him except for the Slytherins. Who seemed vastly entertained? Bewildered, he looked back at Harry. Who was still kneeling on the floor and being petted by Malfoy. "Harry what the hell?"

Teary green eyes looked up and locked onto confused blue. "Why'd you do it, Ron?" He asked sadly. "Did you hate me that much?"

"Blimey mate, I don't hate you at all! What do you think I did?"

"I don't think Ron." Harry heaved a deep, melodramatic sigh. "I know." He sniffed. "I know," he repeated.

"Know what?" Ron almost shouted.

Harry heaved his deep melodramatic sigh again. Blaise Zabini snickered. "I know that you sold me out to Voldemort." The entire class froze collectively. Enjoying his moment, Harry tossed his head and managed to produce a tear. "You sold me out Ron, and as punishment… Voldemort gave me to Malfoy as his sex slave."

Several Slytherins lowered their heads, shoulders shaking with barely sustained mirth. Neville fell out of his chair, Hermione made a strangled sounding noise in the back of her throat, and Malfoy simply arched an eyebrow and continued petting Harry. Ron looked positively aghast. "Harry… what?... I wouldn't… no, never… Ferret… but… how… who… no no no… Harry… Why would you… I didn't…"

Draco snickered, taking advantage of the situation and Harry's position to force Harry's head onto his thigh. Harry sighed, rubbing his cheek against the soft fabric of Draco's pants. "It's all right, Ron," Harry said softy. "It's really not such a bad deal. I've nearly forgiven you. It's just… well; I wish you hadn't let him mark you."

Ron stood up, earnestly thrusting up the left sleeve of his robe and holding his arm out. "See, mate. I didn't… bloody buggering fuck!" He stared down at the mark on his arm, and then stared around the classroom. The Gryffindors were refusing to meet his eyes, the Slytherins were smiling broadly, and Harry was nuzzling his face against Draco's leg while a blush stole over the pale face of his blond haired nemesis. "What's going on?" he asked weakly.

It proved too much temptation for Dean Thomas to resist. Standing up, he placed his hand on Ron's shoulder and solemnly informed him; "you are now entering the Twilight Zone." Seamus snickered, still bent over his parchment, and even Hermione released what sounded like a giggle. Ron just stood there, looking dazed and horrified and in shock. Patting him consolingly, Dean offered, "you should just stupefy yourself and pray this will all be over when you wake up."

Ron nodded, moving on autopilot to his seat. He pointed his wand at his head, muttered "Stupefy" and slumped over unconscious onto his desk.

Hermione gazed worriedly at his prone form. "Don't you think you took that just a bit far, Harry?" She looked over at the other member of her trio, noticing that at some point he had crawled into Draco's lap, lifted his bound hands over Draco's head, and was now sucking enthusiastically on the blonds' neck. "Harry! He's unconscious! You can stop now."

Harry lifted his head, green eyes glassy and dazed looking. "Hmm? Oh, Ron, right. No, I don't think that went too far. He deserved it. Quick, clean off his arm so the Dark Mark is gone before he wakes up." Hermione quickly did as bid; everyone giggling furtively about the successful pranking done right underneath their teacher's… form.

"So, Potter?" Blaise drawled idly. "Planning on getting off Draco any time soon?"

Both boys blushed. Harry quickly, if not reluctantly, climbed off Draco and walked slightly stiffly back to his desk. Hermione pointed her wand at Ron, whispered "Enervate," and quickly resumed writing notes.

Ron jerked awake. For a moment he sat there, confused and horrified, before slowly turning his head. Harry smiled at him before resuming his perusal of the ceiling. Ron looked at Seamus and Dean; who were both lounging in their seats looking bored. He looked at Neville; who, aside from being oddly flushed and guilty looking, smiled at the red head tentatively. Ron relaxed. And then shot to his feet, hurriedly ripping at his robe until he uncovered his bare forearm.

"Alright there, Ron?"

He nodded dazedly, sinking bonelessly back into his seat. "I though, I mean, I must have been dreaming. Thought I had the Dark Mark and you were Malfoy's sex slave."

Harry arched his eyebrows. "Malfoy's sex slave?" Ron nodded. Harry pretended to consider this. "Lucius or Draco?" he enquired innocently.

Ron stared at his friend. "Draco."

Green eyes turned and gazed at the lightly blushing blond diligently taking notes across the room. He lingered on the reddish mark marring the smooth lines of his neck. "Well," he said thoughtfully. "That doesn't seem like such a bad deal." He smiled at his gob-smacked friend. "I might eventually forgive you for that."

Ron whimpered. Hermione elbowed him sharply in the ribs and hissed under her breath. "Pay attention!"

Nodding obediently, Ron picked up his quill and scribbled a few letters that vaguely formed words. Suddenly an odd expression flitted across his face and he turned to Harry. "Hey mate?" Harry looked away from Draco and tilted his head curiously. "Why are your hands tied up?"


	2. Number 3

THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO AT HOGWARTS - Number 3: Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not an extra-curricular project for Herbology

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"Come on Nev! You're the best in our year at Herbology! Hell, you're probably the best in our school! Even smarter than," Harry lowered his voice conspiratorially, "Hermione."

Neville Longbottom stood up straighter, a blush and small pleased smile spreading across his face. "Do you really think so?"

"Absolutely!" Harry stated firmly. "If anyone can do it, you can!"

Hermione ignored the subtle dig on her intelligence and eyed the baggie of leaves in Neville's hand suspiciously. "And why, Harry, if this is so important to you, can you not simply ask Professor Sprout to allow you room in the green house to grow them?"

Harry's face fell; a sad smile appearing on his face as he gently ran his finger over one of the leaves. "It's just… I got them from my cousin Dudley. He's… enjoyed… the effects of this plant for years. I just wanted to try it once." He sighed softly. "To experience one of the things my family has denied me over the years."

Hermione softened immediately. "Still," she said, turning to frown at the room behind her, "why does it have to be _down there_?"

Ron laughed. "Hermione, you make it sound like some terrible place." Everyone turned to stare at him incredulously. "Ok, so it's not exactly summertime at the Burrow, but we're going to be in a group. And, you know, Harry did kill the thing all those years ago. It's not like we're going to be eaten or anything." Despite his words, Ron turned a suddenly nervous eye towards the bathroom door.

Seamus shifted the bags filled with pots and soil from one arm to the other. "Well, I for one and looking forwards to getting h… err, trying out Harry's Muggle herbs." He winked at Harry. "Plus, I've always wanted to see the Chamber of Secrets with an altered perspective."

Hermione frowned again, looking from Seamus to the baggie of leaves in rising suspicion. "Altered persp…" A sharp voice cut her off.

"Lovely, Potter. How convenient you neglected to mention we would be slumming with Gryffindorks this afternoon." The group of friends turned to see Draco Malfoy striding towards them, closely followed by Blaise Zabini, Pansy Parkinson, and Theodore Nott.

Ron turned a brilliant shade of red. "What," he ground out between clenched teeth, "is _he_ doing here?"

'I invited him," Harry said happily; motioning the Slytherins closer. "And technically it's them, not he."

Dean Thomas eyed the new arrivals, shifting the bags of munchies nervously. "Harry, you sure this is such a good idea?"

"Absolutely!" Harry beamed. "They're our alibi in case something goes wrong."

Ron eeped, shifting closer to Seamus and a tad further away from the door. "Harry," he began anxiously. "You don't think something is going to go wrong do you?"

"Of course not, Ron," Harry soothed, inching slightly closer to Draco. "It's just, you know, if this doesn't work we can say we were working on an extra-curricular project for Herbology, or promoting school unity, or make up something nauseatingly sweet that Dumbledore will buy with limited suspicion."

Draco gave Harry an appraising look. "I like the way you think, Potter." His eyed the baggie in Neville's hand. "What kind of leaves are those again?"

"Cannabis," Harry answered promptly, hooking one arm around Draco's waist, the other around Neville's bicep, and steering the reluctant trio into the bathroom. He went directly to the correct sink and hissed out the password, enjoying the flare of satisfaction when the tunnel opened up. He turned to the wary, nervous, excited, and conflicted group of students behind him. "Let's go then," he grinned, jumping in. Draco swore as Harry's arm, still attached around his waist, dragged him through the tunnel as well. One by one the other students followed. Harry waited at the bottom of the tunnel with a sulking Draco until all the students were through, before hissing out a sentence and hearing the answering rumble as the tunnel above them closed up.

"Harry?" Ron questioned, staring through the tunnel where the shaft of light grew smaller and smaller. "Do you really think it was a good idea to close the entrance?"

"Yes," Harry answered. "Wouldn't want to be interrupted. Let's go!"

Neville whimpered slightly at the size of the faintly glowing green snake skin they passed. Harry ignored it, proceeding on till he had opened the main entrance and climbed down into the familiar snake-lined room. Theodore Nott looked around in awe. "Slytherins secret room," he breathed out. "Harry, even if your little experiment doesn't work, it was worth coming along just to see… Merlin's balls!"

Harry looked over from where Seamus, Dean, and Neville were helping him sort out supplies. "Oh, yeah, forgot that was there."

Pansy gazed at the Basilisk in horror. "How could you forget about this?"

He shrugged. "Well, since then I have gone up against a hundred Dementors, been forced to participate in a dark blood ritual before running for my life after spending several minutes being tortured, and watched my Godfather die right before my eyes." He shrugged again. "Kind of puts a different spin on events that happened, ya know? Ready Nev?"

Neville jumped, tearing his attention away from Harry with difficulty, before nodding and carefully separating the two different elements in the baggies. Carefully, he nourished the soil, planted the leaves, watered them, and chanted the incantation to make them grow. Everyone gathered around to watch curiously.

Seamus let out a whoop, reaching across to hug Harry excitedly as the plants grew and developed right before their eyes. "It worked! I can't believe it worked!"

"What unusual leaves," Hermione commented, leaning in to gently stroke on of them. "They look so familiar, but I just can't place it…" She sighed, glancing over at the other plant before turning to Harry looking perplexed. "Mushrooms? Why did you want to grow mushrooms?"

Dean grinned, holding up a frying pan and a couple of eggs. "I'm in the mood for omelets!"

Two hours later, the cavern was pleasantly smoky; the group of students feeling melancholic and giggly. "Man," Ron commented, shoveling another forkful of eggs into his mouth, "these were the best omelet's I ever had. I mean, ever. You know?" He glanced down at where Seamus was using his lap as a pillow.

"I know, brother, I know." Seamus brought the joint to his lips, inhaling deeply, before passing the roach over to Harry. "Today is just one of those days where it's great to be _alive._"

Harry laughed as Draco demonstrated his ability to inhale without choking. "Draco, your eyes are so gray."

"Yes," Draco nodded solemnly, "I know."

"No." Harry leaned closer, until their faces were mere inches apart. "I mean your eyes are _gray_. Like _gray_ gray. It's intense."

"I hate my boobs," Hermione confided in a loud whisper. She cupped her breasts, lifting them up before watching them fall down. She turned mournful brown eyes to Neville. "I just know they're going to be all saggy and wonky when I get older. No one will ever love me." She sniffed.

"I like your boobs, Hermione," Neville stated loyally. "I like them a lot."

"Really?" Hermione beamed at him. "Did you know," she whispered loudly, "that when I was younger I wanted to be a super model?"

"What's that?"

"It's where you put on different outfits and walk around so people can see them and stuff."

Pansy nodded knowingly. "That could be fun."

Hermione brightened. "You wanna model with me?" Pansy nodded, struggling to her feet. Hermione tripped standing up and crashed into Neville. "Oops," she giggled again. "Sorry." Finally making it to her feet, she began stripping down to her bra and knickers.

"I should spend more time in the library," Blaise mused out loud.

"This cavern," Theodore Nott spread his arms wide from where he was sitting on the floor leaning against the slowly decomposing Basilisk. "This cavern," he repeated, "is like the world. It's like… we're small, and the snakes are big. And we need to be careful or they'll eat us. In our sleep."

Dean looked up from where he was drawing a picture of Nott a la Salvador Dali. "Whoa, man. That's deep."

"Yes," Ted nodded sagely. "It is."

"Like the snakes are keeping us in line," Dean mused, adding a few squiggles to where Nott's face was supposed to be. "But the cavern is bigger than us all."

From across the room Seamus pumped his fist in the air and shouted, "Damn the man!"

Dean flashed him the peace sign, settling back down with his sketch pad. "The world is a vampire," he sang under his breath, "sent to drain…"

Theodore Nott looked at the Gryffindor in shock, taking a deep breath from the fag clamped between his lips. "Dean, my man," he breathed. "I think you are the only person in the world – you hear me, _the world_ – who understands me." His eyes filled up with tears as he reached out and draped an arm around Dean, dragging him closer to his side and to the side of the dead Basilisk. "I love you, man."

Dean cracked up laughing. "But you're still not getting my Bud Light!" he quipped.

Nott looked confused. "Huh?"

"Nothing."

"Your eyes are very green, Potter." Draco gazed in fascination at the face that was still mere inches from his own. "Like green pools flecked with… green." He frowned. "Oh my God I sound like a Gryffindor." Harry smiled.

Pansy came floating by wearing Hermione's bra and Seamus' tie. "I am going to be a model, Draco," she announced happily; settling one hand on her hip and jutting her other out in what she probably presumed was a Vogue-esque pose but made her look more like a little girl playing 'I'm A Little Teapot.'

"Good for you, Pansy!" Harry roared, pumping his fist into the air encouragingly.

The blonde beamed a smile. "And I am going to make loads of pounds and… what else am I going to demand, Mudblood?"

"Doritos," Hermione supplied; waltzing over wearing Neville's shirt half unbuttoned and Blaise's boxers. She slung a companionable arm around Pansy, jutted her hips, and pouted beguilingly as though posing for an imaginary picture. "Doritos are love. We must demand lots and lots of them."

"Right," Pansy nodded seriously.

"Harry," Draco said slowly. "Are Nott and your artist friend making out with the basilisk?"

Slightly hazy green eyes glanced over and observed the duo cuddled together. "Nope," he said firmly, "they're sleeping."

"Oh thank Morgana," Draco breathed out, sagging against Harry's side in relief. "I thought I was going to have to give the bestiality lecture again. Shagging dead pets is just so not on!"

Seamus laughed, one hand idly playing with a lock of Ron's red hair. "You're a kinky little bugger, aren't you Malfoy?"

Draco sniffed. "Of course not. I am a pureblood!" He yawned, cuddling up closer to Harry.

Harry waved in the general direction of Ted and Dean. "We should take a nap," he mumbled; slouching further down the wall and closing his eyes.

"I don't want to take a nap," Neville whined. "I want to dance."

"I'll dance with you Nev!" Hermione grinned, walking back towards him, now sporting Nott's robe with Dean's tie in her hair like a headband.

Pansy giggled from where she had sandwiched herself between Seamus and Ron. "We should probably deny this night ever happened," she sleepily mumbled against Ron's neck.

Blaise nodded, stretching out on the floor and absently wondering where Hermione had ditched his boxers. "Yep," he agreed. "Especially once Draco wakes up and realizes he's humping Potter in his sleep."

Hermione laughed as Neville whirled her round and round in slightly clumsy circles. "This was such a great day!"

Neville nodded, watching her spinning body with rapt attention. "I really do like your breasts," he assured her earnestly.


	3. Number 142

Number 142: To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys is not an appropriate career choice

Number 142: To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys is not an appropriate career choice.

Hermione groaned and dropped her head on the table with an audible thump. "Harry, you didn't," she pleaded. "Please tell me you didn't." Harry just smirked; trying desperately to look like a certain sexy Slytherin and failing miserably.

Ginny looked between Harry and Hermione in confusion. "What? What did he do?" Seamus and Dean snickered into their breakfast.

Hermione looked up and turned the full power of her glare onto Harry's unrepentant and unapologetic form. "He," she hissed, stabbing her finger viciously into Harry's chest, "stepped way out of line." Harry tried, and failed, to look innocent.

"Nonsense," he replied, calmly taking a sip of his tea. "I merely don't wish to have to fight Voldemort every year, and thought I would send out a letter with a few pointers in it to speed along his demise."

Ginny nodded at Harry, eyeing Hermione warily. "I'm with you so far."

Fluffy hair whipped around as Hermione brought her head off the table. "Oh no," she responded shrilly. "That would have been all well and good _had he bothered to take it seriously_. Instead, he turned it into a joke and nothing was accomplished except adding fuel to Voldemort's rage!"

Ron blinked at his friends from across the table, unable to speak due to the vast quantity of food in his mouth. "Huh?"

Harry sighed, settling down his tea. "In the Muggle world there is a delightful movie that runs parallels to my life."

"Star Wars?" Colin Creevey piped up hopefully. Dean choked on his bacon.

Harry looked thoughtful but shook his head. "Nope, but that's a good one. The movie I'm referring to is The Wizard of Oz."

Seamus blinked, Dennis Creevey giggled, and the purebloods looked horribly confused. Harry sighed again, rolling his eyes for emphasis. "See, Dorothy gets trapped in a storm and taken from her home to this new place called OZ. Unlike her home, OZ is in color and wonderful and _magical_. Dorothy kills one of the wicked witches when she's new to the world and innocent." Harry pulled back his fringe and pointed to his scar. "Then the other wicked witch, the first baddies sister, tries to kill Dorothy. Little Dorothy has to kill or be killed, and her friends help her along the way." He picked up his tea again, heaving one of the melodramatic sighs he had mastered during his Emo stage, and delicately took a sip.

Ginny looked slightly unimpressed. "And you feel this runs parallel to your life?"

"Yep," Harry took another sip of tea. "I came from a black and white existence with the Dursley's to the colorful world of hope and promise of Hogwarts. Thanks to Mum I managed to toss Voldemort out of his body when I was young and innocent, once he came back he's been attacking me ever since; much like the Wicked Witch tormented Dorothy during her quest." Ginny and Neville nodded, enthralled. "You got Dumbledore, who, much like the Wizard of Oz, is intent upon controlling my life, and the loyal friends I meet along the way who help me evade Voldemort without dying." Even Parvati looked suitably impressed with this synopsis.

"Cor, mate," Ron breathed, staring at his friend wide eyed. "It is like you. Well," he blushed, "except your name is Harry not Dorothy, and you're not a girl."

"POTTER!" The Gryffindor table looked over as one to see a red faced Draco Malfoy stomping towards them clutching a wrinkled bit of parchment. "Do you have any idea what THIS is?" He thrust the paper in Harry's face.

"It's a bit of parchment," Neville volunteered helpfully; shrinking under the weight of Draco's wrathful gaze.

"Erm… Potter?" Heads swiveled yet again as Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle stepped over to the Gryffindor table. Lavender Brown led out an undignified squeak and rushed down to the other end of the table. "Well, see, Da wrote us this morning about your letter. You know, the one you sent him?" Harry nodded encouragingly. "Right," Goyle nodded. "Well, see, he thinks you're a little confused. He doesn't own any flying monkeys."

"Ah," Harry said understandingly. "I see where the confusion came from. Please let your Da know that I wasn't accusing him of _owning_ a flying monkey, I was accusing him of _being_ a flying monkey for Voldemort."

"Oh." Goyle and Crabbe nodded once to each other. "Well, thanks for clearing that up. We'll go write him and let him know." Draco groaned; reaching up to massage his temples as his minions wandered away.

"What just happened here?" Ginny looked horrendously confused and on the verge of laughter.

"Harry," Hermione sighed, "sent Voldemort a letter explaining to him that trying to conquer the world with an army of flying monkeys is not an appropriate career choice. Then," her voice rose to an angry shriek, "_then_ he charmed the parchment to spray out a blast of water while the sound of a woman shrieking 'I'm melting, I'm melting, curse you!' plays in the background." Seamus and Dean stared at Hermione for five solid seconds before howling with laughter.

"I thought that was rather clever," Harry grinned. "Took me forever to charm the damn parchment."

"And why, Potter," Draco said tiredly, sinking into the seat next to him at the table. "Why did you charm the parchment for my father as well?" The Creevey brothers instantly slapped a hand over their mouths to repress their snickers. They had met Lucius Malfoy in Diagon Alley once. It had been… memorable.

Reaching up to rub soothing circles on the blonds' back, Harry kept his voice low and non-threatening. "Well, see, I was sending the letters to Voldemort and all his little sycophants and got confused when I realized I didn't know who all his lame braided lackeys were. So I rubbed the parchment against my scar and told the owls to deliver the parchments to anyone they felt had residual dark magic on them." He paused, thoughtful. "In hindsight, it was an awful lot of owls who left.' He shook his head, ignoring Neville's quiet chuckle. "Since I didn't know who all was getting letters, I charmed all the parchments to blast out a shot of water and shriek." He patted Draco's head. "They all had two messages in them. The first for Voldemort, then a second message that appeared accusing his Death Eaters of being nothing more than glorified flying monkeys." He grinned at Draco. "So you see? It wasn't a personal insult against your father. I just wanted to make sure Voldemort wasn't left out."

Hermione snorted. "He very thoughtfully included a copy of the DVD with each letter."

"Blimey Harry," Dean looked shocked. "That had to be expensive and time consuming."

Harry shrugged. "Not really. You buy blank DVD's in bulk and charm the original to copy over. Took a day to learn the spell and two days to learn the other spell and send out the results."

Draco continued to rub at his temples. "Father was less than pleased." He tossed his letter in Harry's general direction. "I am supposed to make your life miserable to make up for the tremendous insult you have bestowed upon my family."

"Really?" Harry looked pleased, idly examining the letter. He idly began massaging Draco's shoulders. "Well, you've done a bang up job at that for the last six years or so. Just have a bit of tea," he pushed his cup in front of the Slytherin. Draco picked it up and took a sip automatically. "And after your tea, well, just write him back that you made me cry or something."

"I have made your life miserable, haven't I?" Draco looked imminently cheered by this knowledge. Standing up, he calmly took Harry's cup of tea and dumped it in the Gryffindor's lap. Harry shouted angrily, shooting to his feet and lifting his shirt to reveal already reddened flesh on his stomach. Draco eyed him impassively. "And now I can tell father I redeemed his honor. Pity there weren't any tears. Next time Potter, don't get confused." With that he turned and stalked away from the table.

Ron blinked, looking between Draco's departing back, to Harry's grinning face, to where Harry had been sitting rubbing Draco's back. He turned to Hermione, asking almost pleadingly, "What just happened here?"

"Harry wasn't able to reach the Emerald City," Seamus called out cheerfully.

"No horse of a different color for him," Dennis snickered.

Dean eyed Ron speculatively. "Would that make you the Cowardly Lion?"

"Maybe Todo," Colin offered cheekily.

"Hermione would definitely be the Wizard of Oz," Dennis added; eyeing Hermione reverently. Hermione preened.

"No," Harry sighed, watching a dripping Snape stalk towards the Gryffindor table. "Somehow I don't think even Hermione can save me by hitting me over the head while I chant, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's…" He trailed off, hitting the floor with a thump, as Hermione whacked him over the head with her golden plate.

Snape stood next to Harry's prone form before turning to Hermione. She smiled sweetly at the professor. "He obviously didn't think his plan through." She glared at her best friend. "Perhaps next time he'll run his ideas by me first, or learn to cover them up better."

"Five points to Gryffindor." Snape nodded curtly and departed.


	4. Number 45

Number 45: "Quidditch players do it in the air" broom stickers are not allowed

Number 45: "Quidditch players do it in the air" broom stickers are not allowed.

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Harry grinned, smiling and waving benevolently to his cheering classmates as he entered the Great Hall for breakfast with Luna gliding along by his side. It was Saturday, the day of the Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff, and the school was abuzz with merriment and excitement and a myriad of fluffy happy emotions Hufflepuff-ish in nature. Luna dreamily handed out slips of rectangular paper to people as they passed by, before joining Harry at the Gryffindor table. She studied the contents of the breakfast table intently before selecting a pickle, a slice of bread, three different types of soft cheese, and a parmesan bagel. Carefully, she placed the cheese slices on top of the bread, the pickle on top of the cheese, and slathered the whole concoction with syrup. Then she picked up her bagel and took a leisurely bite.

Hermione tore her eyes away from the gooey mass on the table to smile at the blonde tentatively. "Good morning, Luna. What a… unusual assortment of food. Are you feeling well this morning?"

Large protuberant eyes blinked slowly. "I am helping Harry prepare," she said simply.

"Morning all!" Ginny smiled at the table as she approached, dropping her Quidditch banner on the floor before helping herself to some coffee. "Hey Luna? Did I see you coming out of the Gryffindor common room this morning?"

Luna smiled dreamily, slowly sucking a bit of syrup off her finger. "Yes," she said simply. "Of course you did." She tilted her head towards the red head curiously. "I believe I waved at you."

Dennis Creevey looked between Harry and Luna with a slightly desperate look before looking down and glaring at the camera hanging from his neck. "I can't believe I missed that."

Hermione gasped. "Did you… were you with _Harry_ this morning?" Harry smirked, not bothering to glance up from his fascinating arrangement of toast. Luna giggled. Hermione and Ginny gaped.

Neville flushed, looking at Harry and Luna with wide eyes. "Did you, you know," he lowered his voice, looking slightly frightened by his own daring for asking, "do _it_?"

Luna gave him a scathing look. "Of course not," she said sharply. Well, sharply for Luna, anyway. "Can't you _read_?"

Katie Bell walked into the Great Hall at that moment and laughingly headed over to Harry; followed closely by her giggling friends. Katie shook her broom in Harry's general direction. "Cheers Harry that was brill!" She winked. "Thanks for the motivation!"

The Gryffindor sixth years gaped as Katie walked away. Dean looked largely put out. "Figures," he muttered, savagely stabbing his sausage. "There _would_ be a Player's Club at Hogwarts, and Harry _would_ be the leader."

Luna blinked innocently. "But, Dean, Harry held auditions."

"What!" Seamus shouted. "And I missed them!"

"Ron made the roster," Luna supplied dreamily, folding her little scraps of rectangles into airplanes that zoomed around the Great Hall. Harry winked at Ginny.

"What?" Hermione demanded; eyes narrowed into intimidating slits.

"Ginny did too." Luna ignored the dangerous look and continued sending her little airplanes around the hall; softly singing 'Weasley Is Our King' under her breath. Seamus, Neville, and Dean turned and gazed at Ginny with a new level of appreciation. Ginny managed to look a strange combination of confused, mortified, and oddly pleased all at once.

"Morning," Ron grunted, sliding sleepily into a spot next to Hermione. He reached for some pumpkin juice, too nervous about the game to actually eat. He looked around the table, noticing Hermione's glare, Neville's look of wide eyed shock, Ginny's vibrant blush, and Dean and Dennis's mirroring looks of near hero worship. "Err… did I miss something?"

Harry laughed, finally looking up. "Nope, nothing, mate. Just discussing a bit of strategy about our, you know, games, we like to play." He winked.

"Oh, right," Ron said, brightening. He looked around the table proudly. "I came up with three of the plays by myself!"

"Oh really?" Hermione asked icily.

Ron looked rather confused by her reaction. "Yeah," he said slowly. "And I guarantee these moves will get quite the reaction!" Harry choked on his tea. Luna continued to sing. Ron blinked at his gaping classmates. "What? It's not like its really hard to do or anything."

Cho Chang chose this particular moment to storm over to the Gryffindor table, throwing a crumpled paper airplane at Harry's head. "Harry! How could you?! If my father finds out about this…" she trailed off, growling in frustration and pulling at her hair.

"What happened?" Lavender and Parvati chorused; eyes bright with expectation.

Cho ignored them, focusing her ire on Harry's sheepish looking face. "My father is _Asian_, Potter. _Old school raised!_ And while my mother may overlook certain things and have a more modern approach to life, my father is very set in his ways! If he feels my virtue is in question he can have me pulled from the team!" She shook her fists at him, growled once more, and stormed out of the room; shoving past Draco Malfoy as he entered without pausing or slowing down.

Ginny gave Harry a wide eyed look. "You compromised Cho's _virtue_? Blimey, Harry, I thought you'd simply stolen a few kisses last year."

Hannah Abbott, the surprise new player for the Hufflepuff team, came over and kissed the top of Harry's head. "I think it's clever, Harry!" She winked. "And definitely catchy and desirable." She smiled brightly at the surrounding Gryffindors. "Well, see you on the pitch!"

Harry watched her walk away with narrowed eyes. "It worries me that she's on their team," he murmured. He exchanged grim smiles with Ron.

"Why?" Neville asked curiously.

"The girl's bloodthirsty," Ron answered with a shudder. "Bloodthirsty and enthusiastic."

Hermione made a strangled sound in her throat and wandlessly transfigured Ron's pumpkin juice into cod liver oil. She ignored his gagging and reached across the table for the parchment Cho had flung at Harry. For a moment she simply stared. Then she looked between Harry's wicked grin, Ginny's confused but blushing face, to where Ron was moaning and trying to retch on the floor. Hermione giggled. "This is an order form," she said in an odd tone of voice.

"An order form?" Draco sneered from behind Harry. "Planning on selling yourself off for a bit of extra Galleons?" For some reason he frowned after saying that.

Harry laughed, leaning backwards until his head rested against Draco's warm chest and belly. He looked at Hermione expectantly, but she was still staring at the parchment and giggling oddly. "Luna, if you would be so kind." Still singing, Luna paused in her creation of flying paper airplanes to hand Draco one of the rectangular slips.

Draco stared at the slip in his hand. "_QUIDDITCH PLAYERS DO IT IN THE AIR!" _he read out incredulously. His hand absently dropped down and began stroking Harry's head.

"That's right," Harry agreed brightly. "So far we have broom stickers, T-shirts, decorative ink holders, engraved quills, and robes. Although, personally, I'm hoping we work on fleece hooded sweaters with front pockets next." He looked at Luna expectantly. She shrugged unconcernedly.

"Why would you be looking to Luna for confirmation?" Lavender asked in confusion.

"She's my manager," Harry informed her solemnly.

That was enough to get Hermione's attention. "Manager?"

"Yep," Harry announced proudly. "She just started the advertisements yesterday and already owl order is at thirteen percent!"

"Owl order," Hermione repeated.

"Umm," Luna agreed, lazily sucking the pickle into her mouth to catch some errant drops of syrup. Seamus' eyes crossed. "Daddy is letting me advertise for free, and since we agreed to give the Goblins a 1 investment in our product, they allowed us to open up a vault with a 4 starting interest rate." Hermione blinked.

Dean shifted closer to Luna. "I've always liked syrup,' he told her breathlessly. Luna merely smiled and licked her fingers.

"Four percent starting interest rate," Hermione repeated.

Luna cocked her head and studied the bushy haired Gryffindor. "You're awfully repetitive this morning, Hermione. Were you by chance attacked by Biting Wobblers in your sleep?" The blonde turned to Neville. "Quick, check her breasts for any discoloration."

Neville brightened. "I like her breasts." Hermione flushed scarlet.

Harry ignored his friends, reaching up to clasp Draco behind his neck and bend his body closer. "I have a theory, Draco," he breathed in the blonds' ear.

Draco shivered. "Oh really, Potter. And what would that be?"

Harry grinned. "I think the better you are in your… _position_… the better you are at doing _it_ in the air." He captured the lobe of Draco's ear in his mouth and sucked gently. "I think it would be fun to practice doing _it _with you. On a broom. Or the back of a Hippogriff. Maybe a flying motorcycle. I'm not picky. And you do know what they say." Draco shook his head as Harry's fingers carded through his hair. Harry blew gently into the Slytherin's ear. "Practice makes perfect. And practice is _oh so important _for Quidditch players." Draco abruptly stood; looking oddly flushed, and quickly walked away.

Luna watched the blond exit the Great Hall. "I wonder if he went down to the stables this morning?" she mused aloud.

Ron, finally managing to right himself on the seat, shoved his offending goblet distrustfully away from him and turned towards Luna. "The stables? Why would you wonder that?"

She shrugged, idly swirling her fingers in more syrup and licking them clean. "He looked rather bow legged as he walked away."

Harry sighed wistfully, looking towards the doors of the Great Hall. "Damn I wish we were playing Slytherin today."

Ron reached across the table and patted Harry's hand consolingly. "Don't worry, Harry, you'll get that git soon. Then you'll show him who's boss."

Harry brightened. "Promise?" Ron nodded supportively.

Luna giggled, dreamily resuming her paper airplane craft.


	5. Number 105

Authors Note: I am pants at accents. No, no, I really am. Therefore, when Hagrid talks, please utilize this lovely thing called your _imagination _and _pretend_ you really hear a thick Scottish or Welsh or whatever the fuck he is accent. Much obliged ;)

Number 105: I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince them they are real animals.

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"Harry! What's the story with you?"

"Hmm? Oh, hey Hagrid." Harry grinned up at his friend. "Just sitting here plotting up ways to make this year memorable. The whole, 'yearly fight for my life' thing gets a trifle stifling after awhile. You know?"

Hagrid blinked. "Err… right. Listen Harry, you don't have a first period this year, right?"

"Correct."

"Ah, good. See, tomorrow I have a little… investment opportunity… that presented itself over at the Hogs Head. Could you maybe take care of my first period class for me?"

"Um, I totally would, Hagrid, but, um, I'm not sure that's quite legal. You know, with the whole Board of Governors and whatnot."

Hagrid made a dismissive gesture with his hands. "Oh, they'll be fine. It's just first year Slytherin and Gryffindor students. No big deal."

Harry shrugged. "Alright then. What's the lesson plan?"

"The what?"

Harry's smiled turned more than a little wicked. "Never you mind Hagrid." He grinned. "I'll take care of everything for you."

Hagrid beamed, slapping Harry on the back so hard Harry nearly fell off the steps he was sitting on. "You're a good lad, Harry. A right good lad."

The next morning, an unusually bright eyed Harry came to breakfast toting a large bag that clanked cheerfully when he settled it on the floor. Hermione eyed the bag warily. "Do I want to know?"

Harry buttered a piece of toast. "Question for you. Breaking school rules: good or bad?"

"Bad."

"Then no, you don't want to know."

"Harry…"

Breakfast, when one refuses to engage in idle conversation with friends, goes remarkably quickly. In no time at all Harry found himself standing in front of terrified first years. "Morning!" he grinned. "I'm Harry Potter and I will be your teacher this morning."

A wide eyed Gryffindor raised his hand. "Mr. Potter? Sir? Not that I'm complaining… but, um, where's Mr. Hagrid?"

Harry nodded solemnly. "Five points to Gryffindor for such a relevant question." The Slytherins scowled. "I am here today to teach you a very important lesson about magical creatures living right here in our very own Forbidden Forest. Now," he continued briskly, pushing his fringe away from his scar, "who can tell me why this scar looks so familiar?"

The same Gryffindor raised his hand again. "If you please, sir, it's the scar from when you defeated He-Who…"

"Nope," Harry cut him off cheerfully. Several students exchanged wide eyed looks as Harry pulled a card out of his pocket and enlarged it. "Anyone else want to try?"

A young Slytherin tentatively raised his hand. "It looks just like the creatures tail."

"Correct!" Harry beamed. "Ten points to Slytherin!" The students straightened collectively. No teacher had _ever_ given Slytherin so many points in one setting! Well, except for Snape, of course. But Harry Potter was a Gryffindor! "Now," Harry continued, feigning ignorance to the increased level of attention, "can anyone _else_ tell me who this creature is?"

"Picachu!" Several students cried out at once.

"I never knew they were real," a young Gryffindor girl cried out in shock.

Harry nodded solemnly once again. "Oh, they're real all right. And there are several of them living in and around the lake, as well as in the forest." He reached into his bag and began distributing red and white circular balls; two each to all of the students. "Now, your assignment today is to attempt to identify and locate two Pokemon apiece. Don't scare the little blighters, or hurt them overmuch. Use your wand and your head. A few stunning spells should be adequate." The kids nodded, wide eyed and excited. "For today's lesson, I need a Gryffindor to pair up with a Slytherin."

He held up his hand against the predictable litany of groans, complaints, and half hearted death threats. "Now, now. The purebloods haven't been exposed to Pokemon like the Muggle born and Half-bloods have. You have to help them out." The kids sighed, nodding reluctantly, and hastening to match themselves up with their counterparts before Harry assigned them to someone they really hated versus disliked on principle. "If you and your partner cannot locate two Pokemon apiece, then I expect you to get together outside of class and draw two of them, as well as list their preferred habitats. Got it?" He waited for the nods. "Off you go then. Just remember, no deeper than… oh, twenty feet or so into the forest, and no actual submersion in the lake." Harry smirked, settling himself in the steps of Hagrid's cottage as he watched the children scamper off.

"Ponyta is really cool…"

"Ponyta? Screw that. You gotta go for Rapidash!"

"Well I like the gentle ones like Butterfree…"

"I didn't think they were real! But if Harry Potter says so…"

"Cor! Wait till I tell my brother about this!"

This teaching stuff was just too easy. He grinned again when a cool voice spoke from over his left shoulder. "Potter. Not that I particularly care, mind you, but why are you allowing the ickle firsties to become food to some dark hideous beasts lurking in the forest?"

"Aww, Draco, you almost sound like you care about them."

"I shall endeavor to alter my tone immediately."

Green eyes opened as Harry burst out laughing. Draco was flipping through the pile of Pokemon cards Harry had brought out with him, wearing an expression of mild disgust. "Potter, I recognize the fact you were raised in a hovel vaguely similar to Weasel's, but even you are not stupid enough to suggest these creatures are real."

"How do you know they're not?" he challenged. Draco merely lifted an eyebrow, giving him a disdainful look. "All right, they aren't. But I thought it would be fun to tell Hagrid they were."

Draco snorted. "And here I thought you liked the inbred oaf."

"Don't call him that," Harry corrected automatically. "I do like him. " He shrugged philosophically. "It's his own fault for not developing a lesson plan."

"Harry!"

He turned at the shout, waving at the approaching figure lumbering closer. "Go along with it, yeah?"

"I suppose it could enliven an otherwise routine afternoon."

Hagrid regarded Draco suspiciously. "What brings you out this way, Malfoy?"

"He's helping me," Harry spoke up earnestly. Hagrid turned to him in surprise. "See, Hagrid…" he heaved another one of his infamously deep and melodramatic sighs. Draco snorted, rolling his eyes behind Hagrid's back. "You see I discovered a whole batch of creatures that made Hogwarts their home. But… I couldn't catch them all… so I sent the first years out with detailed instruction on how to bring them back." Hagrid looked doubtful. Harry shuffled through his stack of cards before finding the one he wanted. "Like this one." A tap of his wand enlarged the picture.

Hagrid gazed at the snarling, vicious looking creature and slowly read off its description. "Gyarados is the second evolutionary stage for Magikarp. These vicious - snake-like Pokemon are rarely seen in the wild and are capable of destroying entire cities in a rage." Hagrid gasped, looking desperately towards the lake where a group of first years had gathered. "Oh the poor lamb! And it's lost here at Hogwarts, Harry?"

Harry nodded sadly. "Yes, a whole batch of them are. Luckily I have copies of their pictures…" he trailed off, gazing morosely into the east. Draco reached over and patted his arm consolingly.

"HARRY!" They all turned to see a breathless Slytherin and Gryffindor duo racing towards them. "Harry! Mr. Potter! We found one!"

"You did?" Harry asked blankly. He shook his head, remembering himself. "You did! That's bril! Let me see, then."

Carefully they set the red and white striped ball on the ground and released their creature. Harry stared. And stared. He flipped through his Pokemon cards, located the correct one, and stared some more. "Well?" The students asked breathlessly. "Did we do good?"

"Err…" Harry stared again.

Draco reached over, plucked the card from Harry's hand and examined it carefully. "Twenty points to Slytherin for cunning and successfully capturing that," he waved his hand vaguely, "thingy."

"And twenty point to Gryffindor," Harry chimed in, finally managing to collect himself. "For successfully identifying a Bulbasaur."

Hagrid burst into tears, clutching the first years to him tightly. "Bless you!" he sobbed; oblivious to the choking sounds the two kids were making. He released them, not caring one whit when they fell to the ground and gasped for breath. "Everybody!" he shouted, turning and lumbering towards the rest of the class. "Everybody look carefully! The poor little dears need our help…"

Harry tuned out the rest of Hagrid's ranting, continuing to gaze in shock at the Pokemon wandering around in front of him. "Well fuck me," he mused, scratching his head.

"We could do that," Draco idly commented, staring at the creature with revulsion and inching just a little further away from it and closer to Harry. "But I really am not up for an audience. Besides which," he turned to look at a gob-smacked Harry with a smirk. "They usually don't discuss the joys of reproduction until third year. We may forever traumatize the next generation."

Harry simply grinned.

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Authors note number two.

So... I wrote this story in response to a challenge that a reviewer gave me. Namely, write a story where I don't kill a character they like, light a five year old on fire, or cause angst like there was no angst before. Therefore, I only have three more ideas for chapters until this story is out of my hands. My question: do I need to hunt down more of these... or after three more should this story did a lovely little death? Let me know :)

Kisses!

Roo


	6. Number 46

Number 46: I will stop asking when we are going to make "Love Potion Number 9."

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"You ready for this?" Harry murmured quietly.

"Yep," his two accomplices chorused; equally as quietly.

Harry nodded, smiling innocently at the sharp look Hermione was sending his way. Ron, God love him, was as oblivious to the undercurrents in the room as always, and was still prattling on about the latest Chudley Cannons game. Not realizing he was talking to himself as Hermione was blatantly ignoring him to spy on Harry, and Harry had dropped back to finish his plans. Across the hall, green eyes clashed with gray. An eyebrow lifted, a nod was received, and the conversation was over.

"Enter," Snape called, opening the door to the Potions lab with a flick of his wrist. All conversations ceased. It wasn't until Snape had assigned the day's potion and the students got to work that Harry raised his hand.

"Sir?" he called out cheerfully. Snape was instantly suspicious.

""Potter."

"Well, I was just wondering, Sir, when we were going to make Love Potion Number Nine?"

The Slytherins looked up with interest; there was a love potion they weren't aware of? Was it addictive? Could it be used to control their prey… err, the hapless weak willed specimen gullible enough to consume it? Several Gryffindors clued into the sing-song way Harry had uttered the words and snickered. Snape looked baffled. "Love Potion Number Nine? Have the neurons in your brain stopped firing all together? There is not such an idiotically labeled potion on the market. Cease your foolish wonderings and resume your lesson." He glared out at the class.

Harry scratched his head, looking genuinely confused. "But, Sir," he continued, almost hesitantly. "I know such a thing exists."

"It does not," Snape denied with a sharp shake of his greasy mane.

"Oh but it does."

"Five points from Gryffindor."

"That won't make it stop existing."

"Potter," Snape ground out, completely exasperated. "It does not exist I tell you!" Harry opened his mouth stubbornly. "Tell me, Potter," he interrupted quickly, "can you produce this produce you appear so enamored with?"

"Yes," Harry replied, reaching into his robes and producing a glowing blue bottle with a flourish. "Yes, I can!"

"Ooh, "Dean murmured, eyes wide and glued to the bottle. "I've heard of that potion!"

"Yeah," Seamus agreed, equally impressed. "That's the one that was produced by Madame Rue for the bloke who'd been a flop with chicks since 1956."

"A flop with…? Oh for heaven's sake." Snape stalked forward, eyeing the bottle with reluctant interest. "What is in it?"

Harry shrugged. "Who knows?"

Neville gave Harry a wide eyed look. "You have been taking a potion you know nothing about?"

"Well," Harry said defensively, "I was a little tired in the week following the initiation of my business."

"Your business?" Daphne Greengrass looked slightly appalled that she had voluntarily entered into a conversation with Gryffindors.

"Quidditch players do it in the air," Seamus, Ron, Dean, Neville, Lavender, and Hermione chorused.

"That was you, Potter?" Millicent Bulstrode looked impressed. It was a frightening look for her. "That was clever."

Harry winked. "Thank you." He shrugged, twirling the bottle idly between his hands. "Anyways, it was a busy week, what with interest being so… peaked, and all. This helped."

Draco scoffed, eyeing the bottle with clinical detachment. As though examining the bottle from across the aisle would magically tell him what was in it. "It's probably colored water, Potter. A lackadaisical dolt like you wouldn't be able to separate a quality potion from an inferior one."

"It is too a real potion!" Harry shouted, angrily pulling the stopper from the top.

"Potter!" Snape barked. "I forbid you to drink an unknown potion!"

"Ooh," Dean said again. "It smells like turpentine!"

"Like what?" half the class chorused. Harry smirked.

"Does it taste like Indian ink, Harry?" Seamus asked excitedly. Harry shrugged, waved his arms about in a fashion that would have made Lockhart proud, and chugged it.

The class froze. Snape looked an odd mixture between horrified that he would be forced to help Harry, and fascinated to see what the results from taking an unknown potion would be. Harry supposed he now knew what lab rats felt like. He groaned, flinging the back of his wrist theatrically over his eyes. Hermione jumped up and shook Harry's shoulders roughly. "Harry! Harry speak to me!

"Yeah Harry!" Seamus jumped up as well. "Tell me; quick… is it day or night?"

"I… I don't…" Harry shook his head as though fighting through layers of dizziness. "I don't know if it's day or night!" He opened his eyes, gazing for a second into Hermione's pale and nervous face. "Hermione…." He breathed.

"Yes Har…Oommph!" She was cut off as Harry brought his lips down on hers and snogged her like it was the only thing he had dreamt about doing for years.

"Mr. Potter!" Snape roared.

"Harry? Hermione?" Ron sat down with a thump, gazing at the lip locked pair in shock.

"It's all right, mate," Dean soothed, patting him comfortingly on the top of his head. "Harry's not in his right mind. It's the potion talking." Ron nodded dumbly.

Draco reached over and picked up the potion vial as Harry finally released Hermione. The poor girl sagged, staggering backwards to land gracelessly in Neville's lap; one trembling hand fingering her lips. Draco ignored her, licking a drop of the potion off his finger. He made a face. "This is nothing more than…"

Harry jumped over the aisle and tackled him. "Oh Draco," he breathed, "I've always had a fetish for dragons." He crashed their mouths together; a hand running over and up Draco's hip to fist in his blond hair and hold him in place.

"Mr. Potter!" Snape didn't quite know what to do other than yell out Harry's name in varying degrees of shock.

Blaise Zabini stared at Draco in fascination. "How the hell does he arch his back like that?" he shook his head wonderingly. "It looks painful."

"It is," Pansy Parkinson and Tracy Davis chorused. Both girls looked up, startled at having spoken out loud. They shrugged at Blaise's substantially more interested look and went back to watching the boys.

"But I'm not a dragon," Draco gasped out; refusing to acknowledge that his hands were pulling Harry closer rather than pushing him away.

"Role playing games, baby." Harry kissed across Draco's jaw and down his throat. "Role playing games. You'd look amazing with feathers."

"Mr. Potter!" Having successfully fought his way through the clustered mass of students, Snape pointed his wand and petrified Harry. Draco whimpered before he quite remembered himself.

"That's ok, Draco," Daphne rubbed his arm. "I would have whimpered too." She turned to Dean. "So, this Madame Rue; where is her Apothecary located?"

Ron was shaking his head slowly back and forth, face completely bloodless. "Under the influence… only a potion… not kissing Hermione by choice… _definitely _not kissing Malfoy by choice… yep, completely drugged."

Lavender turned to Parvati and giggled. "Creevy's going to wet his pants when he finds out he missed this."

"Where," Snape shouted, completely infuriated to have lost such complete control of his class. "Where is that blasted bottle of Love Potion Number Nine!"

Neville raised his hand timidly. "I accidentally stepped on it, sir." He shivered, hiding behind a still dazed Hermione, as Snape turned the full power of his glare upon the luckless Gryffindor.

Harry, having been revived once he had been removed from Malfoy, sighed sadly. "He broke my little bottle of Love Potion Number Nine."

"FIFTY POINTS from Gryffindor for mauling another student! Draco, go directly to Madame Pomphrey; you may have ingested some of the potion." Draco nodded, allowing an extremely smug looking Pansy to lead him from the room. "Twenty points from Gryffindor for aiding in the destruction of a potentially illegal substance; and another thirty points for disrupting my class! Now, everyone, get out!"

"Sir?" Lavender asked timidly. "What about Harry? Shouldn't he go to the Hospital Wing, too?"

Snape was shaking with barely suppressed rage. "I don't care if Potter crawls into a corner and dies," he hissed. "Take him to the Hospital Wing, take him to the Headmaster, take him back to your ruddy common room. I don't care where you put him! Just. Get. Him. Out. Of. My. Sight!"

The class scattered. Harry grinned, draping a companionable arm around Seamus. "That was quite fun!"

Hermione snorted. "And only lost Gryffindor One Hundred points."

Harry nodded, turning behind him to glance at where Neville was dragging an unresisting Ron behind him. "Oi, Ron!" Dazed blue eyes locked onto sparkling green. "I promise that the only reason I kissed Hermione was because of the potion." Seamus and Dean snickered, sharing a conspiratorial look. "You're a Prefect. If I promise never to kiss her again, will you award Gryffindor One Hundred points?"

Ron nodded, looking slightly less shell shocked. "Sure, mate." Hermione gaped.

"You can't just… complete disregard for propriety… abuse of powers… eeeerrrrrrgghh!" She stormed off. "I'm going to the Library! I hate you all!"

The cheerful group continued walking towards the tower. Ron suddenly paused on the steps. "Hey Harry? That potion… well, I get that you couldn't control yourself. And I'm not blaming you! But, umm…. That potion… well, that's the only reason you kissed Malfoy right?"

Harry just laughed.


	7. Number 136

Number 136: I am not allowed to start a Hogwarts Fight Club

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Dennis Creevy's eyes were huge in his startlingly pale face. "You mean Brad Pitt is a wizard?" he breathed out in shock.

Harry nodded solemnly. "Yep. Edward Norton, too."

Lavender slouched further into her chair in the common room; arms crossed over her chest and a pout firmly planted on her face. "Why couldn't I have gone to school in America?"

Hermione snorted, giving Harry a challenging look over her book. "And just _how_ do you know they're wizards, Harry?"

He shrugged negligently. "Overheard a couple Death Eaters talking about how they should recruit them when I was captured once." He smirked, widening his eyes for dramatic effect. "Seems enrollment and initiation was at an all time low." Harry scratched his head thoughtfully. "Course that could have been because Fudge was still denying his return. But still." He shrugged it off. "They figured initiating ones so clever and pretty would raise interest in their cause."

"Pretty?" Ron asked sharply. His face twisted; voice coming out with false casualness. "You think blokes are pretty, Harry?"

Parvati, Hermione, Lavender, and Dennis gave Ron incredulous looks. "It's universally accepted that those two are hot," Parvati said simply.

Harry waved it off. "So, what do you think of my suggestion?"

Lavender wrinkled her nose. "Would we have to mess around with Lye? Because, honestly, as sexy as they were in pain… Well, I am not ready to mar my flesh like that."

He considered this. "Ok, no disfiguration." Lavender and Parvati looked imminently cheered. "But," he added sternly, "the rules still apply."

"Rules?" Ron questioned. "There are rules in this group?"

Hermione sniffed disdainfully at Ron, having still not quite forgiven him for his egregious distribution of points. "Of course there are rules, Ron. A successful grouping of individuals will fall apart without a basic code of honor to follow."

"Oh." Ron scratched his head. "Right."

Harry stood up. "In Fight Club, there are only eight simple rules to follow. Eight. Violation of these rules is not encouraged."

Ron nodded. "Only eight rules, I can do that."

Hermione got out a clean sheet of parchment and a quill, looking at Harry expectantly. "The First Rule of Fight Club – you do not talk about Fight Club." He nodded his head towards his two favorite partners in crime.

Seamus stood up; legs spread shoulder width apart and arms crossed angrily over his chest. "Second rule of Fight Club – You DO NOT talk about Fight Club."

Dean glowered at the room. "Third rule – If someone says 'stop,' goes limp, of taps out; the fight is over."

Dennis, surprisingly, stood up. "Fourth rule – Only two guys to a fight." He gave Harry an adoring look. "I saw the movie," he told Neville; seeing his look of shock.

Harry grinned. "Fifth rule – One fight at a time."

"Sixth rule – No shirts, no shoes."

"Seventh rule – Fights will go on as long as they have to."

"And the eighth and last rule of Fight Club," Harry eyed his cohorts seriously. "If this is your first night at Fight Club, you HAVE to fight." He looked around the room. "Any questions?"

Hermione raised her hand primly. "Are only Gryffindors going to be in Fight Club or are we going to invite other houses?"

Harry nodded at her. "Good question. Right now there are those in this room, Hannah Abbott from Hufflepuff, and Draco Malfoy. We'll start recruiting for more soon."

"Draco's in Fight Club?" Parvati breathed. Harry nodded. She grinned. "That is so hot."

Hermione looked vaguely insulted. "_Hannah_ was initiated into Fight Club before I was?"

"Yep," Seamus agreed dreamily. "The girl is bloodthirsty and enthusiastic." Dean smacked him upside the back of his head.

"Seamus invited her." Harry hugged her consolingly. "I wanted to invite you after you slapped Draco in third year."

"Really?" Hermione sniffed.

"Absolutely." Harry reassured. "It was impressive."

"Malfoy?" Ron yelled. "How could Malfoy be in Fight Club?"

Harry shrugged. "Who do you think helped me start it? People in this school have known about Fight Club for years." He paused, considering. "Mostly Slytherins." Dean and Seamus snickered. Hermione narrowed her eyes speculatively.

"That makes sense," Lavender agreed. 'They do like to fight more than any other house."

"Draco is the Brad Pitt to your Edward Norton?" Dennis looked ready to cry from the romance of it all. "But," he frowned; confused. "But you guys wear both shirts and shoes when you fight?"

"Only in the hallways," Harry answered quickly. "I promise you, when we… fight alone, we definitely don't wear shirts _or_ shoes. We had to remain true to the first rule of Fight Club at all costs." Dennis nodded, relieved. Seamus was suddenly overcome with a bout of coughing. Dean started whistling the tune to the YMCA. Harry kicked him.

"Not with your shoes on, Harry," Hermione reminded him disapprovingly, tapping her quill against the neatly written rule number six.

Monday morning found a very motley crew of students heading down to the Great Hall. Hannah Abbott beamed at the Gryffindors; her split lip cracking open and a small sliver of blood trailing down her chin. Seamus sat by her side; seemingly unconcerned about the barely healed laceration on his head. Terry Boot from Ravenclaw nodded at them; arm wrapped securely in a sling. Luna Lovegood licked her spoon from where she sat beside him; patting his arm in apology and gazing at the ceiling; completely oblivious to the cut on her forehead. Hermione was very smug as she plopped into her seat at breakfast and began filling her plate.

Ginny looked at Neville's swollen face, Dennis' light limp as he entered, Hermione's happy face, and the two obviously empty seats beside her. "Where's Harry and Ron?" she asked hesitantly.

"Ron's in the Hospital Wing," Parvati answered crisply.

"The Hospital Wing?" Ginny looked alarmed. "What happened?"

Parvati smiled innocently, rubbing her elbow absently. "He went limp and passed out."

"And Harry?" Ginny looked like she didn't really want to know.

Right then Harry and Draco appeared. Both were flushed, mouths swollen, a couple bruises blooming beautifully on their arms, and looked utterly disheveled. Ginny's eyes went wide as saucers. "Do you think they were…?"

Lavender reached over, fisted Ginny's hair in her hands, and yanked her head back. "Don't finish that thought," she whispered fiercely. Ginny froze, looking terrified. "They were studying," she continued flatly.

Parvati looked over Lavender's shoulder to where McGonagall was approaching the Gryffindor table. "Stick to the code," she murmured; immediately taking a bite of porridge. Lavender released Ginny and poured a cup of tea.

McGonagall eyed the kids warily. "What on _earth_ is going on here?"

"Nothing ma'am," Hermione sweetly replied. "We're just having breakfast."

Beady eyes lingered on the assorted injuries, the falsely innocent expressions, Ginny's white face, and Harry's dazed look as he slid into his place at the table. "Very well then," she said sternly, "carry on."

Harry winked at her. McGonagall nodded back once before turning on her heal and heading back towards the High Table and a suspicious looking old man. Neville's chin dropped. "You mean, McGonagall…"

Dennis kicked him under the table; nodding significantly at Ginny. "First rule, Nev. First rule." Neville shut his mouth and resumed eating breakfast.

Ginny looked like she was ready to cry. "Harry, where were you this morning?" she whispered.

"Recruiting, Gin. I was recruiting." He wrapped an arm around the trembling girls' shoulder and smiled kindly. "Hey, you have any plane for tonight…?"


	8. Number 364

364. Draco Malfoy is not a vampire, and I will not treat him as such.

HDHDHD

Harry entered the Great Hall quietly and headed straight to the Gryffindor table. Keeping his head bowed low, he silently placed a single piece of toast on his plate. And stared at it. Susan Bones, face blotchy from crying, walked away from the Hufflepuff table and patted Harry's arm soothingly. "Go on then Harry," she whispered encouragingly. "You must keep your strength up."

Hermione glanced from Susan to Harry in alarm. "What's going on? Harry?"

Susan sniffled, wiping away a few errant tears before smiling sadly at Hermione. "He's just… Harry is so selfless!" she wailed. "Sacrificing himself to help a fellow student…" Susan trailed off, quite overcome with emotions and unable to speak. Impulsively, she leaned down and gave Harry a fierce hug. "I'm going to talk to the rest of the house tonight," she whispered brokenly, "but with you doing such selfless actions like this… well, Harry, I'm going to ask them to make you an honorary Hufflepuff!" Nearly choking on her sobs, Susan turned and ran back to her table, where she immediately began whispering earnestly to her year mates.

Lavender looked unimpressed by the display. "Didn't we meet our quota of Hufflepuff friends when we started hanging out with Hannah?"

Hermione shrugged, looking oddly smug. "Least we know Harry's wasn't making out with any other _girls_." Parvati and Lavender glared at her. Hermione shrugged again, viciously pleased with the reaction. "So let him make friends from other houses." Harry picked up his toast, taking a small bite, before replacing it on his place and heaving a deep, melodramatic sigh.

Ron looked confused. "Harry? Why was Susan crying?"

Harry sighed again. "I ran into her while I was walking to breakfast," he quietly explained.

Ginny waited. "And?" she finally asked. "You ran into her like literally ran into her?"

"No," Harry sighed again. "We just talked."

"Ooh.," Dean said comprehendingly. "Did you end up telling her about _the thing_?" Harry nodded.

"What thing?" Dennis asked; looking at his hero worriedly.

Seamus sighed. "Really, Harry, I thought we agreed it was best not to talk about _the thing_ until after it was over and done with."

"What thing?" Neville asked, alarmed.

"You're right," Harry said out of the blue; squaring his shoulders and nodding resolutely to himself. "I agreed to do _the thing_, so I had best be getting on with it."

"What thing?" Ron echoed.

"That's the spirit, mate!" Dean toasted Harry with his goblet of pumpkin juice.

"We support you Harry," Seamus echoed, patting him on the back.

"What thing?" Parvati asked in exasperation.

Harry ignored them and stood up. He squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. "Right," he said firmly. "I'm off." He strode away from the Gryffindor table; a determined expression on his face. Susan and several of her friends burst into tears again as he passed the Hufflepuff table. Harry smiled at them but kept walking until he reached the Slytherin table. Ignoring the expressions of mistrust and curiosity, Harry walked forward and knelt in front of Draco Malfoy.

"Oh Merlin," Ron moaned. "I must be dreaming again." He dropped his head into his hands, lecturing himself sternly. "Ron, you are dreaming. Harry is not Malfoy's sex slave. This is a nightmare. Whatever happens here, will not really happen. You will wake up and remember nothing."

"Mutter quieter Ron," Ginny said impatiently, craning her neck to see what was happening. "I can't hear what Harry's saying." Ron whimpered and pressed his face to the table.

Draco stared at Harry for a minute. Slowly, he lifted his head and stared around the Great Hall; clinically noting they now held the attention of the vast majority of the students. He looked back at Harry, still kneeling at his feet. "Good morning, Potter," he said formally. "May I help you with something?"

Harry tiled his head to the side, exposing his neck. He spoke in a clear voice that instantly captured the attention of everyone pretending not to eavesdrop. "My neck is yours. Bite me."

Draco blinked. Susan wailed. Neville gasped. Pansy looked faintly disturbed. "Potter, what are you on about?"

Susan stood up and rushed to Harry's side, slinging an arm around both Harry and Draco. "It's ok, Draco," she soothed. "You don't need to be afraid anymore."

He eyed the weeping girl suspiciously. "I don't?"

"No." She gave her table a meaningful look. They instantly began calling out their agreement. "Harry explained the whole thing," she said confidently.

Draco narrowed his eyes at the form still kneeling at his feet. "Did he?"

"Yes," she stated firmly. "Just because you're a vampire is no reason to be ashamed." Several people gasped at this announcement. Hermione, having finally caught on, slapped a hand over her mouth to muffle her giggle.

"I'm not a vampire!" Draco protested in shock.

"This makes so much sense," Daphne regarded Draco with narrowed eyes. "You never let anyone in the bathroom with you while you primp. Perhaps because you don't want anyone to see your lack of reflection?"

Draco blushed. "I have well established grooming habits. That does not make me a vampire."

"And you're always so angry in Care of Magical Creatures," Bradley, the Ravenclaw chaser, noted. "Is it because you're afraid the other creatures will become violent once they recognize you as a dark creature?"

"I am not a creature! I am a pureblood!"

Pansy gasped. "You were the _only one_ who was attacked by that sweet Hippogriff back in third year."

Marietta Edgecombe nodded importantly to her friends. "My aunt works at the ministry. They're _always_ hush hush when a Malfoy is mentioned. I wonder if Lucius Malfoy is a vampire too?" She looked at Draco curiously.

"My father is a very important man. People fear him, as they rightly should. He is not a vampire, just like _I_ am not a vampire!"

Susan waived her hand dismissively. "Draco, it's ok! Like I said, Harry explained everything; including how he volunteered to be your blood donor."

He looked down into laughing green eyes, though Harry's face remained impassive. "My neck is yours. Bite me." He repeated.

Draco eyed the other students. Some were looking at him with fear; which was acceptable. Others were looking at him with pity; which was not. Still others were looking at him like he was the charity project of the month. He stood up abruptly. "Thank you for your support." He inclined his head regally. "However, I prefer to do my biting in private."

"Oh, of course!" Susan reached down and helped Harry to his feet. "Harry, we'll get a snack for you to eat during your next class so you can keep your blood sugar stabilized." She pushed Harry and Draco towards the door. "You two go on. It's terribly cruel to make Draco wait for his breakfast." She stopped suddenly, clapping her hands as an idea occurred to her. "I can organize a blood drive! That way in case Harry ever can't feed you, you'll have other options!"

Wayne Hopkins waved his hand eagerly in the air. "I'll help!" Susan beamed at her fellow Hufflepuff.

Blaise stared at the door the boys had just disappeared through. "Son of a bitch," he muttered; half admiring, half disgusted. "In ten minutes he managed to convince the school that Draco was a vampire."

"You mean he isn't?" Crabbe looked confused. Blaise groaned.

"So Malfoy's a vampire," Neville mused. "This makes so much sense." Hermione gave him an incredulous look. "What?" Neville asked defensively. "I'm incredibly sensitive to magic. I _knew_ there had to be a reason Malfoy scared me from the minute I met him." Dean snorted.

"Well, I for one am relieved Malfoy's a vampire." Much happier, Ron began loading up his breakfast plate.

Lavender arched her eyebrow in a creepy imitation of Hermione. "Why's that?"

"Well, Harry's shown up with red marks on his neck for awhile now." Ron shrugged. "I thought he kept getting hurt. But it was just Malfoy biting him all along."

Seamus watched Ron did into his breakfast with gusto. "Are you really this dense?" Ron frowned at him, confused.

Ginny laughed, thrilled to be back in the know. "Yes, yes he is."


	9. Number 6

6. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.

HDHDHD

Harry slid into a vacant seat at one of the tables in the Gryffindor common room. "Hey Dennis, hey Colin."

"Hi Harry!" the Creevey brothers chorused.

"You busy?" he eyed the stack of homework the boys were theoretically working their way through.

"Nope," Dennis answered, closing his book. "Just making pamphlets to recruit for FC, and helping Col with his Herbology homework."

"What's FC?"

Harry ignored Colin. "Excellent. Hey, both your parents are Muggles, right?"

Dennis snorted. "My parents are the poster children for Muggles world wide. Dad's a Milk Man, Mum's a teacher."

"Bril! So… you two have watched quite a few movies in your day right?"

Colin brightened. "Oh I love going to the cinema! I've watched loads of movies! "

Harry grinned. "Perfect." He reached into his bag and withdrew several a sheaf of parchment, a "QPDIITA" engraved quill, and an ink bottle. "You wouldn't mind letting me pick your brain for a bit, would you?"

"Course not Harry!"

Two hours later Harry slid into an empty seat at one of the tables in the library. "Hey Blaise, hey Pansy, hey Draco, hey Daphne. Where's the thugs?"

Draco didn't look up from his Potions assignment. "They're allergic to the air in the library. I suspect they're raiding the kitchen."

Harry nodded absently. "Good, good. Hey, I don't suppose you know any rituals that could get me expelled, do you?"

The Slytherins froze, slowly turning their heads until they were looking Harry directly in the eye. "Excuse me?" Daphne asked icily.

Pansy eyed Harry with renewed interest. "You know, Potter, I find this new edgier side of you extremely attractive." Draco glared, dropped his book onto the table, and wrapped a possessive arm around his Gryffindor.

Harry laughed, leaning into Draco's side without comment. "Thanks Pansy. I'm not planning on doing any of the spells, I just need ideas."

Blaise tilted his head curiously. "Why not simply go to Dumbledore?"

He shrugged. "We're not exactly on the best of terms since he allowed me to go off half cocked and get my Godfather killed."

Daphne studied Harry intently. "And why, Potter, would you think we would know any of these spells?"

Harry laughed, reaching into his bag. Once again he withdrew a sheaf of parchment, his engraved quill, and an ink bottle. "Let's just say I know your parents." He grinned. "Though it would undoubtedly be best to go straight to the source, I would like to graduate alive. So, therefore I need your help."

Four hours later Harry wandered into the Hufflepuff common room. Susan hugged him; excitedly telling him about the progress she and Warren had made in their quest for a blood drive. She also reassured him that the fresh bite mark on his neck was _hardly_ noticeable at all, and then pointed out the way to Justin Finch – Fletchley's room. Harry wandered in, waving at a startled Ernie Macmillan before plopping down besides Justin on his bed. "Hey Justin!"

"Err…" Justin looked thourally out of his element.

"Good, good," Harry waved him off absently. "Remember back in second year? The whole 'Heir of Slytherin' thing? Those were good times." He smiled coldly. "I feel like we really connected there. So, I need your help. Can you tell me about some of your favorite Muggle fantasy or horror books you've read?" Without waiting for an invitation, Harry reached over to Justin's bedside table and helped himself to some parchment and ink.

Justin blinked rapidly, swallowing convulsively. "Umm… hey, Harry. Yeah, umm… we, err, definitely connected."

Ernie interrupted, wandering over and perching on the edge of Justin's bed. "Why don't you simply ask Hermione?"

"Hmm? Oh," Harry shrugged, settling himself more comfortably. "She mainly likes to read books that expand her knowledge. Fiction is a genre that doesn't hold much appeal for her." He frowned, absently rubbing his scar as he thought about what he just said. "Although I wonder if that's changed since she learned she was a witch. You can't get more fantastical than that."

The two Hufflepuffs exchanged startled looks. "err… all right, Harry. Umm, well, I really liked this one book…"

Harry was yawning in the Gryffindor common room as he finally perfected his letter. He patted his parchment, well pleased with his effort. According to his calculations, there were roughly three hundred and twelve Muggle born students attending Hogwarts. He looked at his watch and groaned. It was going to take forever to finish this!

"Harry?" He turned, too tired to jump, and smiled at the figure hesitating in the entrance to the dorm rooms.

"Hey Gin. Couldn't sleep?"

The red head shook her head. "No," she smiled. "I'm a night owl. I'll be up for another two hours or so before I'm ready for bed." She watched Harry yawn and run his hand tiredly through his hair. "Why are you still awake? You usually pass out about two hours ago."

Harry smirked. "Oh, I was just working on a project of sorts." He sighed; looking down at the parchment in his lap. "I already applied the handwriting charm, now all I have to do is make duplications."

Ginny smiled, easing herself down on the couch next to Harry. "I'm pretty good at Duplication Charms. How many copies do you need?"

"312,"

She blinked. "Oh." Ginny bit her lip, watching Harry yawn again. Impulsively she reached out and plucked the parchment from his hands. "You go to bed, I'll make copies until I need to go to sleep, and we can finish up the remainder tomorrow." Harry hesitated. Ginny sighed. "Harry, you're like family. I will do anything in my power to help family." She made a shooing gesture with her hands. "Go on!"

Harry gave her a grateful smile, leaning forward to kiss her cheek. "Thanks Gin-Gin. Just give the completed letters to Hedwig, she knows what to do." Ginny nodded, already readying a fresh sheet of parchment for duplication. Harry raked his hand through his hair again, looking oddly embarrassed. "Err… and Ginny? The same rule number 1 that applies to FC, applies to this as well."

Ginny nodded, bemused. "Of course, Harry. You can trust me." Harry grinned, kissed her cheek again, and gratefully slouched up the stairs. Ginny shook her head, amused at his antics, and began copying the text over and over. A flash of a word caught her eye, and, curious, she leaned in to scan the parchment.

_Dear Sir or Madam:_

_Another year has arrived, and with it, another exciting opportunity for our young learners! So, once again, I find myself writing you all to inform you the many new experiences your progeny will become intimately acquainted with. Some of these methods are both revolutionary and exciting; while maintaining the old, and preferred, standards of witches and wizards._

…_..__As for the initiation of new members, some of the details are as disgusting as they are well known and beloved… The novice himself, deceived by the coating of dough (covering a sacrificial infant), thinks the stabs are harmless. Then, it's delightfully horrible! They hungrily drink the blood and compete with one another as they divide his limbs… And the fact they all share knowledge of the crime pledges them all to silence. On the feast-day alumni foregather with all their children, sisters, mothers, people of either sex and all ages… Now, in the dark, so favorable to shameless behavior, they twine the bonds of unnamable passion, as chance decides… _

…_the bonds created here are deep and everlasting! Sometimes…__ a small child is sealed inside the cavity of a disemboweled animal and "rebirthed" by her cultic captors during a ceremony…. Or, a young girl is thrown into an electrified cage with wolves and ritually tortured to deliberately produce a "wolf personality," werewolves being a somewhat common infliction here… Common features of satanic ceremony folklore such as the black mass, human sacrifice, drinking of blood, and satanic symbols are common, although, never fear, students typically cannot reproduce the intricacies of occult ritual beyond what is commonly available in general bookstores or what they have heard from other victims or therapists. So no need to worry they will share these delightful traditions with friends and loved ones!_

… _there are, alas, a few minor effects that linger…__new research indicates that __perhaps only 10 of the recovered memories of Multiple Personality Disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder) have any basis in reality, and that the latter are distorted recollections of Christian exorcism rituals, KKK activities, or rituals by isolated Satanic groups… _

… _unrelated problem such as a sleep or eating disorder, depression, or marital difficulties... Paranoid belief systems are characterized by the gradual development of intricate, complex, and elaborate systems of thinking based on and often proceeding logically from misinterpretation of actual events. It typically involves hypervigilance over the perceived threat, the belief that danger is around every corner, and the willingness to take up the challenge and do something about it… Another very important aspect of this paranoia is the belief that those who do not recognize the threat are evil and corrupt… In this extreme view, you are either with them or against them… You are either part of the solution or part of the problem._

_Thank you for being part of the solution by allowing your son or daughter to attend this esteemed institution! As always, I am easily reached by owl should you have any questions._

_Best regards!_

_Albus Damian Lucifer Memnoch Bob Dumbledore_

Ginny's eyes were huge by the time she finished reading, her breath coming in shallow pants. She turned, slowly, and gazed at the stairwell Harry had disappeared around, before turning back to the parchment she had been diligently duplicating for the past hour and ten minutes. It was estimable she had nearly two hundred copies already made. Still… well, Harry did say that the first rule of Fight Club… you do not speak about Fight Club… applied to this parchment as well. So… Ginny gulped. She _had_ volunteered to help him.

Deliberately not thinking about what she was doing, praying it was merely Harry's idea of a joke, she kept copying until all three hundred and twelve copies were made. She tied the bundle to Hedwig's leg with a shaking hand and scurried off to bed. If all else failed, she mused, at least Hermione was better at Obliviation spells than Lockhart.


	10. 1, 2, Skip a few, 83, 100

83. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

100. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

HDHDHD

Natalie MacDonald hesitated in the door of the dormitory, watching Harry Potter as he lay on his back on his bed, gazing intently at the canopy above him. Being two years younger than Harry, she really did not get the opportunity to interact with him outside of after Quidditch success parties. That was why she had been even more surprised than usual when Harry had approached her a couple days ago with a pile of money and a wicked smile; asking the young girl to do him a personal favor.

"Don't hover, Natalie." She jumped, not expecting him to be aware of the fact she was standing there at all. Harry patted the mattress beside him. "Come in for a bit."

Natalie walked across the room on shaky legs. True, she knew Harry wasn't asking her to come to bed with him like _that_, but Natalie was brutally shy and had never been inside any of the boys' bedrooms before. "Hi Harry," she whispered; perching on the very edge of the mattress. She desperately tried to remember the manners her mother had drilled into her as a little girl. "You have a lovely room," she continued primly.

Harry turned his head and stared at her in surprise for a second before reaching for her hand and tugging her down to lay beside him. On the bed. Natalie blushed to the tips of her hair. "Look at the canopy," Harry instructed, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

He was just so _solid_ and so completely _warm_, Natalie thought hazily. Obediently she directed her attention to the canopy above their heads. "Oh!" she exclaimed in startled delight, watching the miniature fireworks exploding one after the other in a riot of colors. She quite forgot to be nervous and shy and settled in to enjoy the sight. "How lovely! Where did you learn this spell?"

"Seamus taught me." Harry frowned briefly. "His idea of a joke at a rather inconvenient time." Natalie turned her head and gazed at him curiously. Harry shrugged. "Silencing charm slipped," he said simply He patted her hand. "So, were you able to get it?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes. My brother sent it just this morning." Natalie gave the canopy one last pleased look before sitting up and shifting around to give Harry the wrapped parcel that had led her to Harry's room in the first place. "Why didn't you just order one yourself if it has always been a dream of yours to own one?"

Harry shrugged dismissively, tearing into the package with a satisfied smile. "Oh, a little joke that was slightly too effective. Even after I drank Veritaserum –laced tea and told them that I was not the one to mail off those letters." He smirked, clearly amused about something. "Let's just say that for the time being I, and any mail I may send or receive, is being watched like a hawk." He smiled at the timid Gryffindor, bopping her on the nose with his index finger. "So, Natters, explain to me how this works."

Ten minutes later an overjoyed Natalie rushed into her own room and yelled for her year mate. "Look what Harry taught me!" She pulled out her wand, clearly stated the incantation Harry had told her, and flicked her wrist to the right. Immediately, the ceiling was covered with brilliantly hued fireworks going off one right after the other. "Quid Pro Quo," she bubbled happily. "I did a favor for Harry, so he did a favor for me!" She climbed onto her bed, watching the fireworks happily and completely ignoring the gob-smacked expressions of her roommates. Harry had warned her they would probably be a bit jealous.

Peeves eyed the student in front of him warily. "Why should I trust you?"

Harry sighed. "Look, you trust Fred and George Weasley right?" Peeves brightened, nodding rather enthusiastically. "Well, I'm their partner. Which means they challenged me with keeping their memory alive until I graduate and pass that challenge onto someone else," Harry explained patiently.

The poltergeist considered this before reaching out and taking the oddly shaped item from Harry. "OK. How do I work this again?"

The Gryffindor grinned. "Basically, it's like a small, portable, water balloon." He moved his hand over the item, pointing as he repeated Natalie's directions. "The gun is cocked in some way so that a paintball can fall out of the hopper and enter the gun's barrel. Then a small burst of compressed gas is released into the barrel, just behind the paintball." Harry grinned. "This one is considered an in-play machine, so the speed has been regulated to only 300 feet per second." He winked at Peeves. "That means you can hit people with it and not leave lasting damage."

"And these?"

"Are the actual paintballs. I got you several different colors, because I recognize the fact you are a creative individual."

Peeves grinned, loading the machine with a variety of the different paintballs. "And I am the only one who has one of these?"

Harry shrugged. "That I know of; although I can't be one hundred percent certain. However," he grinned wickedly, "if all goes well tomorrow, I promise to buy some for my friends and over holiday break we'll all have a paintball war."

Harry was enjoying breakfast with his peers the next morning when Luna Lovegood dropped into the seat next to him. "Hey Luna," he greeted absently, already turning back to finish his conversation with Ron. He stopped dead, eyes widening, and slowly turned his head back to the Ravenclaw.

"Good morning, Harry." Luna seemed largely unperturbed by the stares she was receiving and hummed to herself as she dumped salsa and cheese over a large pile of eggs.

"Luna," Hermione started in an odd tone of voice. "Your hair looks… lovely… this morning. A new style, perhaps?"

Large blue eyes blinked slowly as Luna stole Harry's tea, added a dash of soy sauce, and took a sip. "Target practice," she said simply.

Ginny looked between Luna's vague expression and Harry's shaking shoulders and red face. "Does this also fall under rule number one?"

"Something like that," Harry managed to choke out, stealing Hermione's pumpkin juice rather than fighting Luna for his tea.

"I like it," Lavender decided. "That green is a really good combination with your complexion."

"Target practice?"

Luna turned to Neville in surprise. "Of course target practice." She sounded truly surprised that Neville was questioning the validity of that statement. "One cannot simply pick up a gun and expect to hit the target on the first try."

"But how did you get it?" Colin looked insanely jealous; having recognized the pattern of the paint splotches in Luna's hair.

"I thought guns were bad?" Ron looked confused again.

"Oh they are," Harry agreed quickly enough. "This is a different kind of gun."

Parvati gazed at Hermione suspiciously. "I'm surprised you aren't throwing a hissy fit over this."

Harry beamed, draping his arm around his best friend and kissing her temple. "Oh, it was her idea."

"What?" Parvati gasped. "But, but, she's… she's, she's a Prefect!"

Hermione sniffed. "Dumbledore had absolutely no right to drug Harry without his knowledge or consent."

"Erm, Mione? I kind of suspected he would try."

She ignored him. "Furthermore, after completing his illegal drugging of a student, he has absolutely no jurisdiction to place said student under house arrest for a crime he successfully claimed not to have committed." She frowned at Harry. "Even if he rightfully figured said student did the accused deed."

Seamus blinked. "You're Harry's latest partner in crime?"

Ginny snorted. "She was probably hoping for another kiss for suggesting something so duplicitous."

Ron looked around the table. "Am I the only one who has no idea what is going on?"

Lavender shrugged, looking bored. "How is that different from any other morning?"

McGonagall tapped Harry on the shoulder. "Mr. Potter, the ministry representatives will be arriving within the hour. You are to accompany me to the Hospital Wing, where you will remain in a secluded room until they leave."

"May we all come to?" Hermione quickly asked. "You know, so Harry doesn't get bored or depressed while in forced captivity?"

"Forced captivity?" Seamus snorted. "Good lord girl, do you spend time in advance thinking of different things to say?"

"Why on earth would you want to spend three hours locked up in the Hospital Wing with me?" Harry looked genuinely perplexed.

Taking a sip from her repossessed juice, Hermione simply arched an eyebrow. "Iron clad alibi."

McGonagall's lips twitched, but she voiced no protest as the group of Gryffindor's hastily stood and followed her out of the room.

"Tell me again why you want to terrorize the school?" Ginny asked absently as she played a dirty game of Exploding Snap with Harry and Luna.

Harry shrugged. "Quirrell and Moody tried to kill me, Umbridge wouldn't have cared if she _had _killed me, and Lockhart tried to obliviate me. We learn History of magic from a ghost who doesn't notice when someone decides to play 'sex slave and master' in class." The deck exploded. He grinned at Luna as he helped put out her hair. "And that's not to mention the fact that Trelawney and Snape tell me they yearn for my death on a near daily basis."

Hermione nodded from across the room. "Clearly some education reform is needed. The future batches of witches and wizards have a right to a quality learning environment, not just an educational standard decided upon by a man who hasn't added any new books to the library in _three _years. History, if taught properly, would have shown Dumbledore that repressing the masses only leads to discontent and underground reform movements."

Seamus gazed up at the girl in lust. "I like you as a political anarchist, Mione." She smiled primly before going back to her book.

Peeves dashed through the wall, cackling gleefully. "Harry! I'm out of orange and purple!"

"Slytherin common room, on the floor next to the black leather couch," Harry replied without looking up, busy setting up a new game. Peeves saluted him sloppily before soaring back through the wall. Harry looked up at last, slightly startled to see everyone gazing at him. "What?" he asked defensively.

Parvati smiled wickedly. "Slytherin common room? Next to the _black leather_ couch?" She wiggled her eyebrows. "Just how many fetishes do you have, Harry?"

Ron looked in confusion between Harry's blush and the sudden outcrop of leers of the faces around him. "What? Harry's known about the black leather couches in the Slytherin dorm since he was twelve."

Seamus smiled innocently. "Really? I only discover his knowledge when I was fourteen." Dean choked on his juice, spraying it across the table onto Lavender; much to the girl's disgust.

"No," Ron replied slowly. "We were twelve. We went there to spy on Malfoy."

Dean slapped Harry on the back. "You started your illustrious career as a stalker even earlier than I though."

"It's not his fault," Ron defended. "Slytherins fight dirty. Everyone knows that. Harry had to fight dirty with Malfoy to get the information he needed." He frowned as everyone laughed all the harder. "It was Hermione's idea."

Seamus dropped to his knees in front of Hermione. "A budding anarchist and a perv at an early age? Hermione will you marry me?"

Hermione waved dismissively. "Maybe later. I'm busy this weekend."

Ginny wiped away tears as she giggled inanely. "Holy Merlin, Ron. We have _got_ to get you laid."

Lavender snorted. "Maybe just a how to book on puberty and adolescence."

Parvati chortled. "He wouldn't read it."

Dean looked interested. "I could draw some pictures."

Luna smiled vaguely. "I'm sure Harry and Draco would pose for you."

"I know about puberty!" Ron ran his hand through his hair, flustered and defensive. "And how did we get on this topic anyway? We were simply talking about Harry and the leather couches in the Slytherin common room!"

Harry sighed, patting his friend on the arm. "Someday, Ron. Someday."


	11. Number 126

Number 126: I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Slytherin day.

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"How?" Ginny lay flat on her back on the floor in front of the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room. "How the hell were we not questioned over this mess?"

Hermione snorted, furiously scribbling on a bit of parchment in front of her. "We were locked up in the Hospital Wing when the madness was going on. There was no way they could pin it on us."

Ron continued smiling goofily at the wall as he remembered their trek from the Hospital Wing to the tower. "Filch crying; purple and red Mrs. Norris; drawings on the walls; teachers covered in paint." He giggled quietly to himself.

"Besides," Harry added, smirking. "They checked the entire house for evidence before releasing us and found nothing."

Lavender sat straight up in her chair. "What? They did what?"

Harry nodded. "They tripped the sensors I had around our room. Ten bucks they checked the girls' room too."

"They searched our rooms?" Hermione demanded. Harry nodded again. Her eyes narrowed as she resumed her furious scribbling. "Violation of our civil liberties…" Seamus sighed happily.

"So what now?" Parvati asked finally.

Harry stood up and stretched. "Well, I'm off to the Hufflepuffs to spread the word." He turned to Luna. "You'll do the same with the Ravenclaws, yeah?" Luna nodded dreamily, running her fingers through her still painted hair.

Ginny propped herself up on her elbows. "What are we getting ready for?"

He grinned at her casual usage of the plural pronoun. "Tomorrow is the start of the first ever 'Hug A Slytherin' day."

Ron snapped out of his musings to gape at Harry. "The first what?"

"The first 'Hug A Slytherin' Day," he calmly repeated.

Lavender burst out laughing. "Draco's reward for covering our asses?" Harry smirked.

It was hard pressed to accurately describe the look on Draco's face when Harry sauntered into breakfast the next day, walked straight up to the sexy Slytherin, and plopped himself down in Draco's lap before wrapping his arms around the blonds neck and squeezing. Draco froze; wondering belatedly why half the hall seemed to be smiling at them almost affectionately. "Uh, Potter?" Harry seemed disinclined to answer, however, and simply snuggled his face closer to Draco's neck. After a few minutes Draco shrugged, wrapped one arm around Harry's waist, and resumed his conversation with Blaise as though having a Gryffindor fling themselves upon his person was a routine occurrence.

Luna Lovegood caused quite a jam in the fourth floor corridor by grabbing Gregory Goyle and pulling him into a fierce kiss. "Hug, Luna," Ginny reminded her gently, disengaging the blonde from the startled Slytherin and pulling her down the hall. "Today is _hug _a Slytherin day, not snog one."

The blonde waved her hands vaguely. "Details."

Dean approached Theodore Nott in the Library. "Oi, Ted!" The twitchy Slytherin looked up cautiously; slightly frightened by the level of attention his housemates were receiving today. Dean wrapped his arms around the thin shoulders and solemnly quoted; "_All the little pieces falling, shatter. Shards of me, too sharp to put back together. Too small to matter, but big enough to cut me into so many little pieces._" He winked at the slightly confused boy. "I know tons of depressing lyrics. Anytime you wanna hang out and contemplate the size of the world, just let me know." He thumped Theodore on the back and flashed the peace sign before turning to walk away. "Don't let the snakes eat you in your sleep, man!"

Several brightly colored hexes followed a group of terrified third years as they raced screaming down the hall. Ron and Hermione stopped walking and stared as they shot past like they had seen the Grim himself. Neville was walking down the hall after them, laughing so hard he was crying. "What on earth happened?" Hermione looked torn between docking points for running in the halls or stopping to have a bit of a gossip.

"They," Neville's breath hitched, tears sliding unchecked down his cheeks. "They hugged Snape!" Still howling, he continued off down the halls.

Hermione's chin squared. She whipped her parchment out of her bag. "Throwing curses unchecked, with the possibility of severely hurting or maiming an unspecified amount of innocent bystanders…"

Ron managed to suck up his courage to hug a Slytherin when he saw Pansy and Daphne skulking through the halls to class. Taking a deep breath, he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Daphne. "Happy hug a Slytherin day!"

Unfortunately, for Ron, Slytherins were not used to physical contact with, to them, inferior beings. Slytherin house as a whole was on high alert to remain safe from whatever sickness had invaded their peers; inducing the need for physical contact. Also, unfortunately, for Ron, Harry rather liked Daphne's attitude and had inducted her into Fight Club almost two weeks ago. When Daphne felt the arms slide around her from behind, she shrieked, bent her knees, and used her position to grab Ron's arm and flip him over her shoulder. Ron hit the ground hard.

Pansy, seeing a large mass of quivering red come flying from in between her and her friend, promptly whipped out her wand and fired off a quick succession of curses before dropping into a defensive pose. Daphne raised her arms in an intimidating manner, like a Muggle boxer, and yelled out "Ai-Ah!"

Hermione sighed, approaching the scene and removing the hexes from Ron. "Honestly ladies, you'd already flipped him onto the floor. Did you really need the hexes?"

Daphne glowered. "Stupid Gryffindor. He was a _threat_. You do not stake your life on the fact that a temporary loss of breath _may _or _may not _incapacitate your opponent."

"Seriously, Weasel," Pansy added. "Don't sneak up on people." That said, the two girls flounced off.

Ron whimpered as Hermione hauled him to his feet. "I just wanted to hug them."

"I know Ronald," she soothed, patting his arm in a calming manner. "I know. Just… it's best to approach a Slytherin from the front."

Ron went pale. "I have to hug _another_ Slytherin?"

Hermione laughed. "No, no. You reached your quota."

He heaved a very deep sigh of relief. "Someone should tell Harry you only need to hug a Slytherin once."

"What do you mean?"

Ron gestured over her shoulder. Hermione turned and saw Draco and Harry pressed together in an alcove across the hall. Harry had his arms wrapped tightly around Draco, who, in turn, seemed to be doing his best to shove Harry into the wall. Ron shook his head. "Vicious creatures, those Slytherins."

As if on cue, Draco slid his fingers through Harry's hair and pulled the brunette's head back before latching his mouth onto Harry's pulse point. Harry moaned.

"Oh, never mind," Ron said dismissively, turning to walk away. "Malfoy just needed to bite Harry's neck again." Hermione just shook her head and followed the red head down the hall.


	12. Number 23

Yes, yes, I know you want the one where Harry goes skipping off to Dumbedore while singing. But, damn it, if he's going then he's going to have thourally earned it. Not next chap but the chap after ;) Once you see the one I chose for next chap... well, not one H/D shipper will hate me :)

LOVE the reviews! Thanks so much!

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Number 23: I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination Class.

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Harry hummed to himself as he left the shower stall, wrapped a towel around his waist, and moved over to the sink to start brushing his teeth. 'Hug A Slytherin' day had been a rousing success, in his opinion, but Dumbledore _still_ wasn't taking him seriously, or treating him differently, or doing anything more that looking at him with his twinkling blue eyes! Harry sighed, lathering his face up with shaving cream; how was he supposed to be the one to off Voldemort if Dumbledore didn't _teach _him anything!

Hermione wandered into the bathroom carrying two steaming cups of coffee. She set one of them next to him before shifting to sit on the counter and watch him shave. Harry smiled at her before realizing the she did not belong in his bathroom. "Errr… morning?"

"I need a distraction tomorrow."

He blinked. "You need a distraction tomorrow?"

"Yes."

"And you want me to provide one for you?"

"Well, you do seem to be better at it that almost anyone I know."

Harry considered this as he patted his face dry and moved to his pile of clothing. "What kind of a distraction?"

"One big enough that will have Dumbledore too distracted to notice I skipped all my classes."

He stopped buttoning up his shirt and stared at her. Hermione calmly sipped her coffee and swung her feet a little. "_You're _skipping class?"

She shrugged. "That's the plan."

"Why?"

Hermione gave him an exasperated look. "Harry. You don't honestly think plans for educational reform happen overnight, do you? I need to finish up my list of complaints, write out my short and long term goals, and get _organized_."

Harry finished buckling his belt and picked up his socks; thinking about his plans for today. "No matter what you do, Dumbledore is highly unlikely to fire Trelawney."

"Oh no," Hermione smirked. "Trelawney is just the tip of the ice berg."

Seamus and Ron stumbled blearily into the bathroom just then. Seamus grunted out a good morning and stripped without a second though before entering the shower. Ron froze, staring between Harry pensively tying his trainers to where Hermione was idly swinging her feet on the counter. "Harry, you're not still taking that potion are you?" He sounded alarmed.

"Course not Ron," he answered absently. He turned to Hermione. "OK, I'll do it."

Ron's eyes widened. "Do what?"

Hermione beamed, jumping off the counter and moving over to kiss Harry on the cheek. "Thanks, Harry. I appreciate it."

"Do what?"

Harry shrugged. "No problem. Just let me know if you need any other help."

Ron held up his hands pleadingly. "_Help?_ Any other _help_?" He looked around the bathroom; noticing Harry's discarded towel and damp hair, and the way the humidity had made Hermione's hair even curlier than usual. He scowled. "Just what kind of help are you giving her?"

Hermione laughed as she exited the bathroom. "Honestly, Ronald. You _know_ Draco's the only one to bite Harry's neck."

Professor Trelawney walked around the Divination room slowly. "You must open your inner eye and _search_ for the answers you seek. Look into," she gestured grandly, "the beyond. Feel yourself becoming one with your environment." Lavender and Parvati nodded seriously and immediately bent over their crystal ball whispering furiously. Pansy ignored her and continued filing her nails. Draco didn't look away from observing the strained atmosphere between Harry and Ron.

Neville glared at the crystal ball on his table. "I think my environment's rejecting me."

Dean snickered. "My inner eye needs glasses."

Harry was leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed, ignoring Ron's glare from across the table. "Put the ball in your pocket, Ron."

The red head blinked, distracted. "What?"

"Put it in your pocket."

Looking confused, he did as asked. Trelawney circled around to their table and blinked at them creepily. "My dears, where did your instrument of enlightenment go?"

Harry heaved a deep, melodramatic sigh. "I knew today was going to be a bad day," he sniffed; gazing at his table top mournfully.

Trelawney seized upon this unexpected drama. "My dear, have you seen The Grim again?"

"No," Harry shook his head, his eyes wide, guileless, and slightly damp. "No, this is worse." Slowly, he reached into his pocket and removed a pure black 'crystal' ball, with an odd triangular piece missing from the top.

Dean and Seamus took one look and started laughing. "Now _that_ brings back memories of primary school."

Parvati scoffed. "If you used a crystal ball as a child, then why are you a complete dunce at it now?"

The professor gasped, hands flying to her face to cover her mouth. "The ball turned black!" she whispered, horrified. Ron patted his pocket to make sure the ball he had removed from the table was still there.

Harry looked across the room and winked at Draco. "Yes," he said. "The ball turned black. And," he paused, running his hand through his hair nervously. "And it answers me."

Lavender and Trelawney gasped in unison. "It answers you?"

He turned the ball so the triangular piece was pointed down, and shook the ball lightly. "Magic eight… err, magic crystal ball," he intoned. "Will I die a horrible, drawn out, painful death?" With a flourish he turned the ball around. "I can't look," he whispered, thrusting the ball under his teachers' nose. "What does it say?"

Trelawney clapped her hands in delight. "It says… definitely!" Parvati and Lavender slapped their hands over their mouth in horror.

Draco's eyes narrowed. "Will I be the one to kill him?" he drawled.

Harry grinned, shook the ball again, and flipped it right side up. Trelawney leaned forward eagerly. "Maybe," she breathed out.

Ron turned and glared at the blond, wagging his finger sharply. "You better be careful when you bite his neck, Malfoy." He scowled. "You kill Harry and I'll find a way to kill you."

Draco smirked. "Oh, but it's so satisfying to bite Harry," he purred out. He caught Harry's eye and licked his lips. Harry shivered.

"It's all right Harry." Ron reached across the table and patted Harry's arm, still glaring at Malfoy. "I won't let him kill you."

"Ask it something else," Trelawney looked like she wanted to skip in excitement.

Seamus snorted. "Will the amount of sherry Professor Trelawney drinks erode her brain?"

Harry shifted slightly in his seat, tearing his eyes away from Draco, and obligingly shook the ball. He snickered. "Definitely."

Neville snorted. "Will Ron ever get a clue?"

A snort. "Yes."

"Too bad we can't ask for a set time frame of when," Neville sighed.

Ron snatched the ball. "Will I make head boy?" he asked hopefully. He sighed, tossing the ball on the table in disgust. "My sources say no."

Pansy picked up the ball and shook it. "Is Friday a good night for a party?" She looked at the ball in confusion. "Ask again later? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Daphne snorted. "It means don't ask about parties in front of a professor." She eyed the trembling teacher. "Daft as they may be."

Harry reached for the ball and shook it again. "Will the world end if I don't do my community involvement today?" He shook the ball and froze; looking up at Trelawney with wide green eyes. "Definitely."

The professor slapped both her hands over her mouth. "My dear," she whispered, looking out her window fearfully, as though searching for the four horsemen of the apocalypse. "Oh my dear boy, what is your community involvement?"

"I read to sick kids at Saint Mungo's," Harry promptly replied. Seamus snorted. "Sick blind kids," Harry quickly amended.

"Then you should go!" Trelawney reached down and grabbed Harry's arm, hauling him towards her fireplace, still looking fearfully out her window. "You should go right now!"

Harry tossed the ball to Ron. The red head whispered something, shook the ball, and then read the results. He sighed glumly. "You should take Malfoy with you, Harry. The ball says you won't be back before he needs to feed again."

Draco stood up gracefully. "Well, let's go then. Those sick blind children won't read to themselves." He casually straightened his robe. "Although we should floo to the manor first and get… supplies."

"What? Why?" Harry balked, looking at the floo nervously. "Your parents…"

"Are in Bermuda," Draco calmly finished. "They won't… distract us from your… community involvement."

Harry brightened. "Right. Let's go." He stopped, reaching over and grabbing the ball from Ron. "Will the world still end if Dumbledore or any other teacher discovers that Draco and I have left the school?" He flipped the ball. "Definitely."

Trelawney frowned uncomfortably. "I don't see what…"

Blaise sighed, crossing the room and taking the ball from Harry. He glared at Draco. "The things I do for my friends." He shook the ball, thickening his Italian accent for effect. "Will Voldemort attack the school if the teachers learn that Harry and Draco have left the premises?" he flipped the ball. "My sources say yes."

"Its sources?" Trelawney looked nearly aquiver with happiness. "Well, if the spirit world does not want others to know Harry and Draco are no longer amongst us, who are we to deny them?"

"Excellent," Draco said crisply, dragging Harry towards the fireplace.

Seamus watched them disappear in a whirl of green smoke and grabbed the ball from Blaise. "Will Hermione become a successful anarchist?" He read the results and sighed happily.

Dean shook his head at his friend. "Never gonna happen, mate."

Trelawney clapped her hands, recapturing the attention of the class. "I am certain I do not need to impress upon you how serious it is that no one mentions Harry and Draco have left us."

Blaise scowled. "He has _got_ to teach me how he does this. Convincing the school Draco's a vampire, getting kids to hug Snape, and now getting a _teacher_ to lie for him."

"Seriously," Pansy agreed. "It's impressive."

Trelawney smiled knowingly at Lavender and Parvati. "I knew something like this was going to happen today." She tapped the side of her head with her hand. "I saw it."

Parvati nodded in agreement. "You can't fight fate."


	13. He he he he he

247. I should not show up at the front gate wearing part of another houses uniform, messily drunk.

248. Even if my prefect did it.

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"Where is he?" Hermione hissed, methodically shredding a croissant into bits of fluffy dough.

"Who?" Ron asked, swallowing a lump of eggs and crunching into a piece of bacon.

"Harry," Ginny answered. She craned her neck, looking around the Great Hall. "He didn't come to dinner last night, and now he's missing breakfast." She turned to Neville, looking concerned. "Do you think he's all right?"

Seamus snorted. "Malfoy's missing, too."

Dean nodded solemnly. "They must still be reading to those sick blind children at Saint Mungo's." The boys snickered.

"You don't think Malfoy bit Harry too hard and killed him, do you?" Ron looked worried. "The Magic Crystal Ball _did _say that he could." Neville snorted. Hermione, having already been filled in on the happenings of a class she had dropped back in third year, merely shook her head and sighed before resuming her pastry homicide.

Argus Filch entered the hall just then, dragging a stumbling Gryffindor behind him. Ginny's eyes went huge. "Is that..." She looked over at the Slytherin table where Blaise Zabini's shoulders were shaking with silent laughter and Pansy looked disgusted, before looking at the blond haired student being pulled along by Filch. "Is that _Malfoy_?"

Hermione looked up sharply; noticing the disheveled looking Slytherin wearing Harry's Gryffindor cloak. She nodded, reached down to grab her book bag, and stood. "That'll work." She turned to Neville. "When you see Harry, tell him I say thank you."

"For what?" Ron looked around curiously, but Hermione had already vanished into the throng of curious students.

Filch yanked his prisoner before him and then let go, causing Draco to stumble and crash inelegantly to the floor. "Found him wandering around by the front gates, I did," he told the headmaster excitedly. Dumbledore frowned, looking rather surprised, and instinctively searched the hall for Harry.

Draco gazed up at a nearby Hufflepuff student from his position on the floor. "Have your house colors always been so yellow?" The girl blinked, surprised and slightly frightened, but nodded none the less. Draco sniffed. "How plebian. I knew there was a reason I was in Sythindor."

"Sythindor," Seamus whispered, face red from trying not to laugh.

Dean snickered. "Apparently it's how the cool kids roll."

The caretaker reached down and hauled Draco to his feet. Dumbledore looked at the young man sternly over his spectacles. "Mr. Malfoy, can you explain why you were stumbling around the front gates; out of bounds and out of uniform on a school day?"

Draco looked confused. "I'm not out of uniform." He looked down, an expression of surprise lighting up his face. "This is Harry's robe." He began looking around the hall indignantly. "Where's my robe?" he demanded of the same frightened Hufflepuff. The girl shook her head, causing Draco to scowl threateningly as he weaved back and forth on his feet. "You just wait till I tell my father you stole my robe! Stupid puffer. Pouf. Pufferpouf!"

"Mr. Malfoy!" Snape spoke sternly, looking utterly humiliated that one of _his_ students was causing such a scene. "You will explain yourself at once!"

"But she took my robe," he whined, pointing drunkenly at the Ravenclaw table on his other side. "And I don't have to explain anything! I am a pureblood! And a…a…" he frowned, copying Harry's signature gesture and running his hands through his hair. "I'm something else, but I can't quite remember what."

"A vampire," Susan piped up helpfully.

"No," Draco shook his head. "I'm only Harry's vampire."

"You're a prefect!" a loud voice declared from the doorway.

"Yes!" Draco spun around, ending up sitting on the poor Hufflepuff as his equilibrium proved unstable. He beamed at the Gryffindor slouched against the door frame. "I'm a prefect! Thank you, Harry."

"Mr. Potter!" Professor Flitwick gazed in shock at the utterly unkempt boy working his way slowly towards Draco. Harry was wearing his school slacks and trainers, a t-shirt emblazoned with 'QPDIITA,' a Slytherin tie, and had what appeared to be… sparkles?... across his cheekbones.

"That's me!" Harry raised his hand obediently.

Draco smiled fondly, draping his arm across the shoulders of the girl he was still sitting on. "He's really quite cute when he's being an idiot." The girl nodded in agreement, eyes glued to Harry's chest. Draco scowled. "Stop looking at him!"

Dumbledore rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Mr. Malfoy…"

"But he's mine!"

The old wizard paused for a moment before deciding to ignore this outburst. "Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Potter. Would you please provide a justification for your appearances?"

Harry brightened, twisting his head from side to side so the glitter on his cheeks reflected in the light and flashed brightly. "Do you like it? Kevin, or Gavin, or whatever his name was. Maybe Steve. Well, _he _thought I should use eye shadow and a bit of liner, but _I_ said I wasn't a girl, but sparkles are just so pretty, so…"

Snape interrupted. "Who is this person you are speaking of?"

"Well I don't really know." Harry wrinkled his brow in confusion. "We met him at the club and he was just _sooo_ nice and after the club closed we all went back to his place. Only I don't think it was his place because we entered through a hole in the wire fence rather than a door. _I_ didn't want to go in, but _Draco_ really liked the Lemon Drops they were making, and then Sally was teaching me how to use the strippers pole and Draco fell asleep so we…"

"You went home with a complete stranger!" Snape looked like he wanted to flay Harry alive.

"You left the school grounds?" Dumbledore looked shocked, wondering how the boys had gotten past the wards.

"You went to a club?" Ginny called out eagerly.

"The world didn't end!" Sybil Trelawney toasted Harry with her Sherry bottle and patted the magic eight ball hidden in her pocket.

"Vodka is good," Draco sighed happily. "I think I'll name my first child Vodka. Or maybe Bacardi. Those are good names. Cosmo would be a sweet nickname too."

McGonagall sipped her tea. "Oh dear," she said mildly. "So much could have happened to you both." She took another sip of tea. "Ten points from Gryffindor and Slytherin."

"TEN POINTS!" Snape bellowed. "Merely _ten points_!!" He turned back to Harry, sallow face flushed unbecomingly. "Just who do you think you are?!"

Harry brightened again, raising his arms in a Muscle Man pose and singing off-key; "I - am - Iron - Man, neener neener neet neet neet neet neet."

Seamus roared with laughter, pillowing his head in his arms on the table. Dean choked on his juice and even Padma and Parvati Patil were hard pressed to hide their mirth. Ron leaned across the table and whispered to Neville. "Who's Iron Man?" Neville shrugged.

Draco gave Harry an inquiring look. "I thought your nickname was The-Boy-Who-Lived?" He shrugged, unconcerned, as Harry pulled him off the Hufflepuff and wrapped him in a hug. "I like Iron Man," he purred, sliding one of his legs between Harry's. "It's much more _inviting_."

"I thought you were going to Malfoy Manor?" Crabbe looked confused.

"Well, we were going to," Harry explained. "But Draco's parents came back from the Bahamas early so we couldn't stay there." He turned to Draco, pouting. "I wish your dad would stop trying to kill me."

"I'll talk to him," Draco promised, kissing him gently on the forehead.

Harry beamed. "So we went to the Leaky Cauldron but _everyone_ recognized us and I didn't feel like fighting off Death Eaters on my day off, you know? So we went to Gringott's and the Goblins were _amazingly_ helpful, and then we went into Muggle London and hung out."

"And then," Snape icily interjected, arms crossed over his face and sneer firmly fixed on his face. "Knowing full well that the Dark Lord is around and vying to kill you, you decided to go _dancing_ and _drinking._"

"The Dark Lord wouldn't have gone to a club like this," Draco hastened to reassure him. "A Muggle patted my butt."

"Maybe he would have," Dean called out. "Maybe that's why he's so unhappy with the world. UST plays havoc on your sense of reason."

"You think so?" Harry tilted his head curiously.

"I think it would be best to finish this conversation elsewhere," Dumbledore rose from his seat. "And allow the other students to head off to class."

McGonagall sipped her tea again. "Second period started five minutes ago."

Dumbledore blinked at his Deputy Headmistress. She took another sip of tea followed by a delicate bite of pastry. "Very well." He turned back to the students; none of whom had made the slightest attempt to follow his previous order and head to class. "Students are free to study until after lunch. At which point, class schedule will resume as normal." He gestured to the two boys in front of him. "I suggest you head to Madame Pomphrey for a check up, and then I wish to see you both in my office."

Finally setting her tea down, Minerva stood and gestured to the boys. "Follow me, please."

Seamus watched them walk out of the hall. "I am so glad Harry is my friend."

Ginny nodded. "I'm writing to Fred and George tonight. I think he'll need help to do anything else after this."

Lavender looked oddly flushed. "Gods! Can you just imagine the two of them? Sweaty. Flushed. Glittery." She took a long drink of juice. "Why am I never in the right place at the right time?" Parvati nodded dispiritedly.

Ron looked disgusted. "Why would a Muggle pat Malfoy's butt?"


	14. Number 52

Number 52: I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard," when being sent to the headmaster's office.

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Harry had never loved Professor McGonagall more in his life than when she pushed Harry and Draco down onto one of the beds in the Hospital Wing and pressed vials of Sleeping Solution into their hands. Harry gazed at his potion vial blankly for a moment; his head still spinning from the sudden velocity change of standing to sitting. "But Dumbledore wants to see us in his office." he finally murmured. Draco just looked at him, grunted, and downed the vial.

"Yes," McGonagall agreed. "And he will. Once you've slept off enough of the alcohol in your systems to be able to stomach a sobering charm."

The next time Harry woke up it was quite a bit later, if the shadows on the wall were anything to go by. He shifted slightly, removing Draco's head from where it appeared fused to his chest, and stretched. A noise from the left alerted him to the fact that several of his friends were sitting there, apparently waiting for him to wake up. Ron wrinkled his nose. "You smell funny, Harry."

"Don't," he muttered, shaking his head. He curled back around the sleeping body next to him. "Smell like Draco."

Blaise snorted. "Isn't that just the most hygienic though, hmm?"

"Well of course you smell like Draco, Harry!" Ron exclaimed. "You've been sleeping next to him all afternoon!" He shook his head at his friend's obvious stupidity. "I mean you smell _funny_,Harry. Like," he sniffed the air again, "bleach or bread dough or…" he trailed off, a faintly horrified expression on his face. Gamely, he shook it off. "Must be the dried sweat from the club."

Dean regarded Ron blankly for a minute before turning back to Harry. "How long are you going to let this continue?" he finally asked. "I mean, at this point I think it goes beyond sheer naivety."

Harry nodded, sitting up reluctantly. "I have plans to address the issue this weekend."

"How?" a muffled voice asked from under the safety of a pillow case.

"You'll like it," Harry reassured, reaching down to pet the visible blond hairs.

Ron looked between his friends in confusion. "There's an issue?" Neville just rolled his eyes and looked towards the entrance to the room before shaking his head.

Draco tried to sit up, groaned, and burrowed back under his pillow. "How the fuck are you so, so, _awake_?" He spat the word out like it was the gravest of insults.

Harry shrugged. "Natural tolerance, I guess."

"Bloody Gryffindors." The curse may have had more merit had it not been whimpered out. Or had Draco not been trying to burrow back into Harry's chest at the time.

Dean nodded thoughtfully. "Well, Malfoy, we can't all have such well defined _Sythindor_ characteristics."

Draco froze, head lifting from the security of Harry's body slowly. He turned to Blaise, gray eyes wide with horror. "That wasn't a dream?"

Blaise smirked. "Nope."

"I have to move."

Harry ignored the blond, looking around curiously. "Where are the girls?"

Seamus looked dreamy again. "Hermione got a package from her mum and came and grabbed them. I don't know where she was headed, but she was singing 'you say you want a revolution' under her breath as she dragged them away." He sighed happily.

"A wide spread _obliviate_ shouldn't be so hard. I can get the others to help me."

Neville looked startled. "Hermione really _is_ set on becoming an Anarchist?"

Dean shrugged. "Or something."

Madame Pomphrey bustled over, clicking her tongue disapprovingly and muttering about irresponsible teens with inflated senses of selves. Harry patted a still shell shocked Draco soothingly. The blond didn't seem to notice as he kept up his running conversation with himself. The healer looked at Harry demandingly. "How are you feeling, Mr. Potter?"

Harry shrugged. "I feel fine."

She turned to the blond. "And you, Mr. Malfoy?"

"I have to enroll in Durmstrang."

"Lovely," she replied crisply, handing them both Hangover Potions. "Need I impress upon you the seriousness of your actions?" Both boys shook their heads. "Then get yourselves cleaned up and be on your way."

Dean watched the healer walk back to her office. "Harry," he said slowly. "Should you ever become the next Dark Lord or something, make her one of your generals or a lieutenant or something. Maybe one of your SAS members."

Harry laughed. "I'll keep that in mind."

Draco was still muttering to himself. "There _are_ only _three_ unforgivable curses."

Ron turned to the Slytherin and helpfully offered; "I'll help you pack, Malfoy."

"Harry!" The group turned, startled, to see Hermione striding through the door, arms full of pamphlets and banners… wearing brown bell bottoms, platform Daisy shoes, and a ribbed tie-dye tank top with a peace sign on the middle of it. She was followed by Ginny and Pansy; wearing hip hugging jeans and cropped shirts, colorful headbands, and colored shades. Daphne was close behind; wearing an Empire waist dress with flared sleeves, and white thigh-high heeled boots. "You're awake!" Hermione continued, sounding pleased.

"Mione? Umm… what are you doing?"

"I'm staging a protest," she said happily. "Mum was thrilled when she got my letter and sent me a box of clothes she used to wear back in college along with several useful suggestions."

Ginny pouted. "I still say we should be able to burn our bras in the Great hall if we want to."

Pansy shrugged. "An _incendio_ would burn too fast for it to have any real effect."

"Oh," Harry answered. He paused. "And these clothes are necessary to the protest?"

"Yes," she replied seriously. "Mum said it's very important to _feel_ the movement." Parvati and Lavender walked through the door, dressed similarly to Ginny and Pansy and pulling a dreamy Luna between them. Harry stared. Luna was dressed in a short pleated skirt, her white blouse was tied off at her waist and exposing a lime green bra… which matched her lime green knee socks, and black heeled sandals. She was absently swinging a sign by her side with the words "_HELL NO, WE WON'T GO!"_ emblazoned in bright pink ink. Hermione gasped. "LUNA! I told you we were protesting as a group so they _wouldn't_ mistake us as naughty school children. _Not_ that we were dressing up _as_ naughty school children."

"Oh no," Neville said, slightly breathlessly. "It's effective. I'd protest with her."

Luna waived her hand vaguely in the air. "Details."

Lavender and Parvati, meanwhile, had begun casting cosmetic charms on Harry and Draco. In no time at all, the two boys were cleaned up, teeth scoured, clothes pressed, and slightly more presentable looking. Draco seemed to feel better once his hair was no longer unkempt. Seamus looked between the girls unrolling their banners to the guys going along with their suggestions. He turned to Dean. "Does this make us part of the Lollypop Guild?"

Dean sighed glumly. "Welcome to Munchkin land."

Harry pointed his finger at the two. "_See! _See I _told_ you my life was parallel to the movie!"

Neville suddenly laughed. "I guess this means you got your horse of a different color after all."

Ron looked between his laughing friends nervously. "Horse? Does this have anything to do with the bestiality lecture Malfoy was talking about back in the chamber?"

Harry ignored him as he allowed himself to be pulled towards the door; choosing, instead, to link arms with Dean and Draco and skip lightly. "We're off to see the wizard…"

Blaise eyed the laughing friends and disgruntled and swearing Draco as he followed the students down the hall to the Headmaster's office. He tugged lightly on Pansy's arm in confusion. "Is that part of some weird Gryffindor mating ritual, or something?"


	15. Number 341

Number 341. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

HDHDHD

"Where's Potter?"

Hermione looked over the stack of papers she had buried herself behind in the library and gazed at Draco blankly. "What?"

The blond had a slightly feral gleam in his shiny gray eyes. "I was a distraction," he hissed. "He let me come back to the school drunk and sloppy because he needed a _distraction_." Draco fingered his wand lovingly. "Potter," he repeated. "I need Potter. You're his pet Mudblood. Find him for me!"

She blinked; tilting her head to the side as an idea struck her. "How hard is it to hire a solicitor?"

Draco shrugged. "We have one on retainer. How will this help me find Potter?"

Hermione sighed. "Mum thought I should start leaving graffiti in random places with the message 'Kilroy was here,' but half the school wouldn't get it." Hermione paused, looking thoughtful. "I'm a little worried over how much Mum is getting into this. Ginny somehow managed to find a list with three hundred and twelve names of Muggle born students on it and sent it off to her. Mum already had plans to locate all the parents and form some kind of PTA." She shook her head, shrugging philosophically. "Ah well."

"Lovely as that pointless soliloquy was, I repeat: How will this help me find Potter?"

"Hire your solicitor to consult with me, and I will find Harry for you."

Draco didn't hesitate; reaching over the girl and plucking a bit of parchment from her stack. He scribbled quickly, ripped the parchment in half, and handed both pieces to her. "There. Produce Potter."

Hermione looked down at the two notes in her hand. One addressed to Lucius Malfoy, the other to the Malfoy family lawyer. Beaming, she reached into her bag and pulled out a map before handing it to Draco. "Be careful with this. It belonged to Harry's dad. If you allow it to get damaged, no amount of sex or money will make Harry forgive you for a _very_ long time."

He looked down at her. "It that a threat, Granger?"

She shrugged. "I'm just saying. Unless you want a _long_ and _cold_ winter, treat that item with respect."

Gray eyes studied the map intently. "And you just happen to be carrying this about your person why?"

She shrugged again. "Dumbledore dismissed us as a group of overzealous students. I am planning an educational reform and am prepared to fight dirty. Mum says the Dental Association fights like sharks." Hermione squared her shoulders, looking grim. "I want to make sure no one tries to assassinate me before I finish my quest."

Draco looked at Hermione; reluctantly impressed. "I applaud that level of paranoia." He reached out and shook her hand. "I'll assign Crabbe and Goyle to watch your back while I have the map. Best of luck." He studied the map, eyes lighting up dangerously. "The Quidditch Pitch, of course…"

Hermione watched him walk away before picking up the letters again. If she got to the Owlery and sent these off in the next thirty minutes, she could possibly expect a reply by this evening!

Blaise hurried along besides Draco, matching his stride easily. "Draco, just because there are only three curses the ministry had deemed unforgivable, does _not_ mean that every other curse is 'pretty much forgivable.'"

Draco didn't slow down on his slightly maddened rush to the Quidditch pitch. "My friend, Blaise. You are _my_ friend! That means you are on _my_ side and _my_ team!"

The Italian sighed uneasily. "It's because I'm your friend that I am trying to keep you out of Azkaban!"

"Are you kidding?" Draco snorted. "Do you really think Snape would allow me to get carted off to Azkaban for teaching Harry not to mess with a Slytherin? Hell, he'd probably give me a medal!" Blaise sighed, looking at his friend nervously as Draco continued to mutter to himself.

Turning from watching Harry help Ron practice his Keeper ability, Dean looked over and spotted Draco. "Oi!" he yelled to Harry. "Your favorite Sythindor is approaching!"

Harry turned and waved. Then yelped and flattened himself against his broom as a blast of yellow light passed inches from his head. "Draco, what the hell!"

"I am not a distraction!" Draco's face was flushed with indignation. "Reducto!" Without waiting for a response, he fired off a quick series of colorful spells.

Neville looked at Harry and Ron wavering on their brooms, and back at the Slytherin firing curses without reserve. "Err… doesn't this, technically, _make_ Draco a distraction?"

Watching Harry and Ron weave back and forth on their brooms, Lavender looked over at the boys and asked; "Shouldn't you do something about this?"

Seamus, Neville, and Dean looked at each other. Seamus looked down at the pitch where Blaise was struggling to keep Draco's hand lowered by his side as Harry and Ron zoomed closer to the earth. Sighing, Seamus stood up and pointed his wand straight up in the air. "WOLVERINES!" he bellowed, before flicking his wand and stunning Blaise.

Parvati watched Blaise crumple to the ground. "No offense, but that seems kind of counter productive to me."

Dean laughed. "I love finding random times to quote movies."

"He's dating him, he should deal with him." They watched Harry tackle Draco, trying to wrestle the wand from his grip. "Besides," Seamus added, "they're happiest when they're fighting."

Neville winced as Harry's head snapped back from the force of Draco's punch. Ron finally reached the ground and leapt off his broom. "No! You can't kill him Malfoy!"

"Hands," Dean called, watching Ron jump on the mass of flailing limbs. "Who thinks Draco's gonna take Ron out within two minutes?"

Lavender shook her head. "Draco's a Slytherin and Ron's an idiot. He won't _last_ two minutes." She smiled smugly as Ron crumpled under a blast of crimson light. "Told you."

"Damn it Draco! You can't just curse people when you feel like it!"

"Watch me! Think you can _set me up _to be humiliated in front of the entire school? I'll show you! _Incarcerous!"_

Harry bent double and charged Draco again, the spell passing harmlessly overhead. Draco swore again, wheezing in a breath. _"Immodicus Crudus!"_

"Excessive bleeding!" Neville looked truly alarmed. "Maybe we _should_ step in."

"Nah," Dean waved his hand dismissively. "They'll be ok."

"Incendia Viscus! Lentus caput capitis poena! Bretons vertebrae!"

Parvati bit her lip. "Fire bowels, lingering headache, and brittle bones?"

Seamus looked impressed. "Never knew the little bastard was so creative."

Lavender cocked her head to the side, watching Harry swerve and bend and fight. "Wow. I never knew Harry was so flexible." Draco's head snapped up towards the stands. "Oh shit!" They dove for cover just in time.

"Gelu Connubialis!"

"Frigid!" Lavender and Parvati shrieked, surging to their feet and withdrawing their wands. "That fucker was going to make us _frigid!_"

"I'm sorry!" Harry shouted out. He hit his knees, cringing as Draco leveled his wand on him. "I'm sorry, Draco! You are not a distraction, you are not expendable. You are amazing. And smart. And I… I am worse than a Blast Ended Skrewt for ever treating you as less than the most incredible being in the world!"

Draco eyed him expressionlessly. "Will you ever treat me in such a shameful manner again?"

"Never." Harry shook his head vigorously back and forth. "Never ever ever again."

The blond sniffed. "See that you don't." Harry slowly stood up and inched closer. Draco allowed him to kiss his cheek before he pushed the Gryffindor away and walked over to revive Blaise.

Harry stared down at Ron. "What did you hit him with?"

Draco shrugged. "Who knows."

Harry sighed, collected the two discarded brooms, and levitated Ron towards the castle. Dean snickered. "See? I told you they would be ok."


	16. Number 104

So, totally irrelevant to the story, but my Audrey got into an argument with one of her little Kindergarden buddies over - you guessed it - Harry Potter! The boy was trying to tell her that HP was a movie, and Audrey was like, "No, it was books first. Then movies." The kid argued, she argued back, I found out when I found a note from the teacher in her back pack. The argument she used was that there are seven books and only five movies. Seven is bigger than five, so, therefore, the books came first. The teacher was impressed with her logic and debating skills. I know it's immature, but I sooooo wanted to call the little boy's mom and in the most annoying and sing-songy voice possible say, "My baby's smarter than yours... na na na na na na." And the moral of this pointelss story? Read to children! Ok, moving on.

HDHDHD

Number 104. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.

HDHDHD

Terry Boot bit his lip nervously. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Susan Bones nodded determinedly. "Yes. You heard about what happened on the Quidditch pitch a couple days ago. We need to do something to make them stop fighting!"

Zacharias Smith nodded in agreement. "As Malfoy's official blood donor, Harry needs to stay committed." He fingered his neck nervously. "Or else Malfoy will find someone else to bite."

"Draco would never bite you," Luna commented absently; still swinging her 'HELL NO, WE WON'T GO!' sign from hand to hand. "There's no sexual tension between the two of you. He just flat out doesn't like you."

Ernie cleared his throat, eyeing Luna as though she would morph into Cujo at any given moment. "Erm… right." He shook his head, puffing up his chest determinedly. "The fact of the matter is, we cannot afford for the two of them to continue fighting like this. We must do something."

Susan nodded earnestly. "Harry is an honorary Hufflepuff," she began, "and we take care of our own."

Justin Finch – Fletchley looked slightly frightened. "But locking them and their friends up together? Are you sure that's wise?"

Wayne Hopkins chose this moment to join in the conversation. "I know it seems a bit extreme, but, Justin, would you honestly be happy in a relationship if your chosen didn't like your friends? I mean, this has to stop. Look at the way they fight!"

"That wasn't fighting," Luna dreamily contributed. "That was foreplay."

Terry gave the girl an odd look. "Whatever it was, it's not healthy." He looked around at the assorted students. "So we're agreed? Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff houses will conspire together to force the sixth years to get along?"

All the students nodded in agreement. Michael Corner sighed, shaking his head almost wistfully. "I wish Fred and George were still here. The betting pool for who would draw first blood would be astronomical."

Anthony Goldstein gave him an incredulous look. "You're a Ravenclaw! If you can't concoct a betting pool to rival theirs, you should denounce yourself from the house immediately!"

Susan ignored the Galleons trading hands and looked around the group uncertainly. "We are doing the right thing, right?" Everyone nodded and smiled; talking animatedly about how wonderful it would be once the tensions around the school eased. Except for Luna. She simply kept swinging her sign from hand to hand while contentedly singing "Kum By Ah."

Blaise was the first one to awaken. He looked around blearily, one hand pressed to his temple in a futile attempt to control the dizziness. Then he looked around again. He was in a classroom. Surrounded by the majority of his year mates and the Gryffindor sixth years as well. Prodding Pansy with his foot, he waited for her to grumblingly sit up before gesturing widely. "Should I be concerned about this?"

She looked around at the mass of unconscious Slytherin and Gryffindor students and whimpered. "I'm dead. I've died and been sent to the place where evil dark lords and manipulative people go." She sniffed, feeling really quite sorry for herself.

"It's called Hell," Hermione supplied from across the room. She sat up and groaned. "And we're not there. We're… well, I don't know where we are." She scowled suddenly. "I bet Dumbledore arranged this to distract me from my quest of educational reform!" She shook her head mutinously, arms crossed across her chest. "He had better just wait until I inform my new solicitor. Oh yes, yes indeed."

"Does that mean we failed to watch your back?" Goyle asked from across the room.

"Please don't tell Draco," Crabbe piped up.

Theodore Nott moaned, clutching his head in his hands and looking around the room with bleary eyes. "What the hell happened?" He whimpered softly, mumbling to himself. "I _knew_ the snakes would get me in my sleep!'

Dean Thomas gave a pained sort of murmur in agreement. "Weren't we supposed to experience some sort of pleasure before pain like this?"

Seamus kicked Dean with his foot. "I don't have my wand. Do you?"

Daphne grabbed a book off the desk behind her and hefted it like a weapon. "Let me get this straight. I go to bed and everything is normal. Then I wake up, hung-over, without my wand, and surrounded by Gryffindors. I want to know what's going on, and I want to know now."

Hermione looked around warily. "Anyone eat any suspicious looking lemon drops lately?"

Neville sighed. "Just because he refuses to properly prepare Harry for battle, refuses to provide us with an adequate education, and allows us to nearly die every year…" He trailed off, scratching his head. "Where was I going with this again?"

Pansy scoffed. "Oh please. Dumbledore may be amazingly dense and slightly oblivious, but he is far from evil. The man practically shits sunshine."

Ron moaned, coming to consciousness slowly. "Mum," he whined, "Fred and George hurt me again. Make them stop.'

Daphne snorted. "I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be strong and courageous. Blindly rushing in where others fear to tread, or some such nonsense."

Seamus snickered. "That only applies to the forces of darkness. Not annoying and creative older brothers.'

"What's going on?" Ron sat up quickly; before paling and clutching at his head. "What happened?"

Hermione sniffed a piece of cloth lying near the door. She wrinkled her nose and pushed it away swiftly. "Ether. Cloth soaked in ether. Someone drugged us and moved us here."

"Someone drugged us?" Daphne glared, throwing her book at Ron.

From outside the door excited murmurings could be heard. "That sounded like Ron! I told you he would be the first hurt! Pay up Ernie!"

"Wait a minute." Blaise held up his hand to quiet the room, head cocked towards the door. "Someone's out there."

"We can't just let them fight each other. We need to tell them they are there to communicate."

"That sounds like Susan," Hermione whispered.

"But I want blood shed!"

"Michael! We are not here for fighting; we are here to promote a sense of unity!"

"And to keep Malfoy from biting out necks."

"Justin! This is not about Draco being a vampire! And Luna! Stop singing Kum By Ah! We're here to help. That's what friends are for. They help each other."

"Yeah, well, friends don't usually need to confiscate their friends' wands to ensure their own safety either."

"Well… I'm just a bit worried that they'll be a little… upset; when they wake up locked in a room together."

"A Hufflepuff did this?" Blaise looked truly shocked. "I thought they were all about flowers, and love, and laughter, and, and," he gestured, "togetherness or something." He looked around the room, an uneasy expression on his face. "On second thought, this practically screams Hufflepuff."

Hermione got up and staggered to the door, banging on it firmly. The whispered conversation on the other side ceased abruptly. "Open this door! We don't have time for this!"

"Sorry, Hermione," Terry said regretfully. "But it's for your own good. Harry is Malfoy's chosen, and we need you all to get along so the fights stop."

"Quick! Someone wake up Draco and Potter," Pansy hissed.

Neville hurried over to where Draco and Harry had been carefully arranged together, Draco's face pressed conveniently against Harry's neck, and shook them gently. Draco looked around and then closed his eyes, snuggling closer to Harry's body. "Never knew you were such an exhibitionist, Potter," he mumbled sleepily. "Hoping to teach your inferior friends a thing or two by having them observe us?"

Seamus snickered. "Told you Malfoy was a kinky bugger."

Harry murmured, turning over to snuggle into Draco's chest. "S'wrong? Sleeping. Turn off the light, Mione."

"Sorry, Harry, but I can't turn off the light because your idiotic Hufflepuff friends _stole my wand!!_"

"What?"

"Everything ok Harry?" A slightly muffled voice called through the door.

"Umm," Harry sat up slowly, rubbing his temples carefully. "I don't understand."

"We're helping you Harry!" Susan called excitedly. "We're helping you and your friends get along! Luna, _stop_ singing Kum By Ah!"

"Oh. Thanks Susan." He looked around the room in confusion. "Did you really think it was necessary to take our wands? And lock us in?"

"We were hoping you'd work it out like Stone Cold Steve Austin!"

"Michael! That is not productive for helping with active listening!"

"Oh come _on, _Sus. I know you bet three Knuts that Ron would pass out when he realized that Harry and Draco were bonded for life."

"What?" Ron went deathly pale. "Bonded for life? But, but…" His eyes rolled to the back of his head as he crumpled to the floor. Lavender gave him a disgusted look and shoved him further away from her.

Draco looked bewildered. "We're not bonded for life."

"It's the vampire and mate bond," Luna called out cheerfully.

"Looks like I won those Knuts, too. Look, Harry, we just want to help. You can't keep fighting all the time!"

"But you can make Crabbe bleed! Please? I'll give you two Galleons!"

"I thought you bet five Galleons on that?"

"Ssh!"

"Michael!"

Parvati shook her head. "This is so not a school. This is a glorified circus. And we are the monkeys in the cage."

Lavender shrugged. "At least people aren't throwing peanuts at us."

"But if you guys do start bikini wrestling, I'll give you six Galleons! I can conjure some mud for you. Or some jell-o."

"MICHAEL!"

Hermione gave a frustrated groan and stamped her foot impatiently. "What now?"

"Honestly," Pansy sighed. "Gryffindors are so incompetent!" She stood up, dusted off her nightgown, and marched over to Ron. Picking up the book Daphne had thrown at him; she held it above her head and dropped it, allowing it to thump loudly on the floor.

"What was that?" an excited voice asked. "Did you give in to your tempestuous rage and bludgeon someone?"

Blaise looked at the door in surprise. "I didn't know Hufflepuffs knew words like bludgeon."

Lavender snorted. "Welcome to our circus."

Pansy ignored the conversations and instead gave a dramatic and high pitched scream. "What happened?" Susan called out, sounding alarmed. Pansy screamed again.

"I was just kidding about the bludgeoning."

"Michael! You are not helping!"

Pansy started sobbing loudly and hysterically; as she stood there idly examining her nails. "Oh help! It's awful! I can't stop the bleeding!"

"Who's bleeding? Is it Ron?"

"What happened?"

Daphne let out a wail, calmly standing and hefting another book; holding it over her head and pointed towards the door. "Oh no! Merlin help us! Don't die, please don't die!"

Seamus caught on quickly. "Stay away from the light, Carol Ann!"

The door opened rapidly, students tripping each other to enter; wands drawn. Daphne huffed the book, beaming Michael Corner upside the head. Pansy moved swiftly, grabbing the unconscious student and wrapping her arm around his throat. "Give us our wands or the Hufflepuff gets it!"

Susan looked shocked as Ernie practically threw the wands at the students. "We only wanted to help," she whispered mournfully. The students shoved out of the room, glaring bitterly.

Luna waved cheerfully at the departing Slytherin and Gryffindor students as she marched back and forth waving her picket sign energetically. She held out her hand when the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw militia trickled back into the hallway. Terry scowled as he handed over a stack of gold coins. "I don't get it," he complained.

Justin nodded, handing over his own coins to Luna. "Seriously! What are the odds of unarmed students getting away from us before lunch?"

Ernie sighed, shaking his head. "Where did we go wrong?" Susan sniffled tearfully.

Luna merely smiled and kept marching.


	17. Number 124

Number 124: I will not wear my Death Eater And Proud Of It T-shirt to school.

HDHDHD

"Ssh ssh ssh, here he comes."

Michael Corner and Anthony Goldstein entered the library, distracted by the parchments in their hands, and sat down at an empty table. A few seconds later, Michael shifted in his seat. Then Anthony hunched his shoulders uncomfortably. Both of them compulsively scratched at the side of their heads. Michael looked up, frowning, searching the library for the source of his discomfort, and froze. Seated not three tables away were Hermione, Harry, Ron, Lavender, Parvati, Seamus, and Dean. All sitting perfectly still and all watching him intently. He twitched again; nudging Anthony with his elbow and pointing out the possessed looking teens. Anthony shifting from side to side in his chair; before abruptly standing up and exiting the library. Michael practically ran out the door after him.

Ron looked away from the retreating students and turned to Hermione with a frown. "What are we doing again?"

"Psychological warfare, Ronald. Psychological warfare."

"Oh." The red head nodded agreeably. "And what is the purpose of this again?"

"To induce or reinforce ideas or objectives favorable to our objectives."

"Oh," he said again. "And your lawyer recommended this?"

"Of course not, Ron. That would be illegal. He just _happened_ to have a file on the subject in his briefcase, which just _happened_ to fall onto the floor, and I _happened_ to pick it up with the intention of being a good little Gryffindor and returning it to him, and just _happened_ to read it first. It was purely coincidental."

"Oh. Right. My mistake."

Seamus snickered. "This psychological crap was almost worth it to see the look on Terry Boot's face when Malfoy smiled at him in the hall."

Neville shuddered. "You have to admit he looked more predatory than friendly.'

Dean laughed. "Or when Pansy complimented Susan on her outfit."

"She went straight back to her dorm room and changed!' Neville protested.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Seriously! It took me _forever_ to convince the Slytherins that cursing first and asking questions later would be far too suspicious. No, no. This is a much more subtle approach to manipulating the minions to instinctively follow us and our decisions. Like lemmings." She cackled quietly, pressing her hands together and tapping her lips lightly.

Lavender laughed. "So, what; we're trying to convince them all we're the children of the damned or something?"

Parvati snickered. "I think Hermione is just a little too susceptible to power rushes."

"Buhuhahahaha!"

They all turned to stare at her. Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed. "Kidding! That was a joke!" She shook her head in exasperation. "Psychological warfare is used to prevent escalation from prospective enemies towards violent resolution of differences."

Ron blinked. "Which means?'

Lavender patted his arm. "I think it's best you just go with it and not ask questions.'

"I can do that.'

Hermione nodded decisively. "Now, tomorrow is Friday, and according to my source at the ministry, Amelia Bones is going to be arriving at the castle around breakfast time to address the concerns the PTA has in regards to their children's education. Depending on how the visit goes, she will either continue her investigation via owl and Floo, or she will make a return visit on Monday." She paused to flip through her notes. 'Paintballing the school was fun once, but the teachers are primed to intercept Peeves. We need to up the ante and make them realize there is a very serious injustice being done here at Hogwarts, and ignoring the problem will not make it go away.'

"Will you marry me _this_ weekend?"

"Still busy, Seamus. Sorry.' Hermione studied her notes again, making the occasional check marks and additions. "We have the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw sixth years on their toes around us for fear of retribution. They're so psyched out around us now that they will probably agree with our demands to placate us first and rock the school second. The picket lines were less than successful, but we all still have our supplies, yeah? We need to recruit more students for Monday's march. I have Rita Skeeter coming at nine, and I want there to be plenty of photo opportunities for her.'

"Are we still doing what you want us to do tomorrow?" Neville seemed oddly resigned to the outcome.

Sure enough, Hermione looked at him like he was mad. "Of course you are!" she said sharply. "This is war!'

Dean laughed. "Plus, with next Tuesday being Halloween, Hogwarts is going to be under intensified scrutiny to make sure all the children aren't sacrificing virgins or partaking in rituals for demonic possession."

Amelia Bones and her back up, Kingsley Shacklebolt were enjoying breakfast when the Great Hall fell almost completely silent. Shocked and appalled looks and whispers centered on the Gryffindor table as The Golden Trio entered and calmly took their seats. The fact that they were eating breakfast was no big deal, but the fact all three were wearing T-Shirts under their robes emblazoned with the message, 'Death Eater and Proud of it!' rather was. "What is the meaning of this?" Amelia gasped out in shock.

"Oh dear,' McGonagall calmly sipped her tea. "Whatever are the children up to now?" She raised her voice, ignoring the fact that Dumbledore had half stood to address the situation quietly. "Miss Granger? Mr. Potter? Mr. Weasley? Why on earth are you wearing shirts announcing your association with the Dark Lord?"

Harry looked confused. "You mean Death Eaters are bad?" He ignored the incredulous looks sent his way. "I asked Professor Binns and he said he'd _never even heard_ of Voldemort or his Death Eaters." Harry shrugged, casually adding jam to his toast. "If Voldemort and the Death Eaters aren't big enough to make the history books, why should it bother anyone that I'm wearing this?"

"Hmm,' McGonagall looked thoughtful, tapping the lip of her cup gently. "No, I am afraid I require an excuse other than teacher ineptitude to explain away this unsettling development."

Amelia Bones turned and glared at Dumbledore. "Binns is the history teacher here? And he has not been instructing his charges on the rise and fall of the Dark Lord?"

"Nope,' Ron called out cheerfully. "But I know all about Wendelin the Weird. That will really come in handy if I ever decide to let myself get burned at the stake."

"My dear, Miss Bones," Kingsley interjected. "Do you really think Harry Potter of all people would willingly associate himself with the minions of the man who killed his family?"

"Actually,' Hermione interrupted in her bossiest, most know-it-all tone of voice. "Death Eaters were originally called the Knights of Walpurgis, which was a mockery of Saint Walpurga; the saint associated with protection against witchcraft." She tossed her hair back haughtily. "One could argue that we are simply proclaiming ourselves to be witches and wizards."

"Besides," Harry added innocently. "Binns hasn't tried to kill me once in the last six years."

"Of course he hasn't," Ginny piped up from down the table. "He's a ghost. Unlike the Defense Against the Dark Arts instructors who are either incompetent or possessed by Voldemort, or Umbridge and her blood quills, Binns isn't a corporeal being. He _can't_ kill you."

"Ah," Minerva said wisely. "Well that explains it then.'

"That explains nothing!" Amelia shouted.

Lavender and Parvati rushed through the doors just then wearing similar t-shirts and hurried to the Gryffindor table. "Thanks Hermione," Lavender said gratefully. "You really helped me out there!"

"No problem at all," Hermione gushed warmly. She looked between her and Parvati, biting her lip anxiously. "And the results?"

"Negative,' they chorused.

"Results?" Amelia looked between the three girls suspiciously. "Results of what?'

"Oh,' Lavender waved her hand airily, "just a pregnancy test."

"A WHAT?"

Parvati nodded solemnly. "No one here ever taught us about sexually transmitted diseases or safe sex. Hermione was alarmed at our lack of knowledge, as the Muggles begin teaching their students this information at age eleven. Since our school wasn't teaching us, we had to get information from somewhere."

From the head table, Madame Pomphrey looked over the crowd in distress. "But information received from peers is not necessarily reliable!"

Lavender shrugged. "It's better than nothing."

Parvati nodded. "Besides, her parents are dentists. That's _practically_ like a real doctor."

Luna wandered in just then, dressed in a thick black robe with a white mask twisted creatively up in her hair. Hermione sighed. "We were wearing our shirts today Luna," she said in exasperation. "Not _dressing_ like Death Eaters.'

"Details." Luna waved her hand dismissively. She sat down in Harry's lap and stole his tea; promptly tossing it over her left shoulder and humming the Hokey Pokey. Draco glared at the blonde. "I wanted to make sure that I was protected in case they decided to do the ritual tonight and shed the blood of the innocents." She blinked slowly. "My hair is long. It takes forever to wash the blood out."

"It's really pretty.' Lavender ignored the sputtering sounds coming from the ministers' liaisons and admired Luna's hair. "I bet you use a lot of conditioner though."

Neville and Dean walked in, dragging a dazed looking Seamus between them. Neville's hair was purple, Dean had three eyes, and Seamus's clothing was completely backwards. Luna tilted her head curiously. 'You boys look really festive this morning. Should I have dressed up as well?"

"No, Luna, you're good," Neville huffed out, slinging Seamus onto the bench.

Dean sighed loudly as Seamus' head thunked loudly onto the table. "We searched everywhere for the spell to reverse it, Hermione, but we couldn't find it anywhere!"

From across the room Pansy snorted. "Well you certainly won't find it here. The library here hasn't been updated properly in almost seven years."

"Seven?" Hermione narrowed her eyes dangerously. "I thought it was only three?"

Daphne shook her head. "It's really easy for Slytherins to curse the other students." Blaise elbowed her sharply. "I mean, _identify_ the curses used on other students. We have books at home that they don't carry here.'

"Yeah," Neville muttered, scowling in her direction. "Dark Arts books."

"No," Daphne gave him a superior look. "I mean the library here only stocks best sellers so it looks like they are maintaining their standards. Well written books, often times containing better information, are not supplied here because they're less well known." She shrugged. "Father has an open account at several different book stores. We Slytherins believe in being better informed." The Ravenclaw students immediately clustered together and began muttering; shooting their teachers looks of betrayal and anger.

"Oh if only we had the resources to plan an intervention into the decaying educational standards here." Hermione sighed loudly.

"Harry's sigh is better," Luna commented.

"He's had more practice," Draco explained acidly; still sending the girl perched in Harry's lap a look promising pain. Luna merely smiled at the ceiling.

Susan Bones abruptly burst into tears and stood up at the Hufflepuff table. "I'll help you," she cried out tearfully. "I'll help you in any way I can!"

"Susan!"

"Shut up Aunt Amelia!" Susan ignored her aunt and hurried to the Gryffindor table. "That's all we really wanted to do," she explained earnestly. "We just wanted to help!"

Terry Boot stood up as well. "We'll help too," he declared, gesturing to his fellow Ravenclaws.

Michael and Anthony looked at the Gryffindors warily. "Um, I don't know anyone who's really proud to be a Death Eater. Do we have to wear the shirts?"

Crabbe and Goyle, still on guard duty, stood up and glared at the students. "You messing with Granger?"

"No!" Anthony squeaked. Michael shook his head vigorously from side to side. "No. We'll do whatever we can to help her!"

"Ok. See that you do." They sat down after one last glare. From across the room Hermione beamed at her guards and blew them kisses.

Draco stood up and crossed the room; pulling Luna off Harry and gripping his arm tightly. "Right. Make the plans, inform the minions, and we will assist where necessary." Having said his piece, he dragged his now grinning captive out of the room.

"He must be hungry,' Ron commented, taking a bite of eggs.

The Gryffindors stared at him. "Didn't we already burst your metaphorical bubble over this?" Dean asked with a sigh.

"Oh Blaise explained it to me," Ron waved his hand vaguely. "He said I lived in the happy little Land of Denial." He frowned, scratching his head in confusion. "But I don't think the Land of Denial is near Hogwarts. He said something about it being near Never Never Land. Something about third star on the right and straight on till morning, or whatever." He shook his head, ignoring his friends' laughter.

Seamus lifted his head and laughed at Ron. "And is someone going to help bring you out of denial anytime soon?" He kicked Hermione under the table and gave her a pointed look.

"What?" She asked defensively, hands full of several loose parchments. "I'm busy!"

"Nope,' Ron shook his head again. "Daphne said Malfoy couldn't pay her enough to teach me that lesson, and Pansy said she would never be that bored. Blaise offered to teach me after the Halloween dance on Friday." He loaded more bacon onto his plate. "I'm a bit worried because Slytherins fight dirty, but he said the pain won't last long.'

Dean blinked. Lavender burst out laughing. Parvati and Neville turned to look at Blaise. The Italian winked at them. Seamus nudged Hermione. "You going to do something about this?"

"Hmm?" Hermione looked up, distracted, from her list of things to do. "What?" Oh," she reached out and absently patted Ron's hand. "Have fun." Seamus stared at her in shock as she gestured with her head before striding out of the room; her two bodyguards falling into position behind her.

"Students fearing involvement in demonic rituals, students going to other students for advice of a sensitive nature, inept teachers, and now sexual discussions over the breakfast table?" Amelia's eyes were almost glowing with rage.

Kingsley raised his hands soothingly. "Now, Amelia, I am sure this isn't what it looks like."

"No," she declared angrily. "I'm sure it's worse!" She tossed her napkin onto her plate and stood with a dramatic flourish. "Headmaster, I shall return on Monday for a though review of all your teaching staff. I shall also be returning on Tuesday to supervise this dance you are having. And you had better believe I will pop in for a surprise inspection when you do not have time to doctor any findings to your way of thinking!" Trembling with rage she turned and stormed out of the room.

"Well," Parvati remarked. "That went well."

Luna spelled off Neville's shirt and examined it critically. "Do you think these will sell as well as the 'Quidditch Players Do It In The Air' merchandise?"

Lavender turned to Ron, smiling brightly and artificially. "So, what are you wearing to the Halloween dance?"


	18. Number 316

Monday

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316. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

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Bright and early Monday morning found Hermione dressed, once again, in her Daisy shoes, bell bottoms, and ribbed tie-dye peace shirt. Goyle shadowed her, arms loaded with signs, while Crabbe stood with his arms folded across his chest glowering at everyone who came within five feet of her. Students were milling about, yawning and laughing, while house elves served breakfast and beverages. Dean Thomas was lying on the front steps putting the finishing touches on a poster depicting Binns hovering over a mass of sleeping zombies, Ginny Weasley and Dennis Creevey were gleefully composing songs while Terry Boot strummed commercialized sounding ditties on his guitar, first and second years ran around in their Halloween costumes, and Daphne and Pansy lounged about in conjured chairs and observed the whole scene from a safe distance. Colin Creevey was running around taking pictures of the whole thing.

"Alright," Hermione pushed the hair out of her eyes impatiently. "The signs are done, refreshments are keeping people occupied, lines are forming, and Rita Skeeter is running around interviewing students and waiting to ambush the ministry." She snagged Neville as he jogged past. "Is everything set up?"

"Yep.'

"Good." She released him and walked on, handing out signs to empty handed people as she passed.

Dumbledore came out to the front steps and blanched at the sight of the students on the lawn. "What is going on here?"

Professor Snape looked shocked to see two of his Slytherins dressed up in Muggle clothing and chatting away while two more of his Slytherins hovered protectively over Hermione. "She's bewitched them," he decided. "Headmaster, you _must _have her expelled!"

"Twinkle, Twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are.

But I have no new books to read

So for all I know you're a bum-ble-bee.

Twinkle, Twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are."

The headmaster's eyes widened in shock when he noticed his Deputy Headmistress mingling amongst the students. "Minerva! Whatever are you doing?"

Graying hair ironed straight, wearing a paisley print wrap around dress and shoulder length earrings, Minerva arched an eyebrow as she approached the clustered teachers. "Why, overseeing the student group, of course. Dear me, you aren't suggesting that _this_ many students should be allowed to form their own club without adult supervision, are you?"

Flitwick eyed Minerva's legs appreciatively. "Why are you dressed like that, though?"

"I always support my Gryffindors in any way I can."

"Iiiiii'mmmmm brewing up a cauldron full of love for you!

Doing everything my fellow students tell me toooooooo,

No sex-ed classes teaching how to play fair,

Just friends answering questions of 'It Goes Where?'"

"This isn't a club," Snape protested. "This is a mutiny!"

Dumbledore eyes Rita Skeeter's hovering Quick Notes Quill and looked around for the lady in question. "We will discuss the technicalities of what this grouping represents later. For now, let's get everyone inside and off to class."

"Oh we're not going to class today," Hermione offered helpfully; approaching the teachers and handing out pamphlets. "We're protesting the lack of educational resources, as well as the marked decrease in standards over the years." She smiled pleasantly at the group. "There will be a few lessons provided later in the morning, but, for now, feel free to enjoy the provided refreshments."

Snape watched Crabbe and Goyle eye the professors suspiciously before leading Hermione away. "Did she manage to master the Imperius curse?"

"How dare you imply my Gryffindors are less than exemplary in their conduct!"

"Now, now, let's not argue." Dumbledore held up his hands in a placating manner. "I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for all this."

"Hey ! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me  
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to  
Hey! Mr. Dumbledore Man, play a song for me  
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you."

"Can we at least stop the singing?" Snape glared at the group of children over on the right. Terry was still playing his guitar, someone had given Ginny a tambourine, Seamus had managed to produce a set of drums, and Anthony Goldstein was wearing dark sunglasses and playing the piano. Even more students were dancing about and laughing as they came up with new songs to sing.

"Oh I don't know," Madame Hooch snapped her fingers and moved her hips in time to the beat. "I had rather a large crush on Bob Dylan back in the day." She wandered closer to the students.

"Headmaster, what is the meaning of this!"

Dumbledore looked up and sighed at the sight of Amelia Bones, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Nymphadora Tonks, and Lucius Malfoy standing mere feet away. "Just a little demonstration by the students. Nothing to worry about." He gestured to the front doors. "Please, come inside. I have all the requested files waiting for you in my office."

Tonks whistled at Minerva. "Wow Ms Mc, you look hot!"

Amelia frowned at the side of the school where a large grouping of children was surrounding something. "What's going on over there?" Ignoring Dumbledore, she headed over.

Luna stood gazing dreamily up at the sky, appearing largely unperturbed by the fact that she was tied securely to a pole atop a large stack of wood. Harry and Ron flanked her, talking animatedly to a group of curious Muggle born and pure blood students. "… Like I was saying yesterday, Wendelin the Weird enjoyed being burnt at the stake so much she did it several times."

A first year raised his hand, looking fascinated. "Why didn't the witch or wizard just apparrate away, or spell the flame off?"

"Most people who died were Muggles. They couldn't do anything."

Harry nodded. "Witches and wizards have a naturally built in defense against flames, but even they were susceptible to poison. Most witches would die from inhalation of carbon monoxide from the flames, which would break down their body's defense and allow them to fry."

Blaise Zabini rearranged his index cards and spoke up. "Puritans believed that fire was cleansing. It was their belief that the purified soul would be allowed clemency since the evil darkness that is witchcraft was burnt out of them." He stared at his cards. "Seriously? Muggles are idiots." Ron elbowed him.

"You may say I'm a dreamer  
But I'm not the only one  
I hope someday you'll join us  
And the world will live as one"

Luna started shrieking and wailing, tugging at her bindings enthusiastically. "Let me go! I'm innocent! Innocent I tell you! I'm too young to die! I've never been to Rome!" Her hand slipped free of its bindings. "Oh, sorry," she apologized, spelling her hand back into place. She continued her wailing; intermixing it with the song lyrics floating over.

Tonks wandered away, over towards the singing group. "Nice sense of rhythm they've got. Wonder if they know any songs by the Weird Sisters."

"What is going on here?" Kingsley was so shocked he forgot to instinctively bow to Dumbledore's whim.

"Hello!" Luna greeted cheerfully. "Have you come to document my death so future generations can martyr me?" She smiled over at Millicent Bulstrode. "Do I have lipstick on my teeth? I want to look good for my close ups."

"No, you're good."

"What do you mean?" Harry looked confused. "We have a project due on Muggle history for our Muggle Studies class. We thought it would be fun to work together." He shook his head sadly at Blaise. "They really must not want the Slytherin and Gryffindor students to get along." Rita started furiously muttering to herself as her photographer excitedly snapped out pictures.

"But," Amelia looked like she didn't know where to begin. "But you can't actually burn a student simply for a presentation!"

"Really?" Ron looked surprised. "But there's no rule against it in the rule book. Hermione checked. In fact, it says usage of props is encouraged."

"I've always wanted to be a prop," Luna sighed happily.

Lucius Malfoy looked bored. "I'm disappointed in you Draco. You, of all people, should know to use a Muggle born or Half blood as a prop. _Not_ a Pure blood."

"Sorry, Father."

"Lucius!"

"Well what do you expect?" He turned away from Amelia, gesturing to the students marching in lines while waving about signs. "I've been trying to tell you for years that the glory of Hogwarts is no longer wholly deserved." He turned back to where Luna was tied to the pole. "Look at what the students are allowed to get away with. I'm telling you, we must declare war on the falling standards or the future of the wizarding world is doomed!"

Ron turned to Harry suspiciously. "Where did Hermione say she hired her solicitor from?"

Amelia stormed off, heading to the Headmaster's office, muttering dire threats about ministry involvement and a school supported PTA. Dumbledore hurried after her, lost for words. Snape looked smug as he watched their retreating forms. "I've been telling him for years that he pampered his Golden Boy. He turned him into a monster, and now he has to reap the results." Giggling quietly, he followed Lucius back into the building.

Hermione came running over. "I think its working! Two other newspapers have shown up already and have begun interviewing the protestors! And my lawyer just informed me that a representative from the PTSA of Beaubaxtons wants to meet with me on Thursday!" She screamed. "We're actually starting a revolution!"

Seamus watched her hurry off. "I think I love her," he decided.

Harry grinned, turning to Draco and pulling him close for a fierce kiss. "Sorry, Father?" He laughed. "You're amazing Draco. Did you know that?"

"Naturally."

Blaise patted an anxious looking Ron on the back. "Remember: I'll explain everything to you after the dance." Ron nodded, looking relieved.

Luna looked disappointed. "Does this mean you're not going to light me on fire?"


	19. Number 30

Tuesday

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Number 30. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

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"What the hell is that?"

Draco glanced over. "A miniature demon troll," he answered nonchalantly. "Pass the bacon."

Pansy passed the platter over without taking her eyes of the small blue thing organizing Hermione's supplies in the hallway. "Since when did Hogwarts contain miniature demon trolls?"

"We've always carried them; they're the house elves." He waved dismissively. "That's why Granger was so obsessed with her Spic and Span thing she started a few years ago. She knew the house elves were descendents from trolls and wanted to keep the students safe when they decided to mutiny."

Daphne eyed Draco suspiciously. "Are you being serious?"

He nodded. "Harry explained it to me. House Elves are connected to little blue demon trolls known as the Secret Militia United in Rebellion From Sorcerers." Draco looked over and studied the odd blue creature as it finished arranging the posters. "Apparently there weren't many people willing to accept the truth until it was too late."

"What happened?"

Draco shrugged. "There was a creepy wizard named Gargamel who, along with his cat Azrael, tried to squash their rebellion and kill the usurpers. Unfortunately, their cult leader, Papa Smurf, repeatedly foiled his plans and convinced them all to go underground."

"Oh yeah," Blaise said thoughtfully. "I heard Dean telling Ron not to put anything shiny under his pillow at night because one of the SMURFS descendents is named Gollum and likes _precious_ jewelry."

Tracey Davis, a half blood, looked over in alarm. "I think I've heard of those Smurfs." She looked around uneasily. "Father used to tell me bedtime stories about them, something or someone named Smurfette, and mushrooms." She shuddered. "I had nightmares for months."

Theodore Nott looked uncomfortable. "Gollum, you said? That seems strangely familiar to me. Didn't he kill his best friend over a ring?"

"Was it a magical ring?" Goyle looked intrigued.

"I think so." Ted scratched his head. "Something about it being a physical reflection of the Imperius curse, or something."

"Can you buy these rings in Knockturn Alley?" Daphne asked curiously.

"Morning!" Harry said cheerfully, sliding into a seat next to Draco. "Everyone excited for the dance tonight?"

"Sure," Pansy answered abruptly. She leaned forward, gazing at Harry intently. "Tell me about this ring the Smurf descendent Gollum made."

"The Smurf…" Harry trailed off, an odd look on his face. "Oh!" He nodded solemnly. "One ring to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them."

"Can you buy these rings in Knockturn Alley?" Daphne repeated.

"Sorry, no. A Squib knocked Gollum into a volcano while he was holding the ring, and they both disintegrated." He looked around the table solemnly. "The ring was made by elves; sadistic little buggers from the Smurf colony. You really should be nicer to house elves." He pointed over to the Gryffindor table where Dobby and Winky, both a bedazzling shade of blue, their white tea towels contrasting sharply against their skin, were practically dancing in place as Hermione instructed them in what to do today. "They're allowed to show their true colors on Halloween. Like wizards, a kind of reflection to the old ways, you know?"

"But why are they blue?" Crabbe looked utterly confused.

Harry shrugged. "To remind wizards that not everything is as harmless as it seems, and that rebellions are present even if Old-Men-With-Twinkling-Blue-Eyes-Who-Only-Sees-What-He-Wants-To-See refuses to take it seriously."

Pansy looked impressed. "Draco, I think you have had a positive influence on Boy Wonder over here." Draco preened.

Harry winked at the students. "Nothing wrong with allowing a bit of Slytherin in you every now and then." Daphne choked on her pumpkin juice. "Well I'm off!" Harry said brightly; leaning over to steal a quick kiss from Draco. "See you tonight! And, remember: be nice to house elves."

Tracy watched Harry walk away and sighed. "That boy really is much more attractive when he's doing something naughty." Daphne and Pansy nodded in unison. Draco glared.

Giggling youngsters admired the floating jack-o-lanterns on the ceiling of the Great Hall, disillusioned teens scowled and loudly protested the commercialism of a sacred holiday, Pure bloods protested the lack of spiritual connection on Samhein, and still others ignored it all and drank punch and whooped it up on the dance floor. Leonardo was laughing so hard tears were pouring down his face. "He believed me? That Gollum was a descendent of a Smurf?"

Master Splinter shrugged, laughing at Dean's amusement. "Blaise may be a pureblood, but at one time or another his mother married a Muggle born. He's heard of Gollum, even if he can't quite remember how."

Raphael shook his head. "And Draco believes the house elves are really demon trolls? Harry, I love you."

"I love you, Seamus. And yes, he does." He shook his head, grinning widely. "All hail the natural blonds."

"Why did we color the elves blue, again?" Michelangelo nervously looked at the shining house elves serving refreshments.

"Because, Neville," Harry explained; "I promised Hermione I would use my _influence_ over the Slytherins to get them to support S.P.E.W. It's the only way she could justify using house elves in her revolution. She needed the help, the Pure bloods needed a viable excuse not to torment them, and thus the evil miniature demon trolls idea was formed."

"And evil miniature demon trolls are blue?" April O'Neil questioned in amusement.

"Yep." He shuddered. "Parvati, when I was young Dudley had me convinced they lived in the garden and would sneak into the house at night to kill me in my sleep. My Uncle Vernon didn't care I had nightmares, until he heard Dudley tell me they were possessed. Possession is for spirits, spirits are associated with magic, and Smurfs were subsequently banned from the house."

"What?" Shredder laughed. "He didn't tell you they were monsters in the closet or under the floor or something?"

"Nope, sorry Lavender." Harry grinned. "I used to think Fraggles lived under the floor. I would pay money that the Fraggles could kick the Smurfs arse in a fight. Hands down."

"I used to want to live at Fraggle Rock," Parvati sighed.

"Humans can't go to Fraggle Rock," Inspector Gadget offered dreamily. "They would spontaneously combust." She tilted her head thoughtfully. "Perhaps witches or wizards can. I'll have to ask Uncle Matt."

"Fraggles are real?" Harry asked curiously. The students around him shook their heads negatively.

"Of course they are, Harry," Luna informed him with wide eyed sincerity. "They keep the Gorgs from taking over the world."

Princess Leia approached the table, flanked by the Men In Black; complete with Rayban sunglasses. "Everyone having fun?" Hermione didn't wait for a response. "Good, good. Just wanted to remind you all not to stay up too late tonight. Tomorrow is Day Three of our strike, and several news publications will be in attendance. Rumor has it the Minister himself will show up! Best be bright eyed in the morning. Oh, and sensei?" She bopped Harry lightly on the head. "I head Daphne, Pansy, _and _Tracey politely thank the house elves. Your idea of immersing them in cultural history to allow the students to better relate to them was obviously a success! Thank you!"

"Anytime," Harry grinned. "You seen Donatello around?"

Hermione burst out laughing. "Yes, yes I have." She grinned at the table. "Merlin was leading him out of the hall, explaining that a proper demonstration of what goes on between Harry and Draco may take several hours to master."

Neville shook his head. "I never knew Blaise was…err," he glanced at Harry apologetically. "I mean, not that there's anything wrong with it, but I just, um, never thought…"

Lavender saved him. "He swings both ways," she offered cheerfully.

Parvati nodded. "But I have no desire to see that. I would, however," she winked at Harry, "pay money to watch certain people go at it like rabbits."

"I'll bear that in mind, should we ever feel the need to express our more voyeuristic tendencies." Guy Fox glared down at the table; Parvati in specific. She shrugged, unapologetic.

Harry tilted his head back and pulled Draco down for a kiss. The blond wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Why are you dressed like an overgrown rat?"

"For the same reason you're dressed as a sexy rebel." He shrugged. "It's Halloween, Draco. People are allowed to dress up and be silly." He winked. "Want to go to the Prefects bathroom with me and help me wash all this stuff off?"

Seamus watched their swiftly retreating forms. "What all do you think Blaise will do to Ron?"

Lavender snorted. "Do you really care would be the more apt question."

Dean just laughed and accepted a pumpkin pastry from Dobby. "Thanks, Papa Smurf." He turned back to his friends. "Doesn't really matter, does it? Harry and Draco will still do it better."


	20. Number 85

Sorry for the delay guys! Curious little girls + my laptop equals massive frustration and deleted files. And then... well, then I made some new friends and now I have a new appreciation for Lindt chocolate. lol! If it's any consolation, I was going through withdrawal for not posting as often, and missed you all terribly.

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Number 85. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite period of time" amusing in any sense

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Terry Boot come flying out of the school, leading a pack of Ravenclaw students and searching for Hermione with tears streaming unchecked down his face. "Hermione!" he yelled. "Did you see it? Can you believe it? What happened?"

Hermione didn't bother looking up as she continued checking items off on her list. "I saw Terry." She handed Goyle a stack of flyers. "Give these to the third years over there to pass out," she ordered crisply, before turning to Goyle. "Find Ginny and tell her to eliminate the delay. We need those signs now, not later."

Seamus panted lightly. "I love you all authoritative and anarchist-like," he told her breathlessly.

Dean snorted. "Why don't you just hit your knees and call her Mistress for fucks sake." He shook his head at his friend despairingly. "Remember back in the day when you used to have a spine?"

Neville shrugged. "I can't really say anything to that. I'd let her whip me too." Lavender choked on her pumpkin juice.

"Not that the sexual proclivities of Gryffindors isn't disturbing or entertaining," Pansy eyed Terry warily, "but I for one would like to know why a sobbing Ravenclaw is amongst us and no one has hexed it yet."

"_He_, Pansy," Hermione corrected absently. "Terry is a he, not an _it."_ Pansy rolled her eyes dismissively. "And he is crying," Hermione continued as she sent off a memo to Luna, "because the library has been temporarily closed." Terry whimpered pitifully.

Seamus turned to Harry, looking slightly apprehensive. "The mad old bint is scary enough. Do you really think it wise to admit her into FC?" Harry just shrugged, grinning wickedly.

"Books?" Parvati asked incredulously. "You're crying over _books_?"

Padma Patil stormed over and slapped her twin. "Not just books, you flighty idiot! Our access to knowledge has been rudely taken away from us! How can you be so blasé over something of this magnitude?"

"It was a necessary step so Madame Pince could complete her list of requested books uninterrupted." Hermione smiled sweetly at the irate girl. "Protest sign?"

Harry started laughing. "Geez, Padma, don't know why you're so upset anyway." He shrugged lightly. "It's a fact that history is written by the victors. You would have to read several different texts about a subject in order to garner a complete understanding. Do you really think Dumbledore or the ministry would allow us to develop unfettered opinions over subjects he can't control?"

Anthony Goldstein eyed the group warily. "Is this another way of getting us to follow your plan for educational reform? Other than staring at us like you want to suck out our souls, that is."

"They don't want your souls," Luna answered dreamily, walking over to Hermione clutching her sign and dressed up in her naughty school girl uniform. "Your souls have been tainted. The cleansing rituals would take too long to complete." She eyed the nervous looking Ravenclaws thoughtfully. "I could start the preparations if you'd like, Hermione."

"Oh, no thanks Luna." Hermione successfully hid her smile. "Finally!" she yelled, spotting Ginny and Colin approaching, arms laden with signs. "Where have you been?"

"Don't yell at me," Ginny answered irritably, thrusting her signs into Seamus and Dean's arms when no one tried to help her with the load. "I was looking for Ron. Anyone seen him?"

Theodore Nott snickered. "Nope. But Blaise snuck back into the dorm sometime around three am. He looked a bit," he snickered again, "frustrated."

Michael Corner looked confused. "Well if he went off with Ron, what do you really expect? Slytherins and Gryffindors are not really well known for playing nicely together."

"Oh I don't know." Harry smiled over at Draco. "_Some_ Slytherins and Gryffindors play well together. You just have to know how to play a bit… dirty."

Anthony smiled kindly at Harry. "You're just saying that because the vampire and mate bond is a strong one. Before you bonded, you didn't get along well at all."

"Oh they haven't bonded yet. They have to wait until they're seventeen." Luna smiled dreamily as she handed Su Li a sign proclaiming 'WE'VE EVOLVED FROM THE TIME OF THE FLINTSTONES!'

Green eyes lit up with laugher. "Nothing wrong with a bit of blood play every now and then."

Seamus laughed at Harry. "Maybe Malfoy isn't the only one who's a kinky little bugger."

"What are you talking about?" Anthony looked totally confused. Lavender and Neville stared at the boy.

"You mean it wasn't just Ron?" Neville looked truly shocked by the widespread ignorance.

"Speaking of which…" Ginny started.

"Off the subject!" Terry yelled, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand. "How can she just close the library like that? And for how long? _An indefinite amount of time_, the sign said!"

"She doesn't like the filthy students putting their filthy hands all over her precious books." Hermione started.

"Blasphemy!" he roared.

She patted Terry's arm soothingly. "She agrees that educational reform is necessary. Especially if it'll give her and all of us more books to play with."

"You're getting students to do what you want them to do by manipulating teachers to do your bidding first?" Daphne eyed Hermione with rising respect. "How have we not become friends before now?"

Luna gestured dismissively. "The whole Mudblood thing." She smiled over at Hermione. "Shouldn't you be addressing the students and members of the press? Starting a rallying cry everyone can focus on, such as 'death to the infidels!'"

"Hmm," Seamus agreed. "I can get you a leather outfit to wear. Purely for effect." Dean smacked him upside the back of the head.

Flanked by Crabbe and Goyle, Hermione made her way over to a podium placed in the middle of the gathering. A quick 'sonorous' and she was ready. "Hello fellow students, ladies and gentlemen of the press, and concerned parents gathered here to support our efforts. You should all be very proud of yourself and all we have accomplished thus far." The crowd clapped politely. "The new Parent Teacher Association has come up with a list of requirements for suitable teachers, as well as several extra curricular activities such as Magical Art, choir, band, regulated sports, and," an odd expression crossed her face, "behavior, etiquette, and manners." The crowd cheered just a bit louder. "But we still have a lot to strive for! Still, after so many weeks of struggle, our esteemed headmaster refuses to participate in our crusade and continues to neglect such basic tools as the library!"

Terry let out another sob. "It's true," he called out. "In fact the library is closed right now! For an indefinite period of time! No one has access to anything at the moment!" Next to him Padma waved a 'ROUGE IS A COLOR. A ROGUE ISN'T! – LET OUR CHILDREN LEARN!' sign threateningly.

Hermione slammed her hand down on the podium for emphasis. "The time for dallying has come to an end! Hogwarts must recognize the need for restructuring after so many years! Students have a right to a high level of education! Together we _can_ make a difference!" Seamus gave her a besotted look; holding up a cardboard sign proclaiming 'KEEP YOUR COINS, I WANT CHANGE!'

Anthony Goldstein waved a sign bearing the word 'REDRUM!' enthusiastically in support. "Death to the infidels!" He blushed at the weird looks he received. "What?" he asked defensively. He jerked his thumb in Luna's direction. "I was just following in _her_ footsteps.

Luna twirled one of her pigtails around her fingers, her 'HELL NO WE WON'T GO!' sign floating in the air besides her. "You shouldn't follow in my footsteps," she told Anthony seriously. "Sometimes I walk into walls."

Dumbledore appeared on the steps of the school just then, flanked by Minerva and Flitwick. He looked utterly bewildered by the large gathering of students, press, parents, and ministry officials attempting to restore order. He held up his hands like a messiah, waiting until the noise level dropped before bestowing a smile upon the gathered mass. "I assure you, the need to gather like this is no more. The situation is under control, the students are safe; there is nothing left to be concerned with." He frowned at his deputy headmistress as she graciously accepted an 'I CAN'T BELIEVE WE STILL HAVE TO PROTEST THIS CRAP!' sign. She shrugged in response.

'Oh really?" Ginny called out. "Then where's my brother? Or are you saying we don't need to be concerned when students come up missing?" The press whispered amongst themselves, sending the headmaster disapproving glares.

"And why's the library closed?" Mariette Edgecombe yelled out, hoisting her 'NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION!' sign. "It's bad enough that the books are seriously outdated and unfit for proper growth and development, but how is shutting the library down completely conducive to a healthy learning environment?"

"The library is not closed," Dumbledore replied serenely.

"Yes it is!" Terry roared, pumping his 'OFF WITH HIS HEAD!' sign into the air.

Colin Creevey shook his 'ACCORDING TO BINNS VOLDEMORT IS NOT A THREAT!' sign towards the school. "The times, they are a changing! Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug! We must change with the times before we're flattened by them!"

Susan Bones and her Hufflepuff friends linked arms and began to sway together, singing. "We shall overcome, we shall overcome…"

A parent waved a 'YOU GOTTA FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT!' sign impatiently. "And no more demonic rituals for our children!"

Harry leaned against the wall and watched the battle rage. He sighed happily. "I love it when there's trouble and it can't be linked back to me."

Draco snorted, watching as Hermione shouted and waved her signs energetically from the safe bubble provided by the hulking Crabbe and Goyle. "We may have to keep Granger for awhile. She's dead useful when it comes to being tenacious."

Ginny tugged on Harry's arm anxiously. "Have _you_ seen Ron? I'm getting really worried. He wasn't back in the common room by the time I went to bed last night, and he missed breakfast. Was he there when you woke up?"

Neville snorted. "Harry's curtains were firmly closed this morning. And judging by the quiet, several privacy spells were in place." He reached out and patted Ginny's arm comfortingly. "Although, I can honestly tell you that five males took showers this morning."

"Only one of them was blond instead of a red head," Dean muttered quietly. Seamus elbowed him, laughing.

Parvati linked arms with Ginny. "Ron's a big boy. I'm sure he'll turn up by tomorrow."

Seamus sighed happily, ignoring the conversation around him as he watched Hermione go head to head with Dumbledore in a debate. "Can't you just picture her with a whip?"


	21. Number 287

287. I will not follow Potions instructions in reverse just to see what happens.

HDHDHD

"I just don't understand what a safe word has to do with my protest for educational reform."

Seamus followed her into the classroom. "Well, it doesn't _really_ have anything to do with your protest, but I think it would be an interesting way to secure loyalty. I mean, _I_ would certainly be loyal if you had access to a whip and black leather."

"I don't think so, Seamus," Hermione shook her head in amusement. "But if I ever decide to pursue a career as a dominatrix, I will certainly look you up."

Tracy looked over in confusion. "Aren't you all supposed to be on some protesting crusade?"

Hermione scowled in response as she slammed her book bag onto the counter. Harry took one look at her furious face and opted to get up and go sit with Draco for the Potions lesson. "Fine," Hermione hissed out. "Run away. See if I care." She glared out the door and in the general vicinity of the headmaster's office.

"What's wrong with Hermione?" Neville asked in confusion.

"Nothing's wrong with Granger," Crabbe glowered threateningly.

Goyle cracked his knuckles. "You got a problem with her method of self-reflection?"

Neville shook his head vigorously. "Nope. Hermione's wonderful."

Dean looked at Seamus in shock. "Did Goyle just use 'self-reflection' correctly in a sentence?"

Seamus cocked his head to the side. "You hear that? Hoofbeats." He nodded his head knowingly. "It's the four horsemen of the apocalypse. The end of the world is upon us."

"Prefects cannot miss three consecutive days of school without a viable medical or familial emergency," Hermione mocked in a sing songy voice. "I'll give _him_ a medical reason alright."

"Is that why we're all back in class today?" Lavender reached over and patted Hermione's hand soothingly. "So we've had a minor setback. Rome wasn't built in a day, after all. Well get them, you'll see.'

"What are you talking about?" Daphne asked. "Italy was created by a coven of witches. Rome _was_ built in a day, and they banished their ex-lovers to the undergrounds of Venice." She rolled her eyes at the surprised expressions on the Gryffindors faces. "Why else would Venice sink further under water every year? Witches are vindictive."

"I think we're getting just a bit off topic here," Parvati broke in.

Dean slung a companionable arm around Hermione's shoulder, and then swiftly removed it after Crabbe and Goyle surged to their feet. "Look, Hermione, think of your campaign like a good ol' game of football. Dumbledore and his henchmen are trying to drive you down the middle, and you let yourself be led to give them a surge of confidence. Then, WHAM-OH! You bend it like Beckham, drive the ball up the side, and break the goalie's nose as you score the winning shot."

Pansy turned to Theodore. "What the hell is football?" He shrugged.

Snape cleared his throat and glowered at the class. Everyone immediately returned to their proper seats and began copying down the potions directions from the chalk board. The room was companionably quiet, the familiar scritch-scratch of quill on parchment the only noise, when the door was unceremoniously flung open and Ron sauntered into the room. His clothes were rumpled; hair a wild mass of red curls, and the dopiest grin was permanently stamped on his face. Blaise snickered; refusing to look up from where he was methodically chopping onion root.

"Lo everyone!" Ron greeted cheerfully. He paused by Snape, making a gun with his thumb and finger and clicking it twice. "Sorry I'm late." He smiled brightly at the stunned teacher. "Had a ball at the ball last night." He sauntered over to his seat next to Neville and slouched into place.

"Thank you for joining us, Mr. Weasley." Snape narrowed his eyes. "Ten points from Gryffindor for the inability to show up to class on time, ten points from Gryffindor for violating dress code, and ten points for expressing a higher level of arrogance and disrespect than one normally expects from you." He glared around the room. "Anyone else want points removed? Then I suggest you get back to work."

Ron lazily moved his ingredients about on his station, grabbing the bottle of armadillo bile and throwing a generous splash into his cauldron. Neville looked at him in horror. "Ron, what are you doing? For one, the ball was two days ago, not yesterday. And for two, armadillo bile is the _last_ ingredient to go in the potion, not the first!"

"What's it hurt to try something new?" Ron shrugged affably. "Haven't you ever wondered what would happen if you tried the potions ingredients in reverse?" Neville sent a pleading look to the two henchmen, and at their nod of agreement quietly bundled up his supplies and moved to the seat next to Hermione. Ron looked around and noticed Lavender looking at him. He jerked his chin up in acknowledgement. "Sup. How _you_ doin?"

Lavender snorted, shaking her head as she added her chopped Oregano to her potion. "I think I preferred you as an ignorant virgin."

"Oh, he's still a virgin," Blaise remarked casually. "And more than likely still a bit ignorant. He passed out before my lesson could include penetration."

Theodore grinned at Blaise's scowl. "Is that why you came back to the dorm all frustrated?"

"Wait," Parvati interrupted quietly, keeping a wary eye on Snape as he graded papers at his desk. "If Ron wasn't out learning varying forms of physical pleasure, where the hell has he been for the last day or so?"

Blaise shrugged. "When I left him he was sprawled on the couch on the Prefects lounge smiling at the wall." Pansy lifted an eyebrow in inquiry. Blaise shrugged again. "It was just a bit of frottage and a blow job."

"In the _Prefects_ lounge!" Hermione shrieked. The class froze, turning to look at Snape.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor," he intoned automatically, not bothering to look up from his papers.

"How could you," Hermione shrieked in a furious whisper.

"Well, it was easy actually. I taught him why friction between two bodies versus a hand is so much more fun, and that saliva…"

"That's not what I meant!" Hermione blushed a violent shade of brick red.

Ron negligently threw in a few carelessly chopped sections of sage before turning to Harry with wide eyes. "Harry! Has Malfoy ever put his tongue on your," he gestured awkwardly, "You know."

Draco calmly poured in three ounces of lavender oil. "Oh my," he intoned casually, "there are so many responses to that vaguely worded question." He stirred his potion four times counter clockwise as Harry added six precisely chopped beetle eyes to the cauldron and counted to twelve. "Have I ever had my mouth around Harry's…appendage? Yes. Have I ever put my tongue on Harry's sack? Yes." He calmly added three splashes of tonic water, ignoring Harry's bright red face. "Have I ever put my mouth on, in, or around Harry's anus?" He smiled wickedly. "That is not a conversation to be having in class."

Parvati eyed the two boys closely. "I really would pay, you know."

Pansy shrugged. "Just get Draco drunk. All false illusions of inhibitions go right out the window." She winked at the blushing Gryffindor. "Then you can watch for free."

Ron chucked in six whole beetle eyes and stirred his potion in random circles as he reached for the bottle of lavender oil. "You put your tongue _there_?" He gazed at his friend with wide eyes and a slightly glazed expression. "But, your tongue, but you, why, wet, oh Merlin." He shifted slightly in place, adding his sliced portion of oregano with a slightly shaking hand. "Aren't you afraid he'll bite you?"

"Oh he likes it when I bite," Draco purred; leaning over to place a nibbling kiss on Harry's earlobe. Harry bit his lip as he poured in the armadillo bile.

Blaise sighed wistfully. "Oh for a bit of stamina in a partner." He glanced over and shook his head at the red head. "The boy hardly lasted for one good turn. Probably spent the whole next day locked up in the lounge indulging in post orgasmic bliss."

Hermione glared at her cauldron as she added her own dose of armadillo bile with a steady hand. "The _Prefects_ lounge," she hissed under her breath. Neville shifted just a bit further away from the irate girl.

His hand had a pronounced shudder as he dashed in his oregano. "Wow. If it feels that good to have a mouth _down there_, I can only imagine how it would feel…" Ron's slightly dreamy soliloquy was interrupted when his cauldron gave a loud belch and exploded in a violent burst of orange smoke.

Snape sighed as he got up from his desk and toured the classroom. All the Slytherins, naturally, had managed to produce perfect metabolism Boosting Potions, as well had half the Gryffindors. With an impressive sigh, the professor stopped next to a coughing Ron. "And what, pray tell," he sneered, "is _that_ supposed to be?"

Ron stared at the mess before him. "Umm… the potion on the board?"

Seamus looked over and peered into Ron's cauldron before exploding with laughter. "Is that... did you… oh my goodness it's real!"

"What's real? Lavender asked, inching a bit closer and peering at the mess. The Pure bloods exchanged equally baffled looks.

Instead of replying, Seamus turned to Dean and solemnly intoned. "I do not like green eggs and ham."

Dean glanced in Ron's cauldron and grinned. "I do not like them Sam I Am."

"Seriously?" Hermione looked stunned. "He made green eggs and ham?"

Seamus slapped Ron on the back. "Dr. Seuss would be so proud of you right about now."

"Dr. Seuss?" Pansy looked intrigued. "Was he the one experimenting with genetic mutation?"

"No," Daphne shook her head. "That was Dr. Moreau?"

"Wait," Parvati looked at Daphne in shock. "Dr. Moreau was real?"

Snape cleaned the mess away with a wave of his wand and pinched the bridge of his nose. "That will be zero points for you today on a potion than even Longbottom managed not to screw up. What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Weasley?"

Ron still had a slightly dazed expression on his face. "The tongue is my new favorite muscle."


	22. Number 13

Number 13: Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

HDHDHD

"Well, first year he _was_ possessed by Voldemort."

Katie Bell shook her head. "Nope, sorry Harry but that's not good enough. Even before we knew he was possessed, Oliver and I spent a great deal of time bitching about how completely inept he was. Besides, Voldemort is supposed to be one of the greatest freaky people of all time, and if _that_ was the best he could do…" she shrugged.

"Who?" Colin asked, leaning closer to hear over the commotion of the Great Hall.

"Professor Quirrell," Harry answered distractedly, taking a sip of his tea. "Well, that doesn't really matter, I guess. So the man was an idiot. That in no way dictates intentional possession."

"Point," Katie conceded, stuffing the last bite of her toast in her mouth. She stood up from the table, tossing down two Knuts as she gathered up her bag. "I _still_ say student inflicted head trauma."

Dennis Creevey nodded as he wrote her prediction down into a Muggle notebook. "Got it."

"But _how_ would he get student inflicted head trauma?" Seamus asked curiously.

Katie gave him a disparaging look as she tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Woe to the stupid people who underestimate athletically inclined girls." She winked, waving cheerfully as she walked out of the hall.

Dean looked impressed as he watched her retreating form. "I think we've been overlooking Katie all these years."

"What happened second year, again?" Lavender asked thoughtfully.

Ron spoke up proudly. "Tried to use my wand and it backfired on him. Obliviated himself, then I knocked him out with a rock."

"And third year dear Mr. Lupin had that furry problem that got him in trouble." Luna sighed in remembrance.

"Well, to be fair,' Neville spoke up, "he _did_ forget to take his Wolfsbane and nearly killed Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Snape."

Luna waved her hand dismissively. "Details."

"And fourth year there was the escaped murderer from Azkaban, right?" Parvati appeared to be taking notes.

Harry nodded. "Escaped, loyal to Voldemort, killed his father, and managed to Polyjuice into Mad Eye." Harry shrugged. "Funny thing is, he would have gotten away with it too if he hadn't tried to kill me and forgotten to take his potion." He waggled his finger at his class mates. "Remember: the Devil's in the details."

Seamus shook his head. "You would think fathers would learn not to torment their children! I mean, seriously, Inego Montoya avenged his father, good old Darth Vader had his comeuppance, and in ancient mythology Cronus hacked off his fathers bits for having him locked up." He paused, a horrified look gracing his face. "Harry… you don't think you're the secret love child of Lily and Voldemort, do you?"

"Spitting image of my father, mate."

Lavender started laughing. "You look far too relieved Seamus. Put a hold on your imagination!" She looked around the table. "Where were we?"

Ginny made a disgusted face. "And last year there was Umbridge-the-Toad-Faced-bitch."

Parvati bit her lip. "And she… I forget."

Neville grinned. "Hermione tricked her into the Forbidden Forest while we distracted the Inquisitorial Squad, and she was carted off by the Centaurs." He sighed happily. "I've always liked Centaurs."

Hermione entered the Great Hall just then, flanked, as per usual, by Crabbe and Goyle. They scanned the area around her seat, clenched their muscles intimidating, and finally allowed her to sit. Hermione patted them fondly before shooing them over to the Slytherin table. She smiled brightly at her friends. "Morning!"

Ginny eyed the retreating bodyguards. "Don't you think you're letting them get just a bit out of control?"

"Nonsense." Hermione casually buttered a slice of toast. "They're just preventing me from being stabbed in the back by corrupt figures in the political hierarchy."

Colin blinked. "Hermione, you know I'm your biggest fan and all, but don't you think you're getting just a bit paranoid?"

"Paranoia is keeping me alive."

Luna casually reached over and dipped her croissant in Harry's tea. "Perhaps protection has nothing to do with it anymore. It's common knowledge that protectees end up falling for their protectors."

"Whitney Houston did fall for Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard," Lavender gave Hermione a wide eyed look of shock.

"Please tell me you are not involved in a love triangle with Thing 1 and Thing 2."

Hermione gave Ginny a reproachful look. "Of course I'm not!" Seamus sagged with relief. "And they're really _not_ that bad," she continued, much to everyone's horror. "Crabbe has a wicked sense of humor, and Goyle is very creative in the ways that he hurts people. They're diamonds in the rough, if you will."

Dennis closed his eyes. "Someone, quick, change the subject to something less traumatic. Like the Taliban, or famine."

Hannah Abbott walked over to the Gryffindor table just then and smiled cheerfully at the assembled shell shocked students. "Hiya! Just talked to Katie and agreed on a plan of action… err, I mean, I agree with her bet." She tossed two Knuts down on the table and smiled again. "Put me down for student inflicted head trauma as well."

"Got it!" Dennis sagged with relief over the topic change as he added her bet to the books.

"Blood thirsty and enthusiastic," Seamus nodded approvingly as he watched the Hufflepuff walk away.

"What is she talking about?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

Justin Finch-Fletchy smiled nervously at Harry as he approached the table. He tentatively placed a sickle down on the table. "I say he falls asleep and wakes up dead one day." He shrugged, backing away slowly. "Happened to Binns."

"Are you…"

Romilda Vane slapped a Galleon onto the table. "I say he chokes on a bag of doctored chocolates." She smiled at Harry, her cloak crinkling ominously.

Su Li rushed over and tossed down five Knuts. "I say he gets put under the Imperius curse and tries to kill Harry, but gets thwarted and winds up in St. Mungo's."

Ginny nodded approvingly. "Mentioning a diabolical scheme to kill Harry. Always a safe bet." Su smiled proudly.

"Wait a minute," Hermione held up her hand commandingly, frowning. "Are you seriously betting on the fate…"

"Let me see if I have this straight," Parvati interrupted. She consulted her notes. "In the last five years, two teachers have actively tried to kill you, and three have tried to hurt you. The ones that tried to kill you wound up dead and kissed by a Dementor, so basically dead. The ones who merely tried to hurt you wound up obliviated, a trusted friend, and continues to be employed by the ministry?"

Harry thought about it for a minute, opening his mouth automatically as Luna shoved a Greek olive under his nose. "Yep, that's about right."

"Now wait just a damn minute…"

"Right," Parvati nodded to herself before reaching into her bag and pulling out three sickles and a Knut. "He reviews your track record, decides to do absolutely nothing, and spends the rest of his life in a small religious cult in Mozambique."

Harry sighed wistfully. "That'll be the day."

Hermione stood up, slapping her hands on the table to get everyone's attention. "Making money by attempting to determine the fate of this years Defense Against The Dark Arts instructor is tacky and tasteless!"

"No it's not," Dean argued. "It's an easy way to make some quick cash and, umm..."

"Promote school unity," Neville piped in helpfully.

"How can you possibly justify this behavior?"

Ron eyed the sausage sitting on his plate contemplatively. "Aren't there more interesting things we could be talking about?"

Harry followed Ron's gaze and grinned. He slapped a galleon of his own down onto the table. "I bet Draco and his Slytherins get tired of the teachers ineptitude and take him out in a way no one can trace back to them since they will have iron clad alibis!"

Ginny narrowed her eyes. "All right little Miss High And Mighty, what's this years teacher's name?"

"It's Professor, umm, professor… well, that's not the point!"

"Of course it's not." Ginny smiled smugly. "You can't remember his name, but you want to defend his honor?"

"Fine." Hermione smiled sweetly as she reached into her bag and withdrew a galleon. "I bet he decides to write a tell all book on his experience working in such a morally bankrupt location. That way _everyone_ will know his name!" She stood up in a huff. "And I will help him research it!"

Dean watched Crabbe and Goyle put down their utensils and follow her out of the Great Hall. "Hate to say it, mate, but you may have to fight for your girlie after all." Seamus sighed, got up, and trudged dispiritedly out of the room.


	23. Number 95

Number 95: I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

HDHDHD

Harry rubbed his scar wearily. "I didn't even know you liked Dean."

Hermione shrugged indifferently. "I neither like nor dislike him." She pondered this. "I'm rather indifferent to him, although I do find him terribly amusing when under the influence of mind altering chemicals."

"And yet you think his ideas are brilliant?"

"No," she shook her head patronizingly. "My _daddy_ thinks his _metaphors_ are brilliant."

Seamus looked up hopefully. "So Dean's not competiton?"

"What?" Hermione looked thourally confused. "Competition? Is he starting a political reform too?"

"Sorry I ever doubted you mate." Seamus slapped Dean companionably on the back.

"No problem," Dean answered in amusement. "Now that we have established I am not violating Rule 2 of The Guy Code, would you mind telling me which metaphor I said that you find particularly interesting?"

Hermione eyed them all suspiciously for a moment before shaking it off. "When you told me to bend it like Beckam and break the goalies nose." The guys blinked. Hermione rolled her eyes. "See, I wrote home and complain…er, discussed the situation with my parents. Daddy says people who apply sports tactics to their ideals are generally successful." She consulted her notes. "People frequently refer to motivational speeches coaches' use, like Herb Brooks when he led the U.S. Olympic Hockey Team to victory. Or," she smirked, "like the New Zealand All Blacks doing their Maori dance before each game to psych out the opposition."

Dean eyed Hermione warily. "So we are all supposed to dress up in Adidas outfits and bust out in a reverential Haka?"

She sighed. "Of course not. We're supposed to go on the offensive. See, we've been pretty quiet since we were summarily ordered back to class. We have a large group of supporters, as well as two teachers on the inside."

Lavender looked skeptical. "Is this a political reform or a bank job?"

Hermione sighed again. "Utilizing our sources," she continued, "I have come to the conclusion that so long as Voldemort presents a threat, Dumbledore will continue to thwart our progress in any way he can, under the guise of protecting us."

Harry glared at his friend. "Look, I'm all for shaking things up, causing a bit of havoc," he gestured vaguely, "Carpe Diam and all that jazz. But _why_ do I have to be the one to initiate a peace treaty with Voldemort?"

"Because I'm a Mudblood," Hermione explained patiently.

"I'm a half blood."

"You've managed to cross him and survive about," she broke off and counted. "As a baby, first year in the forest, getting the stone, memory from a book, graveyard, ministry building. Six times."

"Sheer dumb luck and timing."

"You're destined to be the one to defeat him."

"Prophecies are for the weak and needy. I am above such machinations."

She pouted, widening her eyes and giving him a crestfallen look. "Because you're my best friend and it's breaking my heart not to realize my dream."

He sighed. "Son of a bitch."

Hermione beamed. "Thank you Harry!"

Ginny looked between the two with interest. "Can anybody learn to manipulate him like that?"

"Nope," Hermione answered briskly. "Now, after talking to Mr. Goyle and Mr. Crabbe, I have decided that the best thing to do would be to…"

"Hang on a minute," Parvati interrupted. "_Mr._ Goyle and _Mr._ Crabbe?" She shook her head. "Well, at least triads are supposed to be magically stronger than regular unions." Seamus sighed pitifully.

"Triads…." Hermione trailed off, shaking her head in denial. "Never mind, I don't want to know. Yes, Mr. Crabbe and Mr. Goyle. Crabbe and Goyle's parents. They've been helping me in my crusade."

Neville stared at her in shock. "Their _parents_ have been helping you?"

"Of course," she blinked. "How else do you think the press and certain high ranking officials in the ministry just _happen_ to show up around the same time?"

Ron eyed her nervously. "Is this like the whole psychological warfare thing? Purely coincidental?" Hermione smiled rather evilly.

"But how?" Neville asked in surprise.

"Well, see, their fathers wanted them to go home and be marked. But Crabbe and Goyle explained that they couldn't possibly be away from school for the several days needed to recover because they were busy protecting me from Dumbledore while I fought to undermine his authority over the school." Hermione smiled fondly. "They're really quite protective of me, you see. Draco assigned them to watch my back, after all."

"I think they're watching it just a bit too closely," Seamus piped up grimly.

"And so because they were protecting you, their parents allowed them not to be summoned?" Ginny looked around the room, baffled. "Am I the only one shocked by this?"

Hermione shrugged negligently. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend," she parroted. "They've been of invaluable assistance." She shook her parchments threateningly. "Now, to get back on topic, going for the offensive. If we take out Voldemort, then Dumbledore will have no need to _protect_ me by forcing me to drop my protests and return to class."

Harry sighed again. "Maybe _I_ can be the one to shave my head, give away all my worldly goods, and join the small religious cult in Mozambique."

Luna patted his hand sympathetically. "I've always thought you'd look good with a name like Clover or Thistle."

"Can I have your Firebolt?" Ron piped up hopefully.

"Can I have Draco?" Luna asked dreamily.

"No," Harry sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Draco would be coming with me. Just because I would be giving away my possessions, do you think he would too? Do you think he would survive without a fast broom or certain comforts?"

"Oh the many ways I could respond to that," Dean snickered to himself.

Lavender looked mildly disturbed. "Well, if we're going to dress up and do war dances in front of the enemy, can we at _least_ assure that the outfits are flattering both to our coloring and body shape?"

Ginny looked dreamy. "Maybe Draco and Harry could slather themselves in coconut oil and wear loin cloths." She blushed, ducking her head as she came under scrutiny. "Purely to get in the spirit of things."

Dean snickered, turning to Seamus with a cocky grin. "Why do I suddenly feel the urge to cackle and yell out, 'dance cabana boy, dance!'"

Seamus laughed. "Mad TV has truly inspired the masses."

Dennis Creevey entered the common room just then and tossed a sack of coins in front of Harry. He nodded politely at the assembled students, before turning and heading back to the portrait hole. "Where are you going?" Ginny asked.

"To find Katie and Hannah," Dennis replied wearily. He winked at Harry. "See, somehow the staircase our esteemed Defense teacher was walking up mysteriously vanished. A group of Slytherins talking to Professor Sprout just _happened_ to be close by and assisted in taking him to the Hospital Wing." He gestured to the sack of money in front of Harry. "So, since they were talking to a teacher, they naturally knew nothing about the spell encoded to activate upon recognizing the teachers magical signature."

Harry started laughing. "I really do love him," he sighed affectionately.

"Who?" Ron asked.

Neville ignored Ron. "And you're going to find Katie and Hannah because…"

Dennis shrugged. "Technically, it was still a student induced head trauma, even if there are no witnesses to back it up. But on the flipside, Lupin's coming back to finish teaching for the rest of the year." He waved goobye.

"I've always appreciated bloodthirsty and enthusiastic girls," Seamus sighed. He eyed Hermione hopefully. "Especially ones in black leather holding whips."

"Now," Hermione ignored the interruption, "I was thinking a letter of intent would peak Voldemort's interest. You could discuss how fighting together, or him giving up all together, would benefit you both as well as the wizarding culture. Then you could outline where you see the future of the wizarding world headed, as well as how him causing deaths to people he deems inferior are both unnecessary and anti-motivational to the cause." She looked up, pleased with her idea, and paused when she saw the students gaping at her. "What?" she asked defensively.

"You don't care that students attacked a teacher?" Parvati asked slowly.

Harry snorted. "Technically, the first time I attacked a teacher I was eleven. Then I did it again when I was twelve. Again at thirteen. Again at fourteen. And, oh yes, again at fifteen. Hermione helped when she was thirteen and fifteen." He shrugged. "By now she's pretty much jaded to the inevitability of a teacher suffering at least once a year."

"I see." Parvati blinked. "Maybe I could join you in Mozambique. I hear they have pretty beaches there."

Luna hummed. "You could change your name to Butterfly and practice your wind dancing." She paused, frowning, as she thought about it. "Although you may want to forego the coconut oil. When you're wind dancing it might cause sand to stick in unwanted places."

Hermione sighed, smacking Harry upside the head with her parchments. "Hello? Peace treaty?"

"What are you going to do once you get Voldemort's attention?" Neville asked cautiously.

"Well, I was thinking that if he refuses Harry could vanquish him or at least hurt him. If he agrees, it's a win win situation for everyone. And if he lies, well" she shrugged pragmatically, "Harry could just double cross him and once again flee for his life." She smiled apologetically at Harry. "No offense, honey."

"None taken."

"Ok," Dean stood up and held out his hand to Lavender. "We'll go to the library and look up ways Harry's could phrase his request without making Voldmort want to hunt him down and kill him more than he already wants to. Ready Bonnie?"

Lavender grinned, accepting Dean's hand and letting him pull her to her feet. "You got it, Clyde."

Ron perked up hopefully. "I can go find Blaise and see if he has any suggestions?"

Ginny pulled Ron back down into his chair. "Blaise's family has a history of neutrality. What could he possibly do to help?" Ron crossed his arms and sulked.

"And I'll go find Draco," Harry announced happily, "since his family is decidedly _not_ neutral and he _can_ help me."

Luna nodded wisely. "Just don't meet in his room again. The chi is not balanced there, and I don't think the environment is conducive for serious conversations."

"I know," Harry winked.

Hermione watched him walk away and sighed. "Why do I get the feeling they won't be discussing my plan."

Seamus gave her a hopeful look. "I can help you go practice cracking the whip," he offered. Hermione gave him a dubious look, but allowed him to steer her towards his room. "After all," he continued happily, "it's always best to have a Plan B."


	24. Number 60

ADD'L DISCLAIMER: Evil Overlord List is brilliant… but, alas, it is not mine. It can be found at: /lists/overlord.html

_This __**Evil Overlord List**__ is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached._

HDHDHD

Number 60: I am no longer allowed to use the words "Pimp Cane" in front of Draco Malfoy

- with reference to Number 44: I will not owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters – Couldn't do it completely, because Harry already bonded with the suspected Death Eaters when he mailed off his Wizard of Oz themed letters, yes? But, I read the list and cackled maniacally, so I had to somehow include it…

HDHDHD

"Err…." Harry looked less than impressed. "I do not doubt you Hermione, I swear. Because I love you. And…fear you, just a bit. But _why_ again do we need to chain ourselves together in front of the school?"

Hermione sighed, handing her clipboard to Crabbe and directing Goyle to pass around the handcuffs before turning back to her friend. "Harry," she began patiently, a slightly fanatical gleam in her eye. "Seamus is right! We need to get more aggressive! You're working on the peace treaty with Voldemort, yes?" Harry nodded warily. "Well, if we crack the whip in this direction as well, then Dumbledore won't know who to pay attention to more! Then, once his attention is divided, we can sneak around him and break his nose."

Dean gave Hermione a slightly startled look. "That wasn't _quite_ the analogy I used…"

Lavender turned and smacked Seamus. "You just _had_ to teach her how to crack a whip, didn't you?"

"Oh yes." Seamus' voice was decidedly breathless. "Yes, I did."

"You gave her a whip?" Neville looked torn between fascination and shock. "I don't really think that's the best idea."

Hermione shrugged dismissively. "Well, I gave it to Draco to borrow for awhile. He said it would help with his negotiations."

Green eyes glazed over slightly. "You gave the whip to Draco?" The Gryffindors scoffed. Harry ignored his friends. "OK, honey, I'll pretend to understand if that's what it takes to keep you happy." Hermione beamed.

Parvati rolled her eyes. "Well I won't." She raised her eyebrows at her friend. "How, exactly, is chaining ourselves to the school going to be productive?"

Lavender wrinkled her nose. "And must we wear that hideous orange jumpsuit?"

Hermione shrugged. "Well, it worked for Amnesty International. But," she conceded thoughtfully, "it would appear less staged it everyone wore what they wanted to wear. Ok, no jumpsuits." Lavender cheered, tossing the ugly orange thing into the air and lighting it on fire.

"Hey Luna?" Everyone turned to see Ginny looking over to the left with a decidedly odd expression on her face. "What are you doing?"

Luna looked up from her booth where she, Pansy, and Daphne were stationed. "Hi guys," she waved happily. Each girl was collecting money as they passed out bundles of pastries and sheets of paper. The booth itself was decorated with a moving picture of the Dark Mark, and sign advertising 'COME TO THE DARK SIDE – WE HAVE COOKIES! Donations required.'

"Come to the dark side," Ron repeated with wide eyes. "Uh, Luna, you're not a Death Eater."

Daphne sighed. "You don't have to be a Death Eater to develop an appreciation for everything not happy and light. Not everyone is born to be one bug fucking ray of sunshine."

"Besides," Luna added brightly. "Delegations from the ministry are going to be at the protest this morning and we want them to feel welcome."

Dean looked at the sign. "Shouldn't it say that donations are welcome?"

"No." Pansy glared at the Hufflepuff in front of her until he shoved the sickle back in his pocket and pulled out a Galleon to donate instead. She smirked as he ran off before turning back to the Gryffindors. "No benefactor will take you seriously if you can't put your money where your mouth is. And with a big movement like this, you need money."

Hermione nodded thoughtfully. "I like the way you think."

Seamus gave Hermione an adoring look. "I love the smell of corruption in the morning."

"I like your idea of handcuffing," Luna happily continued passing out cookies and papers. "But I don't need to borrow yours. Mine have purple feathers on them, which are just so much friendlier, so I'll just use them."

Neville blinked. "You have your own handcuffs?"

Ginny picked up one of the papers and made a strangled sort of noise in the back of her throat. "And what is this?"

Daphne glanced over. "Oh that was Harry's idea."

Ron read over Ginny's shoulder. "One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation." He paused confused. "Harry, what is this?"

Lavender plucked the list from Ginny's hand and skimmed it. "I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set." She shrugged, looking thoughtful. "That's actually a good idea. I mean, Death Eater robes and masks are soooo ugly and uncomfortable looking. What self respecting woman would want to kill people while decked out like that?"

Neville coughed something that sounded suspiciously like "Bellatrix" before grabbing his own copy. "I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)" He looked up. "Harry?"

Harry looked sheepish. "Well, see, I was in… the library…studying…with Draco, and he got mad because I was talking about his father's pimp cane."

Pansy burst out laughing. "You called Lucius Malfoy's staff a 'pimp cane?'"

"Well, it is," Harry said defensively. "I mean, seriously, have you seen the way he swaggers when he carries it? And the way he caresses it while talking?" He shuddered. "You can't _get_ more 'pimp cane' than that."

"Potter," a dark voice drawled behind him. Harry winced, turning with a sheepish expression to look at the irate blond walking towards him. "What did I tell you about uttering the words 'pimp cane' in correlation with my father?"

"He wasn't trying to be insulting," Luna interrupted, thrusting a cookie into Draco's mouth. "He was simply explaining the origins of his Evil Overlord List."

"Evil Overlord List," Dean repeated incredulously. He started laughing. "This is how you plan to defeat Voldemort? By telling him all the things he did wrong?" Harry flushed. Dean laughed harder. "If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature." He passed the list to Hermione. "Well, we all know how that one turned out, don't we?"

Parvati giggled helplessly. "I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

Ron looked confused. "How did you get from Malfoy's pimp cane to this?"

Draco growled. "It is _not_ a pimp cane! It is a representation of his power!"

Even Daphne gave him an odd look for that. Dean looked like he was choking. "Pimp canes are traditionally used to beat women when they don't bring home enough money from sex. No wonder Draco was insulted, Harry. You basically said that Lucius pimps his wife out for sex!"

"No," Neville shook his head contemplatively. "Narcissa's too hot to be used like that." He flushed at the incredulous looks. "Well, she is."

Terry Boot, wandering over to the table, happened to overhear that last statements. "Well," he thoughtfully munched on a biscuit. "That would explain how the Malfoy family always seems to keep their wealth and social standing no matter what."

Draco whipped out his wand and pointed it at the Ravenclaw. "Liften Separatis Crotchum." Terry blanched, made a gurgling noise, and staggered away towards the school.

"Now that was just a bit unnecessary," Hermione remarked critically.

"You want to repeat that?" Draco gave her a dangerous look.

Hermione arched an eyebrow. "You want to give me my whip back?" Draco backed down. Hermione looked smug. "Thought so." She clapped her hands together, raising her voice to attract the attention of the masses. "Places everyone!"

Dean and Seamus both took a copy of the list with them, spelling it to remain on the ground before them as they snapped their handcuffs into place and joined the ever growing human slinky. "I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung."

Draco sulked. "Thanks Potter. Now everyone things my father is a whore."

Harry patted Draco's arm comfortingly. "Well, he is just a bit feminine; carrying around that pimp ca… staff. Carrying around that staff, and all." Draco glowered at the ground, muttering obscenities under his breath. "But up until I was fifteen I feared him as a devious representation of pure evil."

Draco brightened noticeably. "Really?"

"Really."

Hermione stood up and address the gathered students, her stance confident as flashbulbs went off from the media. "The educational system at Hogwarts is antiquated and weak. The standards are not up to par with such notable schools as Beaubaxtons and Durmstrang. In both of those schools, ghosts are prohibited from teaching, and standardized testing is conducted to ensure proper growth and development is taking place. Hogwarts needs to change with the times or fall to the underlings! We shall not rest until all students are granted the education they deserve!" Dramatically, she stepped into place in line, snapping the handcuffs around her wrists and tossing her head back proudly.

Dean eyed her thoughtfully. "I think we should chip in and get Hermione a pimp cane for Christmas."

Seamus drooled slightly. "If she's half as good with the cane as she is with the whip…"

Susan and her Hufflepuffs once again linked arms and began singing. They went through We Shall Overcome, Times They Are A Changin', Dust In The Wind, This Little Light Of Mine, and finally burst into a lively rendition of George Michael's Freedom.

Draco sighed. "Ok. I came, I allowed myself to be handcuffed, I'm done now. How much longer must I remain amongst these infidels?"

Harry sighed. "At least an hour, then we can magic our escape. We're being supportive of Hermione's needs."

"Pansy didn't have to be chained up like an animal." Draco pouted.

"Yes, well, she's manning the booth." Harry looked over to where Pansy was using her wand to magic a money sack out of someone's robe and deposit it in their donation bin. "She has a savvy business sense." He leaned over and kissed Draco's pouting lips. "If you want," he offered, "we can get _you_ a pimp cane…errs, a staff. We can get _you_ a _staff_ for Christmas."

Neville snorted. "Oh yes, I can just see that _staff_ being used in a G-rated format."

Ron looked confused. "What else would you use a staff for? And what's a pimp? Is Draco a pimp?"

"A junior one," Lavender agreed. "He's still in training."

"How did the subject of Lucius' pimp cane even come up in the peace treaty discussion, anyway?" Parvati ignored Draco's furious growl.

"He's the go-between between Voldemort and I," Harry clarified. "Before I can get to the crazy bastard to talk to him, we have to agree on who gets what weapons, minions, and odds in their favor during the discussion. Plus, we have to sign a blood oath that we won't try to kill each other, or send our sycophants to kill the other, until at least an hour after negotiations are concluded."

Dean chuckled again. "And Lucius brought his pimp cane to the meetings with him? Nice."

"Is that where this one came from?" Seamus read off from the list. "I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant."

Harry snorted. "Yes, well, Malfoy's have unusually high opinions of themselves." Draco narrowed his eyes warningly. "With good reason," he hastily amended.

Draco glared at Harry. "One more time, Potter. One more time, and I will be unavoidably detained or too tired for the next month at least!" Harry sighed, shoulders drooping.

Parvati gave Draco an unimpressed look. "No one likes a bossy bottom, you know."

"Is that a Muggle insult?" Ron looked curious.

Dumbledore came out onto the school steps with McGonagall and Flitwick just then. He closed his eyes and sighed when he saw the chained and singing students, and the media personnel conducting interviews with ministry officials, concerned parents, and outraged students. Pansy generously offered them cookies; free of charge. "Oh dear," Minerva took a delicate bite of one of the cookies. "What _have_ the children been up to now?" The headmaster had no chance to reply before the media set upon him like vultures.

From off to the side, Lucius Malfoy appeared. He observed the scene with gleaming eyes, stroking his…staff… lovingly. Dean snickered. Harry quietly stood up and released Draco. "Well, we're off for negotiations," he announced brightly. "Cover us."

"Have fun," Seamus offered dryly.

Neville looked down at the list for a minute and then yelled after Harry. "Remember! If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell."

"I still don't get it." Ron looked frustrated. "Bottom of what?"


	25. Number 183

182. I may not have a private army.

183. Even if it technically belongs to someone else.

HDHDHD

"Oh Harry…" Draco trailed off, gray eyes shining with tears. He stood, torn between fascination and horror, staring at the boy before him. Harry ignored the blond, not even bothering to turn his head in acknowledgement. Bewildered, upset, Draco turned to the man beside him. "How did this happen?"

Lucius Malfoy stroked his staff…affectionately, and shook his head. "I have absolutely no idea, Draco."

"Kill HIM! KILL him! I said KILL HIM!"

Wormtail wrung his hand anxiously. "My Lord?"

"Damn it Wormtail!" Voldemort threw the controller in his hand down in disgust. "You threw off my groove! How can I defeat Gnasty Gnorc if you throw off my groove! Crucio!"

"Stop it Voldemort!" Harry gave the Dark Lord an irritated look before turning back to the screen before him. "Just because you died doesn't mean I have to!" Voldemort's eyes gleamed for a moment. "Blood oath," Harry reminded him calmly, smirking as the older man scowled and sighed.

"My Lord?" Walden Macnair approached cautiously. "Mr. Potter? What is all this stuff?"

"Yeah Harry," Draco chimed in, perching on the edge of the brunette's chair. "How did you charm a purple dinosaur to stay in that box?"

"I didn't charm him," Harry patiently explained. "That's Spyro. He's on a quest to defeat Gnasty Gnorc and reclaim all the jewels and dinosaur eggs that were stolen from his kingdom." He smiled as he rested his head against Draco's side. "I'm trying to convince Voldemort here that Muggles aren't all bad, and those," he gestured behind him, "didn't quite do the trick."

"And what," Lucius asked scornfully, pointing his staff at the pile of discarded lumps of plastic sitting innocuously on the table, "are _those_?"

"Well _that,_" he pointed, "is an Atari Games system. Voldemort really liked Xybots until, well…"

"Until I realized we were trying to STOP the robots!"

Mulciber looked intrigued. "Robots? Is that what they were?" He turned to his surrounding Death Eaters. "I was watching them play and I thought they were Inferi."

"Not quite." Harry looked slightly alarmed by the speculative look on the Dark Lord's face. "And he liked it well enough until he realized we were trying to stop the robots that were hunting humans."

"Ahh," the Death Eaters nodded in understanding; glaring at the offending machine in betrayal.

"And that?"

"That's a Gameboy." Harry brightened. "I tried to teach him Tetris, but he became discouraged when he couldn't complete as many levels as I did."

"I was not discouraged." Voldemort spoke from between clenched teeth. "I simply became frustrated by the monotony of the actions and wished to play something else."

Harry smirked. "Oh, of course. Please excuse me."

"And that?" Lucius swept his staff commandingly to the side, indicating the last discarded item.

Voldemort sulked. "The green one hated me and I couldn't even torture him properly!"

"The green one?" Macnair eyed the gray machine in confusion.

"Yoshi," Draco supplied helpfully. He flushed under the look of disapproval his father sent him.

"That's an N64," Harry swiftly interjected. "He thought Yoshi was banal and King Kupa was misunderstood." He shook his head, before reaching in front of him and patting the newest machine lovingly. "But this, _this_ is a Sony Playstation."

Wormtail looked confused. "I thought you said it was a Spyro?"

"Nope, that's simply a game." He picked up a red case and sighed. "Voldemort didn't like Frogger 2; because the objective was to rescue the frogs instead of kill them. But Spyro," he smiled at the machine again. "Spyro gets to fly around and collect jewels and is revered by the masses." He snorted. "Can you see the basis of its appeal?"

"How did you get all these?" Wormtail asked curiously. "I thought the Muggles who raised you hated you."

"Oh they do," Harry reassured, glaring darkly at the ex Marauder. "But they spoiled Dudley. He got all the newest games and toys. Once he broke them, they were put in my room. Fred and George found most of them when they sprung me back in second year and fixed them up for me." He leaned over, fiddling with a button on the boom box next to him. Seconds later, the opening strains of 'Down In A Hole' by Alice In Chains reverberated around the room. Harry smiled at the startled Death Eaters. "This is a compilation CD I stole from Piers. I like to think of it as my theme music."

Voldemort poked at the music box irritably with his wand. "Play the one I like." Harry sighed, hitting the next button until 'Jeremy' by Pearl Jam could be heard. Voldemort smiled, bobbing his head in time with the beats and singing along. "… King Jeremy the wicked ruled his world…" He grinned evilly. "Now _that's_ what I call music."

"And this?" Macnair was laughing as he reached into the box the games had been brought over in. Harry and Draco flushed a deep scarlet. Macnair waved the paddle in his hand, giggling with mirth. "What game is this?"

Draco glared at Harry, unimpressed as green eyes closed in mortification. "Sorry," Harry whispered contritely. "I must have put that away in the wrong box of toys."

Lucius looked suspiciously between his son and the Boy Who Lived. "And why," he asked icily, "would that _thing _be considered a toy?"

Harry eyed the way Lucius was stroking the top of his staff and coughed out something sounding like "pimp cane." Draco glared.

"My Lord?" Macnair looked at Voldemort, trying to gain his attention so the meeting could progress.

The Dark Lord, however, was attempting to navigate around Gnorc Cove while singing along to 'Head Like A Hole' by Nine Inch Nails. "Bow down before the one you serve…"

Macnair sighed, shaking his head in resignation, and turned back to the arguing boys. "Mr. Potter? Mr. Malfoy?"

"Draco!" Lucius barked out, waving his staff threateningly.

Harry shrunk back. "Keep your pimp cane away from me you perv!"

Mulciber snickered, turning to Macnair. "Pimp cane?"

"What is this?" Voldemort looked disgusted as he gestured to the boom box.

"Err…" Harry flushed as he recognized 'Mmm Bop' by Hanson.

"I like it," Wormtail smiled as he bopped along to the beat.

A funny look crossed Voldemort's face as 'I Can't make You Love Me' by Bonnie Raitt played. He ignored his Death Eaters and fighting visitors. "That's all I ever really wanted," he sniffed. Harry gave him an odd look. "I wanted to be accepted and loved. But, just like she says, I can't make you love me, if you won't."

"My Lord?" Lucius looked alarmed by the damp eyed Dark Lord.

"You really think we can work together?"

"Definitely!" Harry nodded enthusiastically. Voldemort looked thoughtful. "And," Harry swiftly added, "I've heard they're already in production for a Playstation _Two_!" He patted Voldemort's arm. "You wouldn't want to kill the Muggles before it was completed would you?"

"I wouldn't have to be nice, would I?" he asked suspiciously.

"Just a bit patronizing from time to time," Draco supplied hastily.

Harry smiled. "But you would have to stop killing Muggles, torturing Half Bloods, and using the word Mudblood." Voldemort frowned. "In public, at least."

"…you need a holiday!" Madonna warbled in the background.

"You can use a whip as long as you pass it off as a toy," Draco offered. Harry shivered, remembering that Hermione had let the blond borrow hers.

"We'll try it," Voldemort sighed at last. "On a temporary basis," he shouted over Draco and Harry's cheers. "If I don't like playing…nice," he spat out the word, "then I reserve the right to kill you."

"Of course!" Harry agreed cheerfully. He grabbed Draco's hand, pulling the blond to his feet as he strode towards the exit. "Come to the protest with us! We can introduce everyone to my new army, talk to the press, and undermine Dumbledore in one swoop!"

"My Lord, do you realize what you've agreed to?" Wormtail asked in shock.

"So I'm back up in the game, running things like half my swing…letting all the people know, that I'm back to run the show!" Harry grinned to himself, rubbing his hands together as he grooved along to Return of The Mac. "I've always wanted my own army."

Draco gave him a disgusted look. "Your horde of obsessed groupies not enough for you anymore, Potter?"

Their Portkey landed them amidst utter chaos. The students were still chained together, the Hufflepuffs had moved on to a passionate harmony of Gimme Shelter by the Rolling Stones, more and more parents were arriving, and McGonagall had abandoned Dumbledore to help Pansy and a still handcuffed Luna run the pastry booth. Hermione noticed them first and hurried over with a pleased yet startled expression on her face.

"You're one to talk!" an irate parent screamed in the background; straining forward as she tried to hit Dumbledore with her THE END IS NIGH! Protest sign. "Who do you think you are to deny educational reform you, you… you BOB!"

"Well," Dean offered, surveying the scene with amusement as he joined Harry and Draco. They watched with slight fascination as Hermione and Voldemort posed for pictures of them shaking hands in front of slightly terrified looking reporters. "Talk about the 'power the Dark Lord knows not…' a blond with a pimp cane, a Muggle born with a whip, and the ability to make parents want to beam the most revered wizard in decades over the head with a protest sign." He slapped Harry on the back affectionately. "Well done mate."

Harry crossed his arms over his chest and sulked. "Look at her," he complained, jerking his head in the direction of where Hermione, still flanked by Crabbe and Goyle, was organizing the Death Eaters that had arrived with them to where she wanted. Professor McGonagall was yelling at one of them over some unfinished homework from last year, others were joining the chained students, and still others were talking to the press about how the children were the future. "That should be _my_ private army. Why does she get all the glory?"

"Because she's scary when she has a cause?" Neville offered helpfully.

"Because you're the hero," Lavender patiently explained. "Hero's just don't do wild militias."

"Because I have the whip," Draco calmly interrupted; gray eyes gleaming. Harry's head snapped around. "And while Granger has the press distracted, no one will be looking for you." Having said his piece, he turned and sauntered back towards the castle. Harry close on his heels.

Seamus rubbed his hands together as he watched the scene unfold. "Viva le resistance."


	26. Number 427

Sorry for the delay! (rolls eyes) Real life and all that jazz! This chap is mostly dedicated to a friend having a crappy week. I had to make sure that even if she didn't like the chapter, the prompt would, at least, guarantee a smile :)

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Number 427: I am not allowed to say, "S'Matter Sev? Lucius not putting out?" Unless, of course, I want to die.

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Dean Thomas woke up slowly; smiling sleepily to himself as the bright sunlight pouring through his window alerted him to the fact it was going to be a beautiful day. He lay in bed a moment longer; stretching and enjoying the lazy tranquility of the morning, before frowning in confusion as a muffled sort of noise drew his attention. Ron was still snoring away in his corner of the room, Neville was sound asleep clutching a book on aquatic plants and twitching occasionally, and Seamus… was holding a camera and tiptoeing on bare feet to Harry's bed. Where the muffled sort of noise was escaping through the closed curtains.

Seamus looked over at Dean and winked; holding his finger over his mouth in a universal 'shush' symbol. Grinning wickedly, he held his camera steady, pulled back the curtain on Harry's bed, and... "Oh," he said in disappointment.

Harry froze; the half eaten piece of Lindt chocolate hovering inches before his mouth. He looked around in surprise and guilt for a moment before awkwardly clearing his throat. "Erm… morning?"

"Morning?" Seamus questioned in disgust; tossing his camera onto his unmade bed and giving Harry a look of deep disappointment. "That's all you have to say?"

"Well what am I supposed to say?"

Dean started laughing, propping himself up on his elbows as Seamus flung himself on Harry's bed and stole a piece of chocolate. "Harry, you were behind closed curtains and moaning. I think Seamus thought he would be able to get a… artistic picture."

"Yeah," Seamus agreed petulantly; stuffing the sweet into his mouth. "Where's your love toy?"

"Draco's not a toy." Harry frowned at his friend, holding the opened box of chocolates protectively to his chest. He irritably swatted at Seamus' hands as he tried to grab the candy. "And don't talk about him like that."

"I'll talk about him any way I want until he gives the whip back to Hermione."

Harry sighed, looking at the doorway rather wistfully. "Can you really blame me for sitting in bed eating chocolate, though? Draco's in his room and Voldemort is feeling ridiculously happy." He tapped his scar. "I can feel it."

"Ah." Dean nodded seriously. "Substituting chocolate for sex. Many a person has fallen from glory due to that."

The trio was laughing as they showered, dressed, and made their way out of the tower. They chatted about educational reform, whips, toys, and what to do with formerly evil Dark Lords as they joined the quay outside the Great Hall. "What's going on?" Seamus looked eagerly over the head of a third year. "Is Hermione here? Did she get the whip back?"

"Down boy." Dean rolled his eyes and gave his friend a disgusted look. "Can't you at least pretend you still have a backbone?"

Luna giggled as she floated to their side and dropped her head on Harry's shoulder. "We're waiting," she dreamily informed them as she surreptitiously changed the color of Seamus' robes to bright purple with blue spots and pink stripes. "They're having a conference before breakfast and it was becoming too loud for the students to remain." She shook her head regretfully. "Voldemort has _such _a potty mouth."

Harry blinked at the blonde. "A potty mouth?"

"Umm," she agreed, already moving towards the entrance to the Great Hall. "Though I suppose it would be all right if you went in. Being as, you know, you _are_ the one responsible for bringing them together." The three Gryffindors exchanged slightly confused glances as they allowed Luna to lead them into the hall.

Whatever they were expecting, it certainly was not the image of Voldemort draped casually in Dumbledore's golden throne chair while the headmaster stood to the side yelling. Hermione was there with her two bodyguards, naturally, along with Professor McGonagall, Professor Snape, Auror Tonks, Lucius Malfoy, Walden McNair, Rufus Scrimgeour, Rita Skeeter, and Amelia Bones. Harry and his friends stopped walking; utterly surprised. Luna ignored everyone and danced over to the Ravenclaw table where she sat and gazed intently at her plate setting.

""Err..." Harry took a slight step back as everyone's attention snapped to him. Dean patted his shoulder supportively, making no more to step out from behind Harry. Seamus just sighed and gave Hermione a besotted look.

"Potter," Snape snarled; looking far more unsettled than Harry had _ever_ seen him. "You had best have a damn good explanation for this."

"Now Severus…" Dumbledore and Voldemort started at the same time; both stopping to glare at each other with mutual disgust and distrust.

"Harry," Hermione beamed a welcome at him; brown eyes sparkling like a child given free reign in a toy store. "There you are! We've made wonderful progress in our campaign! Amelia Bones and Walden McNair," she gestured to the frowning woman on her right and the smirking man standing to the left of Voldemort, "have agreed to head the PTA, and," she gestured once again, "Auror Tonks has agreed to act as the liaison for the Muggle born students so all parents can be involved in their children's education." Tonks looked highly uncomfortable, but changed her hair to fuscia in welcome.

"And, of course," Lucius Malfoy cut in smoothly, gray eyes gleaming as he ran a hand up and down the smooth contours of his… staff. "I and the rest of the Board of Governors will be working closely with them to monitor the school's compliance." He inclined his head gracefully. "Severus has graciously offered to share his lodgings with me until such time as a hand on involvement is deemed unnecessary." Snape opened his mouth, looked at the two powerful wizards fighting over a chair, and settled on glaring at the blond.

Rufus Scrimgeour puffed out his chest, talking more to Rita Skeeter than Harry. "We at the Ministry feel it is our duty, nay, our obligation, to assist in shaping the minds of tomorrow."

Professor McGonagall gave the man a withering look. Harry and Dean snickered as the man visibly wilted. Luna sighed morosely over at the Ravenclaw table, still gazing intently at her empty plate. "Can't there at least be tea?"

"Of course," Voldemort answered smoothly. He snapped his fingers, summoning his personal house elf, and directed it to the girl before turning a cold smile onto the reporter. "I care about our future generation as well." He gestured to the smoldering Dumbledore. "And am willing to do my part to help them along." He glared at the photographer cowering behind Skeeter until the man nervously snapped off several shots of Luna happily drinking tea.

"Err… right." Harry looked around hopefully. "Where's Draco?"

"My son," Lucius began, giving Harry an odd look, "is breaking his fast with his mother this morning. Not that it is any particular concern of yours."

Snape snorted, giving Lucius a maliciously gleeful smile. "Stick around Lucius," he sneered. "Stick around and you will see _precisely_ what your ill begotten son gets up to while you are away."

"Now Severus…" once again Dumbledore and Voldemort glared at each other.

Harry drooped, allowing Dean to drag him and Seamus over to the Gryffindor table. Snape glared in their general direction. "What's the matter?" he taunted; black eyes blazing with frustration at still being a pawn between two masters. "Is the little Golden Boy afraid his little boyfriend will be less affectionate with his father hanging about?" Lucius stiffened, looking between the Potions professor and the student.

"S'Matter Sev?" Harry glared at his teacher, feeling sulky and out of sorts. "Lucius not putting out?"

Luna giggled into her tea; McGonagall merely raised an eyebrow in inquiry; Hermione gave them a dismissive look as she continued talking quietly with Amelia and McNair while making notes of changes she wanted in the curriculum. Rita Skeeter's eyes gleamed. A sharp elbow to the ribs had her photographer snapping pictures of the two men together. Snape gave Harry a look of pure venom and whipped out his wand. Lucius' eyes brightened, the hand stroking his staff tightening imperceptibly. Dumbledore sighed; disarming his livid professor and frowning at his Deputy Headmistress.

Voldemort gave his two henchmen a contemplative look. "Is that why you two never argued convincingly over being sent on assignments together?" he mused aloud,

Snape went red. "My Lord, I assure you we are _not_…"

"It's quite all right Severus," Voldemort waived a pale hand dismissively. "Lucius has already procured an heir and is thus free to see whomever he wishes. Discreetly, of course. Although," he gave Snape a thoughtful look. "The Prince blood line on your mother's side… it would be a shame for that to die out. Be sure not to allow your interlude with Lucius to distract you from wedding and bedding a suitable pureblood."

"My Lord," Snape began tightly. Lucius put a caressing hand on the man's shoulder in… comfort.

Dean tuned out the raging argument and turned to Harry with wide eyes. Even Seamus had managed to stop drooling over Hermione long enough to gaze at his friend in fascinated horror. "Harry," Dean sounded slightly strangled. "You know Snape is still going to be teaching you for the rest of the year, right?"

Harry sighed morosely, rubbing absently at his scar and gazing down at the table top. "I want more chocolate," he said petulantly. "Or Draco." He nodded to himself, seemingly oblivious to the curses now lighting up the room. "I wonder where Draco would be having breakfast with his mum at?"

As if on cue, the majority of the students began cautiously entering the Great Hall. Most of them took in the unorthodox sight and murderous expressions on the adults faces and chose to stay close to the wall. Others, mostly Gryffindors, glanced at the bland face of their Head of House and sat down at their table. Neville joined his friends, never once taking his eyes off the scene before him. "Why is Snape looking over at us like we're specimens he can dissect for potions?"

"Oh don't mind him," Harry sighed, dishing up his plate as the food magically materialized before him. "I can relate. He didn't get any this morning."

"Snape is sleeping with someone?" Draco looked truly shocked as he slid into a seat next to Harry and kissed his cheek. He accepted the enthusiastic hug from Harry and looked over messy black hair to look at the smirking Gryffindors. "Do we know who?"

Seamus grinned wickedly. "Your father."


	27. Number 72

Why? Because I can! ;P

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Number 72: I cannot form my own nation on Hogwarts property.  
a. I cannot name it after any of the founders as those names are copyrighted.  
b. I cannot grant myself diplomatic immunity

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Being as it was far too cold to go outside, the group of friends were gathered in the Gryffindor common room to plan their next moves. Hermione was absent; having recruited Dean and her bodyguards into making motivational posters before walking out of the room. Draco was sitting on the floor with his back propped up against the couch. Both arms were crossed fixedly across his chest while he pouted and glared at the fireplace. Harry lay stretched out on the floor, his head in Draco's lap, gazing morosely at the ceiling. Luna had somehow managed to climb on top of the bookshelf where she waved her wand like a conductor's baton and sang 'Weasley Is Our King' under her breath. Everyone else had settled themselves cozily about the room.

"Junior Potter and Malfoy?" Crabbe shrugged. "You could call it JPotterMalfoy for short."

"Peter Pan Complex," Neville suggested.

Pansy looked confused. "Who the fuck is Peter Pan?"

Harry sighed. "A boy, much like me, who was oft misunderstood by the masses."

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Oft misunderstood?" she quoted. "How about Shakespeare's Whore?"

Luna giggled from atop her bookcase. "Artemis was a widely venerated God associated with the moon. Since Harry is going through his little melancholy, why not Blue Artemis?"

Seamus snorted. "B nothing," he muttered. He brightened, turning to Harry with a hopeful smile. "How about B-Nothing?"

"No," Luna frowned at the ceiling. "I was wrong. Depression should be pretty. And pink. How about Pretty Pink Depression?"

Colin brightened. "What about the I Love Chocs club?"

Fred, or George, who had wandered into the common room to 'help' with the protest, offered; "Why not Vampire April? 'Cause Vampires are cool and our birthday is in April."

Draco glared at the twin. "Harry's birthday is in July."

"So?"

He rolled his eyes; resuming his glaring contest with the fireplace. Blaise shrugged. "If we're going the creature route, sylkies are cooler. Why not Sylkies?"

Dennis sighed happily, giving Harry and Draco a besotted look. "Maybe something romantic? Like star crossed destiny, or The Thornbirds, or Thornbrooke."

Parvati decided to join in the name game. "It should be something whimsical," she decided thoughtfully. "Like wind dancer or Windseeker or something."

"Ooh," Lavender nodded. "Wind is good. What's another element? Water? Why not something to represent Gryffindor? Like Myst Kitten."

Harry turned his head to frown at the blonde. "I told you the name can have nothing to do with the founders! Those names are copyrighted!" He sighed again.

Ginny observed the way Harry rubbed himself against Draco's lap. "Or maybe something practical, like Graballz."

Daphne pressed cool fingers to her temples. "Ye gads you people drive me batty. Why, again, are we forming our own nation on Hogwarts property?"

"Wards," Dean supplied helpfully. "Voldemort is insanely happy right now. Harry ran out of chocolate after lunch and had Draco handcuffed to his bed by eight." He shrugged. "Harry needs a bit of a break before he goes mental. Having our own nation would create wards within the wards of Hogwarts, which may be enough to dull the senses a bit."

"And if it's my own nation," Harry declared petulantly. "I can torture anyone I want or express myself however I choose and have diplomatic immunity too."

Seamus snickered. "After last night even Ron has figured out what a bossy bottom is." Ron shuddered, refusing to look at Draco and Harry. Seamus gave Draco a sly look from the corner of his eye. "Personally, I recommend having Lucius Malfoy as the second in command to Harry's nation. Bet the man would love an excuse to stay in the dungeons long term."

"MY FATHER IS NOT SLEEPING WITH SEVERUS SNAPE!"

"Though I do have to wonder," Seamus ignored the vicious glare he was receiving. "With his unhealthy attachment to his pimp cane, do you think good old' Luscious Lucius bottoms?"

"IT IS NOT A PIMP CANE! IT IS A REFLECTION OF HIS POWER! AND MY FATHER WOULD NOT BOTTOM!"

"Oh definitely," Pansy rolled her eyes. "That man just screams bottom."

"Especially to Snape," Ginny agreed. Ron looked perfectly horrified that his baby sister was joining in on this particular conversation. "Snape seems like the Alpha Top to me."

"Uh huh," Goyle agreed. "This is one situation where the saying 'like father like son' holds true."

"WHAT?!"

"Draco," Dean patiently explained. "You were handcuffed to Harry's bed a mere hour and a half after dinner. Trust me; your silencing spells did NOT last all night."

Draco flushed, sticking his chin in the air haughtily. "That's different."

"How?" Daphne looked at Draco like he was crazy.

"I. It. Because Harry hates Potions," he finished triumphantly.

"Because Harry hates Potions?" Even Crabbe and Goyle looked unimpressed by this logic.

"Yes," Draco scowled. "Potions are stupid. And people who like or teach or practice Potions for fun are evil and unworthy of Malfoy's."

Now Neville looked confused. "But you like Potions."

"Not anymore."

"You know," Lavender tapped a nail against her tooth thoughtfully. "What if, instead of planning for our own nation, we simply set Voldemort up on a date? Then he'll have someone else to focus his energy on."

Pansy arched an eyebrow. "Bellatrix is insane. No one else would willing touch that snake faced bastard. Can you imagine that skin sliding against yours?" The group of kids shuddered collectively. Harry sighed angstily.

Parvati brightened. "We can take out a personal ad for him! You know, something simple like…" she bit her lip in concentration. "Single Dark Lord (SDL) seeks Single Dark Psychotic Female (SDPF) for afternoons plotting world domination. Must hate Muggles, playing nicely with others, and thinks bald is sexy. Turn On's include a mastery of the three Unforgiveables, being able to torture someone for days at a time, and group orgies. Turn Off's include people who plot against him, pimp canes, and most things relating to Harry Potter." She sat back, smiling proudly.

For a moment there was silence. "Gryffindor Chit," Daphne waved a dismissive hand in her direction. "Did it ever occur to you that if the Dark Lord were sexually satiated he would be even happier than he already is?"

Harry groaned, pressing the palms of his hands over his eyes. "Please! No more!" Suddenly he gasped, back arching up, mouth opening on a soundless moan. In two seconds flat he had turned, twisted, and pulled Draco underneath him.

"There they go again," Luna idly commented, watching the boys wrestle on the carpet. Seamus and Colin both grabbed their cameras.

"Are you _sure_ we can't just call it the Harry Potter fan club?" Dennis sighed wistfully.

"Nope," Ginny shook her head; eyes glued to the boys as Harry ripped Draco's shirt off. "That's copyrighted as well."

Ron groaned as he watched Harry dig his fingers into Draco's hips. "I think I preferred it when Harry got sucked into visions instead of simply feeling what You Know Who is feeling." He scowled at the floor.


	28. Number 46b

DISCLAIMER: In addition to not owning Harry Potter or any of its characters, mores the pity, I also do not own the Rocky Horror Picture Show or any variation thereof. Including this ridiculously butchered version of it. Also mores the pity.

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Number 46: It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself too seriously.

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Seamus' step faltered. He gave a slightly nervous look to the boy beside him. "Why am I doing this again?"

Harry giggled. "Because I bought a new whip for Hermione and am holding it ransom."

"Right." Seamus sighed; his eyes going slightly out of focus. "An excellent reason."

Dean sighed, removing Harry's hand from where it was absently rubbing his arm. "I'm not Draco remember?" He patted Harry's shoulder consolingly. "But you can partner with him in class."

Green eyes brightened considerably. "Looking forward to it."

The Gryffindors and Slytherins walking towards the dungeons exchanged worried looks. Except for Pansy and Daphne. They were too busy adjusting the clothing under their robes and fussing with their hair. Not that anyone paid them the slightest bit of notice with the way Harry kept breaking into random giggles and Neville muttered to himself. Almost as though he were memorizing lines. Snape gave them all suspicious looks as they trooped into the class; Neville choosing to sit near the door with Daphne, Harry sitting next to Draco, Seamus and Dean sitting together in the center of the room. The potion of the day was barked out; the students getting to work while Snape retreated behind his desk and glared at everyone.

Seamus rolled his eyes. "Hot damn! Is Lucius still not putting out?" The class seemed to stop breathing. Snape went white with fury as he slowly stood.

"Nah," Millicent Bulstrode offered, not taking her eyes from the potion gently simmering before her. "I know the signs of sexual frustration and that's not it. He's probably just annoyed that Potter's still breathing."

"Ah," Harry nodded, smiling at Draco while his blond continued glaring at Seamus. "So, the usual then." He shook his head regretfully, turning his attention to the man trembling with rage at the front of the class. No one appeared to notice when Neville slipped quietly out the door or Pansy and Daphne met in the back of the classroom. "You know sir," Harry continued conversationally, "it really is a bad idea to take yourself so seriously."

"Exactly," Dean nodded in agreement; swallowing convulsively after the teacher sent him one of his refined death glares. He bravely continued on. "One might presume you aren't human."

No one would admit to seeing who cast it, but two whispered spells later Snape stood before them in heeled black boots, fishnet stockings, silky black panties, a black bustier, and fishnet finger less gloves. Snape, along with the majority of the Slytherins seemed frozen in shock. "I knew it!" Lavender Brown shrieked; jumping to her feet to point at Snape. "I knew you looked too much like Frank-N-Furter for it to be merely coincidence!"

Parvati Patil's eyes were wide with shock. "You mean the Rocky Horror Show is based on fact?"

Seamus' eyes filled with tears. He turned to Harry, giving him a pleading look. "Darling, I swear! He seduced me! I had no choice!"

Harry glared at Seamus. "Don't lie! I saw everything! You wanted it to happen!" Turning to Draco, a muttered spell transfigured his proper school robes into a gold Speedo. Without missing a beat, Harry shoved his potions supplies onto the floor and lay down on top of it; pulling Draco atop his body while singing 'Creature of the Night.'

Snape appeared to snap out of his stupor at the sight. "Mr. Potter!" He glared when his wand was suddenly transfigured into an ice axe.

The roar of a motorcycle filled the classroom seconds before a leather clad Neville burst through the door. Daphne, now sporting a slightly altered French maid's uniform, let out an undignified squeal and shrieked. "It's Eddie!" Pansy, standing beside her wearing striped shorts, a gold brocade vest, and a sparkly gold top hat, clapped her hands in excitement.

Draco, still clad in his gold Speedo, managed to shove himself off Harry. "What the hell?"

"I can answer that!" Dean revealed; a glamour dropping over his features.

"Dr. Everett Scott!" Harry and Seamus chimed in unison.

"Who?" Theodore Nott looked entertained but confused.

"Our old science teacher," Seamus explained loftily.

"But secretly," Dean cackled, waving his wand threateningly, "I am a scientist trying to take down Frank N Furter."

"What?" Draco looked between the groupings of students in shock.

"He created you Rocky," Harry explained with a wink.

"No he didn't." Still confused, Draco ignored the way Harry's hands were roving over his body. "Narcissa and Lucius created me. It's a well documented fact."

Harry chose to ignore the perplexed blond. "Places!" he shouted.

The desks closest to Harry were shoved backwards. Harry, Pansy, Daphne, Dean, Seamus, and even Lavender and Parvati once they figured out what was going on, all stood in uniform fashion. "It's just a jump to the left," Seamus started.

"And then you step to the ri – i- i- i- i- i – ight," Pansy sang.

"Put your hands on your hips," Dean instructed.

Pansy smirked at Draco. "And bring your knees in tight."

"But it's the pelvis thrust," Parvati chimed in.

"That really drives you insa –a – a- a - a- ane!" Daphne belted out.

Harry led the way, shimmying and spreading his spirit fingers over his head as they all chorused; "Let's do the time warp again!"

They jumped to the side in tandem with the music in their head while the Muggle born students sang along and bopped in time to the beat. This time Lavender was in the lead as they repeated; "Let's do the time warp again!"

Snape glared at his students, taking a threatening step towards the closest one. Which just happened to be Neville. "Eddie!" Daphne wailed; pulling at her hair in distress.

Pansy and Daphne turned to Professor Snape holding Superman shield blaster water guns. "You need to go back where you came from!" they yelled; before soaking him. Another whispered spell and a blinding flash of light and burst of smoke covered the room. Snape choked; waving his hands to clear the room. When he finally regained visibility, all the students were properly attired and sitting complacently at their desks working on their potions.

"Are you all right, sir?" Pansy looked at the Potions Master in concern. "You seem rather flushed."

Snape looked down, his hands patting his sides where he was once again attired in his traditional heavy teaching robes. He looked at his wand; the ice axe having disappeared and his traditional wand firmly clenched in his hands. "You look a bit distressed. Maybe you should go to the kitchens and have some cheese," Harry offered. "I love cheese. I find it a great comfort food."

"Cheese?" Seamus snorted. "Don't you mean maybe he should go back to his chambers? I'm sure Lucius has his own brand of 'comfort food' to calm the professor down."

"Perhaps you do need a break, sir." Daphne was all innocence as she prevented Neville from making a foolish mistake with their cauldron. "It's been well documented that not taking breaks at regular intervals can lead to emotional and physical distress."

"Distress," Snape repeated blankly, falling weakly back onto his desk.

"It's true sir," Neville piped up. "Some people experiencing extreme stress even report hallucinations."

"Hallucinations," Snape repeated once again. He looked back down at his wand, his clothes, and around the perfectly undisturbed classroom. "Right." He turned Draco, choosing to accept the blonds' expression of confusion as another example of his mind playing tricks on him. "I need a drink. Draco, you're in charge of the classroom. No fires." With that he turned and walked out the door, pausing to shift uncomfortably as the silk underwear crept up his behind.

In the silence that followed their teacher's departure, Seamus turned to Harry with a pleading expression. "You did very well," Harry grinned approvingly. "It's under my bed wrapped in a bright red bag." Seamus whooped and raced out of the classroom.

Draco found his voice as last. "Are you going to tell me what that was all about?"

"That depends." Harry shrugged. "You going to tell me if my spell work was correct and you are still wearing the gold Speedo?" Without a word Draco stood and exited the classroom; Harry right on his heels.

Neville looked immeasurably satisfied. "Who knew dressing up with leather and entering the classroom on a motorcycle would make Snape crack?"

Ron looked between his friends in shock. "Wait," he muttered, scratching at his head. "I'm confused. If Snape's not the bottom, why was he wearing knickers?"

Dean sighed, kicking his feet up on his desk as he doodled on a sketch pad. Snape was gone; why work? "Nothing wrong with a bit of experimentation, Ron."


	29. Number 9

And a huge shout out to SpunkleMcCats for noticing my glaring error. Which I corrected today :)

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Number 9: I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

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Professor Snape did not appear at the Head Table for meals for the remainder of the day. Nor all day Saturday. Or Sunday, for that matter. When he finally came swaggering into the hall on Monday morning followed by a stiffly walking Lucius Malfoy jauntily swinging his Pimp Cane from side to side, Galleons were surreptitiously exchanged by the enterprising students. Wanting to gloat that he had won three Galleons off the fact that Lucius was, indeed, the bottom in their recently consummated relationship, Theodore Nott's smile turned into a perplexed frown as he realized that neither Draco nor Harry were actually present at the breakfast table.

"Where's Harry?"

As one, Ron and Neville ducked their heads in shame. Blaise grinned. Seamus snorted, not bothering to stop eating breakfast, and Dean directed a pointed look down the table at Ginny. Who promptly blushed scarlet, lowered her head, and hid behind her long red hair. Lavender noted all of this and repeated the question. "Harry? What did you guys do to Harry?"

"I COULDN'T HELP IT!" Ron roared. He blushed as red as his hair and resumed staring at his breakfast in fascination until the attention of the Great Hall left him. "Harry's nutters," he finished weakly.

"Seriously!" Neville savagely buttered his toast. "I mean, I know Draco's a vampire and all, but does he need to bite him _every_ night? And quite so loudly?"

Parvati looked unimpressed. "You _still_ think Draco's a vampire?" She rolled her eyes, holding up a hand to stop their pathetic spluttering. "Whatever. What did you do that you need us to fix for you?"

"It was Ginny's idea," Ron muttered defensively.

Ginny's head snapped up as she sent a vicious glare in her brother's direction. "What! You bastard, you practically begged me for help. Besides," she continued defensively, "Harry came up with the password."

"Password?" Parvati and Lavender exchanged confused glances.

Hermione and her bodyguards entered the Great Hall just then; heading over to the Gryffindor table looking out of sorts and annoyed. Well, Hermione did at least. Crabbe and Goyle just glowered threateningly and shoved students out of her way. "Why can't I get into the Prefects bathroom?" she greeted. "Has Dumbledore revoked the privilege in retaliation for losing control of his educational system?" Her brown eyes gleamed fanatically. "Doesn't he know retaliatory gestures are against the law? I'm owling my solicitor."

Seamus gave her a besotted smile, offering her a fresh croissant. "You tell him Hermione. Tell him good. Harry gave me a present. Want to come back to my rooms with me and play?"

Dean smacked his friend on the back of his head. "Hermione," he explained patiently. "Life isn't one big conspiracy theory. Did you, perhaps, ever think that the Prefects bathroom being locked and warded had nothing to do with you?"

Crabbe cracked his knuckles and glowered at Dean's tone. Hermione patted him absently as she nibbled on her breakfast. "But who would be using it for the entire weekend?"

Ron and Neville hunched their shoulders in an attempt to hide in their breakfast. Ginny sighed, putting down her fork and grabbing a cup of tea. "Draco was starting to get performance anxiety," she announced.

The table stilled in disbelief. "_Draco?_ As in Malfoy? Draco Malfoy?" Lavender looked like someone had told her Christmas was cancelled. "But he can't have performance anxiety! He can't! He's…" she gestured bemusedly. "He's Draco Bloody Malfoy!"

"Oh!" Ginny reached across the table and squeezed the blonds' hand supportively. "Not that kind of performance anxiety! No, no. That's all in working order." Lavender, Parvati, and half the upper year Gryffindors sighed in relief. "See, every night Harry and Draco have a contest to see who can be the loudest, and that's adorable. But then," she stopped for dramatic effect, "Lindt chocolate cancelled their intense cherry flavor." A collective gasp hushed the girls. Ginny nodded sadly.

"That's it?" Ron looked around the table in confusion. "What's so bad about cancelling some stupid chocolate flavor?"

"It's not just some stupid chocolate flavor, Ron." Hermione bit out through gritted teeth. "Lindt chocolate is…" she trailed off, a dreamy expression on her face. "It's firm and soft and velvety against your tongue. You don't want to suck too hard and end the experience too soon. No no. You lick it gently, savor the taste and texture. And then, at precisely the right moment," she shivered lightly, "it bursts across your tongue in an intense and satisfying rush."

Lavender let out her breath in a rush, rubbing a hand lightly against her neck. "It's orgasmic," she breathed.

Parvati nodded. "Better than sex sometimes."

"Exactly." Ginny sighed. Ron's head whipped up from his plate to stare at his baby sister in horror.

Seamus was staring at Hermione; flushed and panting lightly. "I'll find some for you;" his voice was hoarse. "I'll get you lots and lots of Lindt chocolate." Hermione blinked, seeming to come back to reality, and took a long drink of tea.

Neville watched the whole scene in fascination. "And not having this chocolate hurt Draco? Because he's a vampire?"

"No." Ginny rolled her eyes in disgust. "It hurt Draco because it was his favorite flavor! The espresso, pistachio, and coffee intense he has stocked up just couldn't alleviate his craving. He was losing the drive to annoy Harry's roommates and Harry was getting worried. So, he thought up something more perverted to make Draco happy again."

"I know he left the dorm but I don't know where he went." Neville looked perplexed. Seamus and Dean snorted. "What did he do?"

"He created his own little Den of Iniquity."

Ron blinked. "His own what?"

"Err…" Ginny bit her lip. "I'm not really sure what it means. But the title made Harry so happy and Draco so smug I didn't want to question them." As one, all the upper years turned to look at Hermione.

She sighed, placing her cup precisely back onto the table. "A Den of Iniquity is defined as a place of immoral behavior. Usually of a sexual type." Her eyes gleamed. "And there has been one in this school for three days now and the Headmaster remains ignorant? Interesting, very interesting."

Parvati started to laugh. "They formed their den in the Prefect's bathroom?"

Ginny nodded. "And they gave me the password. They created divisions in the room and charge students a Galleon for every five minutes they want to watch. If a student pays for twenty minutes, they get to take a free shower before leaving."

"You think people will pay money for Harry to make Malfoy moan?" Ron shook his head, grabbing a piece of bacon. "You're all delusional."

Ginny smiled sweetly. "I've made five hundred Galleons in three days." Ron promptly choked.

"The ball gag was inspired," Daphne Greengrass joined the conversation looking rather flushed.

Pansy joined in as well, shaking her head. "The silk ties and the blindfold were my favorite. Who knew Draco was so flexible?"

Neville looked at Pansy in shock. "_You_ pay to watch them together?"

"Of course not," Pansy waved the question away dismissively. "Anyone who can produce the intense cherry flavor gets a free five minutes." She smirked at the table. "Draco's been my friend since we were four. I can manipulate him into anything with the right motivation. I have a LARGE stash hidden away."

"You dirty slut," Lavender gave the Slytherin a look of deep admiration.

She nodded regally. "Thank you."

"And sometimes Draco is the one to make Harry moan," Colin added dreamily. "The way Harry's back arches when he's being spanked…"

"I talked to my silent partner," Ginny reached across the table to pat his hand. "We can extend you a line of credit with a three percent interest rate, provided it's paid off in full by next Friday."

"Who's your silent partner?"

"Me." Luna dropped into the seat next to Ginny and smiled dreamily at the wall before turning to Hermione. "And Harry says he'll donate twenty percent to your cause if you'll wait to report him to the press until Wednesday. If you wait until Friday, Ginny will tell you the password and you can have unlimited ogle time for free until then." Hermione nodded agreeably.

"How did you become a silent partner?" Dean looked fascinated.

"I was explaining to a third year about how Harry and Draco kissing was an erotic display of lips and teeth and tongue." She shrugged absently, reaching to dribble maple syrup in Ron's hair as he concentrated on his breakfast. "Harry overheard me and told me he'd give me the start up capital if I wanted to become an author." She added a dash of salt to Ron's hair for good measure and leaned back to admire her creation. "Apparently, Luna Lovegood is the perfect pen name for a romance writer."

"Plus," Ginny added, joining in and adding puffs of whipped cream to Ron's hair. "Nobody expects Luna of being capable of treachery. She's perfect."

Luna looked at the table sadly. "I hope Harry concludes his sexual stimulation soon." She ignored the sounds of Ron once again choking on his breakfast. "I do so miss his tea."

The bell rang. Ron took one last bite before hurrying away from the sex talk. They watched him go with amusement. "See you at lunch," Colin told Ginny eagerly before rushing away.

"Friday huh?" Hermione looked thoughtful as her bodyguards collected her bag and books and cleared a path for her down the hall. "What's the password?"

Dean looked at Seamus enviously. "How did _you_ wind up with the kinky girlfriend?" Seamus staggered down the hall; his pupils rather dilated.

Ginny giggled, pulling Hermione into an alcove and standing on her tiptoes to whisper into her ear. "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty."


End file.
